Helpless wife of wife with cancer diagnosis two days before christmas x

Hi SupportiveWife93, welcome to the group - we are a supportive group of people who will be only too happy to support you and also your wife if she chooses to join, We can all identify with that initial feeling of shock, feeling overwhelmed like never before, and all our emotions being up in the air. I’m sorry that it has upset your wife so much that it was felt meds are necessary, and I hope these are helping and not causing her any side effects. Did your GP suggest counselling? Talk therapy can be a real help and I’d recommend looking into that. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong in taking meds for mental health issues, but personally feel that they’re not always the best or only way, as they don’t suit everyone plus those of us diagnosed with cancer do need to learn coping skills to manage the natural anxiety. Hopefully they will only be needed short term, One of the first things my CNS and also a Macmillan phone counsellor told me was that it’s okay to be anxious. That was something I needed to hear. Your wife will soon, if not already, be assigned a CNS (Macmillian trained Clinical Nurse Specialist) who can offer phone support during office hours Monday-Friday. There should be a Maggie’s Centre or similar at the hospital where she and you can get support. Plus there’s the Macmillan Support line which is open 8am-8pm 7 days a week.

The next step for your wife will likely be an MRI or CT, possibly a chest x ray, for preliminary predicted staging, then a pre-assessment then a date for her hysterectomy. It’s almost a year since I had mine and I have to say that this group has been wonderful in terms of support and friendship and many of us stick around afterwards so that we can support others. 

Just to add that the Macmillan help line is for both the person with cancer and also family and friends - I’d recommend it highly. Here’s the link - go here and scroll down https://www.macmillan.org.uk/

You will then find something looking like this 

I called them as soon as I was diagnosed and then, when I was waiting for results, dates etc, I either called my CNS or them for support sometimes 2-3 times a week, they’re fab 

Hi SupportiveWife93, welcome to the group and I hope you find as much help and comfort as I have since joining. I found out last Thursday that I have endometrial cancer but I don’t know what stage yet as I have just had my CT scan today. I totally understand what your wife feels regarding other peoples concerns, I know that they mean well and my family and friends are all trying so hard but it’s so difficult when we are still trying to process the diagnosis ourselves without having to deal with others reactions. We all have our own way of dealing with our emotions and issues and I hope you find the support that you both need and I wish you well and thinking of you both.

take care x

Dealing with other people’s reactions is definitely a source of stress that we really don’t need, and can be extremely draining, and I made the decision early on to limit who I told and what I told them. I didn’t tell my 2 adult children that I had cancer till I’d had my staging MRI as I knew they’d want to know how serious it was, and not being able to tell them the grade or stage would have caused them worry (and therefore would have caused me stress too). Before that time all they knew was that I was having some gynae investigations and would likely need a hysterectomy. 

I was also aware that telling people you have cancer makes people think you want their support - so (a) I didn’t tell anyone I had cancer if I didn’t want support from them and (b) anyone I did tell I had cancer also spelled out what I needed (and didn’t need) from them. I feel that it’s really important for us to establish that sort of boundary, as we need every ounce of our mental energy to get through each day. I didn’t tell most people until after I’d had my hysterectomy and got my histology results. And some I didn’t tell till during or after my radio. I don’t personally believe we need to tell anyone unless it’s to our own benefit.

I told my mum simply because I live with her now and she can’t get out due to mobility issues and I do the shopping, take her to hospital appointments hairdressers, that sort of stuff but she took it upon herself to tell my brothers, her friends, so I ended up telling my grownup children just in case they heard first from somebody else. I’m very much the sort of person who needs to know exactly what’s happening myself first and deal with my emotions before anyone else.

Hi supportive wife,

I'm sorry to hear of your wife's diagnosis and can understand the shock, we never think this will happen to us.  Family turning up at the door sounds a nightmare and the last thing she needs. Both of you will find that your boundaries will become more important to you as time goes on. If your wife was not given the Macmillan booklet, this is available online on the Macmillan site, Understanding Endometrial Cancer. It was a big help to me when I was diagnosed. The tone of it is matter of fact but calming. The grade and stage given to her at this point is the lowest and best but this can change after hysterectomy results.

If your wife is up to it and wants to join us, she will be well supported by all the lovely ladies in this group. We have all been through the same experience and the feelings it throws up. There is also a Carers group on here that may provide you with the tailored support you need. As Marmite said, talking will help and the Macmillan phone lines are a good idea. She needs to know that she is not alone in order to be able to process the news and decrease the meds she is on. If your wife wants to read our profiles, please click on our usernames to read our cancer history. I know this is an awful time for you both but facing it head on is the only way of coming to terms with it. It is a hard road and I wish you both well.

A x