Hi folks, lamb here after an absence which has literally turned my life upside down. If anybody told me how this was going to pan out four weeks ago I would not have believed them. I have not been around for a bit as you may remember my daughter was expecting a second baby. So duly returning from abroad at thirty four weeks hubby and I set off to Sussex to look after my granddaughter who is into everything to give my daughter some much needed rest and to help prepare for the new arrival by washing clothes, sorting bedding etc..you know the drill. We thoroughly enjoyed the days and picnics in the garden, trips to the park and I am pleased to say my daughter gave birth by caesarean in early October to a healthy baby boy so we are very blessed in having not only a wonderful granddaughter but also a grandson now. My parents, who are both terminally ill are still trundling along and although the news was a bit much for my father to take in my mother knows she now has two great grandchildren. So far so good. Baby arrived home, we had our cuddles and photos taken and prepared for the busy weeks ahead. As some of you may know I have been experiencing niggly pains since January which I have mentioned to the consultant and the radiologist doing the scans. I had a very bad infection after my operation which had to be packed and vacuum cleared which finally decided to heal on my wedding anniversary past year..a total of six months. Anyway the radiologist was very good on both occasions when having my scans and had a good look but couldn't see anything so we came to the conclusion it was adhesions from the surgery pulling. I had a telephone consultation with my consultant when I was at my daughters and as the pains were particularly bad as I thought from lifting my granddaughter I mentioned them again only to be told that all that should have cleared up by now and I should be doing cartwheels. She did arrange for me to have an appointment in a month's time if it was still going on though . In the meantime I was in agony and experiencing vomiting and diarrhoea and had no option but to call my sister to collect us and take me back to London so I could contact my own gp, who promptly sent me to hospital on blue lights with a sepsis diagnosis. In these times of covid there is no information in or out of anywhere and your relatives only see you wheeled into the back of the ambulance. Thank goodness the paramedic reminded me to take my phone and charged with me, the last thing on My mind at that point but they took me thankfully to the hospital that I had my surgery in a year and a half ago which, after numerous arguments between departments, proved a blessing in disguise. Countless tests a followed in resus and despite my clothes having to be cut off as I had swollen to double the size of a beached whale they decided to feed me into the c.t. Scanner to examine my abdomen although there was,an argument about that as I hadn't been proven covid free which in a way was where this whole sorry saga decided to take a different direction. I was found to have a bowel obstruction and was full of infection. Questions followed. Who did my surgery, when was it done, you are nil by mouth from now not that I wanted to eat anyway. When you are struggling to remember your name, let alone your date of birth it all becomes a bit much. Then to top it all along comes a breezy nurse just on shift with the news that the ward doctors were coming round tomorrow and I may be going home so that was something to look forward to wasn't it! I didn't want to go home..I felt so flipping Ill so that was a sleepless night in the making. To round it off in comes a gynae consultant at 10 at night to give me an internal examination which put me on the roof, announcing all scans had previously been clear at the top of her voice and it was nothing to do with gynae. By now I was really worried as to what was going on and terrified of being sent home which is unusual for me as normally I am quite calm about these things. I dissolved in tears the following morning when the doctors turned up and begged them not to send me home only to return hours later in the same state. They told me they couldn't send me home until they had sorted this problem out and who had told me I was going home anyway. That was momentary relief to my ears until they asked me what I knew about my scan which apart from a bowel blockage was nothing. Now, this is not how it's supposed to be done, they were junior doctors I think but I was told bluntly that the cancer had returned, the same endometrial cancer and there was a tumour the size of a grapefruit entwined amongst everything and there were signs of spots on the liver and elsewhere. Then they left and I literally howled into the pillowin complete shock and not knowing what to tell my family. I had two biopsies under local anaesthetic, the crash trolley came out twice in the next few days as I took a turn for the worse and the family were called in. My poor husband was himself in hospital By Now having had a complete breakdown. Various tubes went in and out, nebulizers deployed. How on earth can you go from being fit and well three weeks before to this doubly incontinent wreck who has now been told I need to build myself up as I am too weak to undergo surgery under general anaesthetic and far too weak to undergo chemotherapy, have been discharged from hospital because immune system is trashed by all the antibiotics which I am still on and covid cases are being admitted so I'm at risk. I can barely walk, have no energy and am now seriously wondering who is going to win this battle..it or me? Me of course..i don't give up that easily. But I'm struggling with this intense anger ladies which is unusual for me. To the point of yelling,throwing stuff. My husband and I had our ruby anniversary, couldn't celebrate it as we were both in different hospitals but we had plans to enjoy retirement, our grandchildren, the garden. I hope that is all still possible in the future and i know I have the prayers of those who know me to strengthen me. But what I suppose I am trying to say i s, and I digress from my normal advice here through this experience is please, any abdominal pain mention to your doctor unless you know what is responsible for it because we are alltold to look out for bleeding, discharge etc and this is by and large an easy cancer to cure. My pain was in my belly , well it ended up pushing all my organs out of place. The scans would not have detected it as they were too low down but you know your bodies ladies and without wishing to panic anybody if you feel something's not right get it checked out. So there you go, good news,bad news and ugly news but this lamb isn't done yet..it's a fighter even though it may be u upside down in its Ditch again. Thank you for listening..I feel much better now for that rant. God bless everyone. Love lamb.xxxx
Hello Little Lamb
glad to hear you ok and finished chemo. Such good news!
good luck with tomorrow. I am sure it will be good news! 
Sending you lots of good wishes xxxx 
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Oh , i am sorry that you didn’t get better news and what a ? Well you know what I want to say about said Professor. I often wonder if they are taught how to speak to people, however I have also some experience that sometimes when they are a complete..... ? they can also be fantastic at the Doctoring side of things. Although i must say the little critter is definitely not doing as it’s told, i told it to do one but its got terrible manners, and doing too much back chatting and being stubborn, and deciding its staying where it is and has been inviting friends around too, who are very messy and don't clear up after themselves . Its good at least they have some sort of plan for you, even if sadly it’s got to that stage of being incurable but its got one hell of a fight on its hands if it thinks it can mess with the lamb.
Sending you some gentle bear hugs and prayers 
Oh . I can't believe how people can be so insensitive. Why oh why wasn't there a CNS present with him if he's going to give you news like that. He's obviously so far up his own orifice his brain doesn't connect to anything.
But you, a fabulously brave lady, tackle it head on and want to kick his butt. Well I want to join the queue forming to give him a good pasting.
Stay strong my love, I'm rooting for you.
Gentlest hugs, Barb xx 
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