I don’t even bloody know, perhaps just a rant. Am I being the a**hole?

The last couple of days from the depths of literal bloody hell! 

BG: - 26YO female. 2020- cervical cancer (2years remission)  2023- thyroid cancer (remission as of 3 weeks ago!!) 

So… I’m a complex individual- MH, ADHD, Anxiety, CSA trauma.. you name it I seem to just bloody have it.

Initially when I became ill I was a bit (I wouldn’t say secretive) but I kept it to myself and a very select few about it, I didn’t really want anyone knowing my business and treating me differently. I was rubbish at keeping people updated with appointments, results, scans and what have you. Understandably, this cause a couple of arguments with my mum ( I was honest and told her about my diagnoses each time I was just a bit rubbish at telling her about some of my scans and appointments sometimes, purely because some of them I didn’t consider that important-follow ups/check ups) BUT I have tried really bloody hard for years now to update her on every single appointment, niggle, phone call, blood test etc, even though I don’t really see the need, she told me it’s important to her, so I do it ! 

I am riddled with health anxiety, not for myself but for others and most of all towards her. Now this is an important factor I feel. But I have always made it very clear that my only ever request is that if she was to ever become il,  she has to tell me regardless of my anxiety or circumstances. It is absolutely so important to me that she tells me. And similarly, her request is that I keep her updated with my health, appointments etc. 

We had a bit of a tiff only last week because I didn’t make her aware of my first follow up remission ultrasound (I absolutely did mention it she just forgot) but literally told me how cross she was with me and that I should’ve updated the family group chat… again I think this is wildly extreme but that’s her request and even though I did definitely tell her, I apologised and said I definitely will in the future.

so… and here’s where it has all gone tits up…. 

2 nights ago I get a phone call “I’ve been meaning to tell you but i have been really struggling to find the right time… 3 MONTHS AGO my GP advised that I get a CA125 blood test done as I’ve been really bloated, uncomfortable and spotting… so about 4/5 weeks ago I got a phone call to say that my level is high, so I a couple of days I have a scan”

I now understand the phrase “my blood is boiling” because I think I literally cooked my own brain with how boiling my blood was. Never in my life (all conditions of the alphabet included) have I felt such an overwhelming and disregulated sense of every single negative emotion under the sun. 
part of me wanted to move back home, cuddle her and never ever let her go, another part of me wanted to shake her and scream at her, and then the last part wanted to set the entire world on fire! 

A very nice delusion I had during my second cancer diagnosis was surely with this ridiculous luck, if 1 in 2 people get cancer, and I’ve had it twice, maybe I’ve taken it from someone else… now I know that’s ridiculous but I think that was the only thing that actually got me through the surgeries, the treatments and the side effects that ensued from each. So you’re telling me that 3 months ago I finally go into remission… and around that exact same time she gets told she needs a cancer antigen test (which is high) and there’s a possibility that she could have cancer!? I know rationally that it’s just a ridiculous and bull**** coincidence but JESUSSS!!! 

Anyway, I can’t help it and I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I am so intensely angry with her… 3 months and this is the first I’ve heard about it!? I know she hasn’t even had her scan yet so she certainly hasn’t even been diagnosed, I know it could be absolutely nothing and I’m praying it is just that…absolutely nothing. 

i blew up on a different scale entirely. She has never heard me so angry. The double standards first of all, how on earth has she been so on my ar*e about keeping her updated with every little thing and so recently too! While she’s literally intentionally been hiding this from me!? 
secondly, that was my ONE and ONLY request, and I’ve reminded her of this a few times throughout the years, pleasee just keep me informed and never lie to me because it certainly will not be in my best interest. 

im triggered, im so bloody triggered ! And im terrified ! All of the irrational fears and thoughts and my very worst nightmare of all, literally became a possible reality in one sentence. I would do it all over again, all the surgeries in the world, all the treatment, all the side effects I’d do it all again repeatedly for the rest of my life… just not her, not even the possibility of her experiencing anything like that. 

I’ve said from the very start when people have mentioned about how well I manage having cancer … twice  and I’ve always said “for me personally, I think it’s much easier for me because it’s happening to me, if it was happening to someone I love I’d be a mess I couldn’t cope with that!” 

I’ve been really trying to hold myself together and not act on every impulse and basically implode. But she keeps saying how she’s really upset and hurt by my very angry reaction, and that I’ve not been reassuring… I would love to be able to just put on a brave face and say “mum, I’m sure you will be fine, and if it turns out you have cancer then I will be right by your side each step” now of course this is true i wouldn’t want to leave her side if it end up being anything other than all clear and she knows I would! 

but im struggling to reassure her that it’s all going to be fine because I am not even remotely reassured myself ! I’m absolutely terrified! This is genuinely my worst nightmare and I can’t even comprehend the possibility. And I’m just so bloody angry, with her, with the world, and I’m not religious but if there is any god out there, up there , wherever they are… what the absolute F**K!?

Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely held my hands up and apologised for my utter outburst but I am not sorry for being angry and I cannot change that yet, I can’t just switch it off, it’s there and I’m trying to deal with it and I know it will pass.

She hasn’t told my younger sister (15YO) anything yet, and has explicitly told me I am forbidden from doing so. Her reason being is that until there is a diagnosis and they have all the facts, that she doesn’t need to know… I completely disagree… but she’s the parent and that is her child, it’s not my place. 

My mums sister is coming down to visit this weekend, and my mum basically wants me to turn up and pretend everything is absolutely normal and just have a lovely day. keep in mind, this will be the first time I’ve seen my mum in person after that phone call and a few very lengthy messages back and forth. I will absolutely try to do that for her and shove on a fake smile and play happy families, but I cannot promise that I will be very good at it! I will try but I’m not a bloody actress. 

My mum is really hurt by my reaction and lack of reassurance. Im really hurt that she kept everything from me for this long and told me over the bloody phone and upon asking her why on earth she didn’t tell me before; her response “well I just couldn’t find the right time and to be honest, I’ve not really thought much about it to be honest, it’s probably nothing!” 

She really wants me to go with her to see her sister, but she’s not sure if she wants to see me because my reaction upset her so much. I really want to go because I know it will make her happy and it’s the one thing that she has been looking forward to it for such a long time, but I’m not sure I’m capable of not seeing her face and immediately bursting into tears or being the top level comedian and ray of bloody positivity that I usually am.

I don’t know whether I just needed to write it all out so that it’s not such a mess inside my head. I’m open to some advice and non judgemental opinions on whether I’m being absolutely horrendous and a rubbish daughter.

i just don’t know what I’m doing or what I should be doing!