I feel lost

Hey Embuffyfan10363b 

I was a big binge drinker and party girl in the past and I've successfully let that go and moved on. It did take a long time, a lot of steps forward and (sometimes massive!) steps backwards and it did ultimately come with the grief that you describe. I'd already wanted to make these changes off and on for years before the cancer came, but was too scared to as I feared all the things you've described in your post, but the cancer gave me that kick to do it. I honestly don't really know who I am at the moment, but I know I'm now happy letting that person go and I'm not in a rush to establish a new identity for myself. I'm all good with riding the waves for now!

My advice from my experience would be to pay attention to your feelings, which are you doing already based on your post here, accept that this will be a process of trial and error and don't put too much pressure on yourself. I'm currently working through this with my amazing counsellor and that has been extremely helpful so I would recommend this if you don't already have someone. I'm also happy to chat anytime if you like.

Congrats on finishing your chemo by the way. I'm still going through it and know it can be a rough slog so you've really achieved something there and I wish you all the best for your upcoming surgery. x

Hi Embuffyfan10363b 

Congratulations in getting through chemo. That’s a huge step in your journey and once you have had surgery in June you will have taken another one. I think it’s perfectly normal to not feel at peace when you have been through all of this  it’s also normal to worry about what you are doing. It’s hard to enjoy yourself and get a balance on anything  

Here is Cancer Research UK’s position on sugar  I hope it helps you get a little bit of perspective on this. Sugar doesn’t cause cancer to grow, Too much sugar might lead to obesity which is a risk factor in some cancers - however tnbc isn’t hormone driven so there isn’t an obvious linkage.

news.cancerresearchuk.org/.../

I can’t guarantee your future will be ok but the odd night out isn’t going to change it. 

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I've heard all my life that nighttime is the worst and I didn't quite understand that until I was diagnosed. It feels like all of a sudden our life is finite and no matter how careful we are, eating only foods that are healthy, trying to do all the right things, we worry we're going to slip up and make things worse. Your cancer IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your life is different now... yes. But take moments to find joy. If you have friends... enjoy the time with them. And when you get home and the panic and grief and guilt set in, take deep long breaths in and out. Move your mind to the good time you had with your friends and sit with that. Enjoy each good thing that comes along and hold onto those moments....