Telling the kids

You are in a bit of a fix but is the treatment not able to be postponed a little bit, a few weeks? I’d ask for a second opinion on the timing of the treatment.

Whatever you tell them they will use there own ways of working out what you don’t tell them so I would have a regular weekly health review where you can tell them what’s going on and they can ask anything they like. I would advise them if places that do have the right information. The first thing to tell them and it’s in all honesty and that’s that is a slow cancer. Probably the slowest. Then it’s time to listen.

Asking here is great and the online brochures are fantastic and so are the NHS leaflets online. But this place is also ok for advice, through you. That could then build up the confidence in honesty they will need. But don’t promise anything. Things change and treatments get better every year so we just don’t know what’s around the corner.

A fund raiser might work too. It’s a better way of getting together on this couples disease. Cakes or sponsored walk whatever it is go for it.
You will have to brace yourself for a hubby that’s newly castrated and emasculated. It’s grim and mentally grim x10.

But we are her to help. To support all your family and especially your hubby.

Take care.

Thank you for this. No, we've delayed it a little already to get halfway through their exams, and they are reluctant to delay any more, given its spread. 

I like your fundraising suggestion, too, to pull us all together. It's all so new, we have moments where it hits us what it's going to be like after the op, but it still seems very surreal, and I imagine that whatever we are bracing for, we won't be prepared for the reality of it. I think it will help to have somewhere like this to come for support. 

Thanks again, I wish I didn't need your advice, but I am very grateful for it. 

Hello LimoncelloSpritz 

A belated warm welcome to the group, although I am so sorry to find you joining us.

All 4 of my children were adults when I received my diagnosis and as I was in hospital at the time there was no point in hiding anything although as a family we are very open.

The two grandchildren who were old enough to be told, got the simple explanation, "grandad's been in hospital, he's got cancer BUT the fantastic team from the hospital are going to fix him - although it may take some time."

A few weeks after this one grand daughter gave me two badges - One said "I am allowed to be grumpy, I have cancer" and the second one is my strapline at the bottom of the post.

Here's a link to our advice:

Talking to children and teenagers.

We also have this booklet:

Talking-to-children-and-teenagers-when-an-adult-has-cancer.

And another link:

Talking to children.I hope the above helps. If I can do anything else for you please do come back to me.

Best wishes - Brian.

Hi, 

My situation/diagnosis (although locally advanced too) is different to your Husbands, and our treatments also, but the predicament you find yourself in ie telling your children during their exams was the same as my experience last year,  but we decided to hold off until afterwards,  especially as one of my daughters was studying GCSE Biology and a large part of the exam was based around Cancer, so her head would have been scrambled... We actually ended up telling them even later than that as we had a holiday post exams/pre my chemo and didn't want to ruin that for them... As for how much to tell them, I told them everything I knew up to that point, and have updated them in full along the way...

We found it very hard keeping it quiet and a huge weight off of our shoulders once it was out there...

Hope it goes well, and all the best going forward...

Jay

Thank you so much for this, those leaflets are really helpful - I'll also be on the lookout for that badge! 

We have a granddaughter too (from our eldest, not the teenagers in question!) So I guess that will be a whole different conversation to navigate too. 

I really appreciate you taking the time to send those resources over. Thanks

Thanks for this, its really helpful. We were hoping to keep it quite until the end of exams but I think with him going into hospital and not driving etc, even our kids will notice there's something going on (the threshold is quite high!l)

It is tough though when they're learning about it in school, our youngest is in year 10 and they've just learned about drugs and prostate cancer in PE so she was talking about prostate tests (warning her brother of 'gym drugs') which ws very surreal.  

Were they ok once you told them? It is very hard keeping it from them. 

Thanks again

Hi, 

Ah yeah, there's no hiding the hospital visit and recovery so I see your dilemma...

I'd get in from work and my youngest would be studying /revising with her Mum about tumour types and genetic risk factors, like you said very surreal a that time...

So, when I did finally tell my girls (16 and 19 then) they took it differently the youngest was more confused initially and then got upset, but my eldest was devastated, but once we'd had a big cuddle  I sat them down and explained mostly the positives ie: curative intent treatment, the great treatments around atm, and just how positive I felt about the albeit bad  situation and how hard I was going to commit myself to my health and fitness helped massively, I also balanced it with there's very few  guarantees in the cancer world... Ultimately they took it quite well, they were more resilient than I expected...

I think them seeing you getting on with your normal pre cancer lifestyle as much as possible helps to keep their mind off it...

Hope this helps...

Have a great weekend...

Jay

I waited as long as i could, for me it was the start of RT, could not keep that secret, at that time where we're 17 and 15, they were ok about and after 6 months of knowing it has  not changed them, we have not overly publicised it, one of our worries was/is the constantly being asked about it, especially at school,, they don't need that

Hi LimoncelloSpritz  - (great name by the way - loved the Limoncello along the Amalfi coast when we were there a few years back!)

Not sure that I have anything directly practical to assist as I am in entirely different situation - grown up kids and young grandkids.

However it is difficult telling anyone at anytime of the situation - especially early days when stuff is so raw. I found it difficult to let folk know early on but I was glad I did - their support has been amazing.  Family and friends/neighbours have been fantastic.  I do not mind talking about my situation with anyone - spreading the message about this awful disease is important and if by talking to one person they go and get a test....

Telling my family was different as one daughter wanted to know ALL of the detail (takes after me) and the other daughter had to be fed in dribs and drabs - and messages repeated often. Chalk and cheese!

My grandkids (8 and 4) do know that grandad is poorly and that he has been going to hospital for some very special medicine for the last several months which makes it difficult for them to see me - but chemo finished on Friday!!!! So we will be off to see them in Perthshire soon from our home in the Midlands.  The youngest is totally unfazed and not much interested as one would expect.  I am their only Grandad - sadly lost the other one to cancer a few years back.

Apart from this site the Prostate Cancer UK site has excellent resources and clear, straightforward information leaflets etc. They also have a helpline.

I wish you and all of your family all the very best and good luck with the exams. Be open and honest with each other - and if you don't know the answer that is the answer (although I bet there is someone here that might be able to assist..)

KrisPy

Thanks. Yes that's a concern, I guess it's 'news' for a lot of people.

Thanks for sharing, I'm glad they were ok.