I have started several posts already, and given up. It feels like there are so few people with this type of cancer that no one will see this, or even have the same issues.
None of the stuff I need to talk about is ‘socially acceptable’ as it includes ‘rude’ words.
I feel changed by what I’ve been through. I am changed. I am now pretty much friends with my husband- I can’t imagine having sex when I’ve had that “mass” even though it is now “unmeasurable”. I’ve been so damaged by radiotherapy that I pretty much spent six weeks in the bathroom, and am now on enough anti-diarrhoea medication to kill a horse. I just recently started with my dilation kit, and the whole idea fills me with revulsion.
I know everyone has struggled this year, but I don’t think I’ve really acknowledged any of this. The chemo stopped by the Covid crisis. The six weeks of radiotherapy with a face mask on. Never mind the treatment itself. When I finished radio, they said I’d feel better in a couple of weeks. My friend said more like 18 months. I think I believe her.
I’m very, very grateful for the treatment I’ve had. It was given with kindness and compassion, and it seems to have worked. They won’t say I’m cured, because I guess they don’t do that. I know I should be celebrating, but truth be told, I don’t dare! Suppose it comes back?
I have seen the Macmillan psychologist, and she pronounced me fine now. I don’t feel it. I don’t feel like myself, but I’m not crying or anything (I can’t, I take too much Sertraline). I think she’s right, and I need to work it out for myself. I don’t want to dwell on it, but I want to feel better, more like me. But I don’t know who that is. If I’m a woman (I’m 58) who isn’t going to have a full relationship with my husband, is that fair? Or will it get better in time, and I’ll feel more human?
