This is so difficult to fathom by myself let alone for friends and family. I have Endometrial cancer Stage 2 and have told very few close friends and family. My mother is 88 years old and I have told her I'm having a hysterectomy but I haven't told her about the cancer. My brother knows but all my family members live 160 miles away from me.
My brother has trouble with his business and said he is sorry but he has a lot going on. My partner, (we live separately), has a grown up daughter( both bereaved) he lost his wife to cancer 13 years ago. So I know he is in shock and scared too, but he is trying everything to avoid taking me to appointments...so much so that I have had to rely totally on charity transport.
We have been together nearly 10 years and last night we had a massive argument about it all. He said "I do understand how you feel" what? How can he? He hasn't got a womb and he doesn't have cancer. I have had endometriosis most of my life and couldn't have children. I was on the verge of telling him to get out of my life. His excuse for not being able to take me to the hospital next week was he had to be home to feed the cat as his daughter was going away.
I'm so fed up I have booked some counseling on line with McMillan/Bupa.
I feel so alone and scared. I have bipolar so that doesn't help but I have been stable for more or less 10 years on medication.
Please tell me your experience of reactions from loved ones ...it is all feeling a bit strange. No one wants to hear 'cancer' but when it's you that has it it seems everyone wants you to keep quiet about it ...or is it just me?
Hi Shiqween
Having a diagnosis is both hard on you and hard on those around you.
My family knew something was wrong from the day I had my bleed as I had to go to hospital. They knew what it could be potentially. Once I knew for certain I did not hide it from anyone as for me thinking about telling people was harder than actually telling them. People had different reactions- all were supportive. I became a lot closer to some people and it was not the ones that I necessarily expected to be there so much.
I think for some it can bring up past experiences and brings back memories that can be hard to deal with.
I can understand how you feel about your partner and it is a time to feel that you can rely on people. I suppose he is also having a hard time coping with your diagnosis and I know myself that some people could not cope so well with the hospital side of things. People would help in different ways at different times for me. I suppose in a way if he can not cope with taking your to the appointments it is perhaps better to find out now so you can make other arrangements, rather than be let down at the last minute. It may be that although he can not help in that way- he could in other ways. I think also cancer is such a stressful thing that it will, like anything else stressful, amplify any existing problems. I am sorry that you had such an argument and it is the last thing you need at the moment.
I get that you are feeling fed up and it is great you have booked up for some help from Bupa/Macmillan.
So reactions to my cancer diagnosis............
- some wanted to help with the practical things
-some were very upset and that was hard as it was an extra thing to deal with when you are trying to get a hold of your own emotions
-some said things that really weren't helpful- along the lines of "if you are going to get cancer its a good one" I never liked the " you're so brave" comments either- I wasn't - I was scared stiff and just dealing with it in my own way.
-some clearly worried about the effects of the treatment- particularly chemo
-some would check in daily, some would wait to hear from me
-work were good
- and some could not cope with it- so although they said they were there- they seemed to cope with the good updates but not so well with the not so good ones. Some could not cope with the word cancer really. I suppose it can make people aware of their own mortality.
-some people would ask how I was and would genuinely want to know how I was doing but others I felt would ask but not be able to cope with the reality. Often I would just say - fine.
- Although I had family close by, I also had family further away so I found they helped in different ways. Even the family close by could struggle at times with the sheer amount of appointments as they also have full time jobs and children.
- I am normally an independent person and it was hard at times to admit I needed help- but in the end I just accepted it when it was offered and in different ways. The most important person in this all is you and you have to do what is right for you and focus on your surgery next week and recovering from it.
So to be honest, lots of different reactions really. I did get a lot of support and sometimes to get that amount of support could actually feel a bit overwhelming. Sometimes I needed to be left alone to process it all and to deal with the treatments.
Hope this helps a bit
Jane
