Tonight I can't stop crying and all because a work colleague posted on her facebook page that she is going to college to do an adult teaching course. This made me cry because I was supposed to be doing this and we were going to do it together. Instead I've got bloody cancer and face 6 months of chemo to kill it. Then a course of radio after that. I feel so bloody pissed off, angry, annoyed, frustrated, that this thing has made me put my life on hold while everyone elses around me is continuing with theirs. I never thought I could miss work so much but I am so bored. I have asked if there is any work I can do at home but my LM hasn't got back to me that was two weeks ago. Going out to do my work is not really suitable , I have to travel to different day nurseries to assess students. I'm sitting here asking again the question WHY ME, I have been doing so well until I read her post. I can't post anything on my profile about how I feel because I don't want to upset her. I am feeling scared about Friday, even though I've read all the books etc, bloggs, and listened to others about the chemo I am really cr...ing myself. Everyone has gone to bed and I'm sitting on my own feeling so alone because they don't really understand how I am feeling. How can a simple happy comment from a good friend make me this upset. Need to pull myself together feel so stupid at the same time being like this, it's not her fault. I went to visit my aunt today who had breast cancer two years ago and now has bowel cancer plus shadows on lungs and kidneys. It was good to talk to her as she is so positive that it made me feel positive, we had a laugh about what other memebers of the family are up to, and I came away feeling happy, now I feel like a complete wreck. Writing all this down has helped the tears are beginning to subside, need a mug of hot chocolate now and then bed hopefully before 1am, for some reason I can't get to sleep very early just lately.
It is good to have somewhere to be able to put all these thoughts good and bad, I hope though there are going to be more good days than bad on this journey.
love and hugs to all Amanda xx
