Physically well - mentally is another issue

Firstly you took an enormous step by talking to someone at Maggies. Well done, that’s started a pathway to talking to someone about your anxiety about yourself and your wife.

Hey, we have all had wobbles and there could be a case to have a counsellor all the rest of your life, I certainly will.

You said it when you were able to say things you’ve only thought before. That in itself is the most wonderful thing about counselling, the ability to let it all out. Who hasn’t had thoughts that you’ve not mentioned to your wife or friends but the more it’s bottled up the worse you’ll be.

Your wife is trying to understand you and stood by you when you went to Maggies for a new sensation. You say she’s been there every inch of the way but unless you tell her what’s on your mind and some of your worries she will find that much harder to know how to help you.

Get to the doctor GP and ask for a talking therapy for yourself (maybe your wife needs it too) but that will help you immensely.

All that said, but the trigger has not been found. I could suggest what it is.

In my case I’ve had some ups and downs and my Darling is my rock. Though I’ve been married for over 35 years this cancer has pushed us unbelievably. But. While at the start it was hard to say anything to her, I grew, and now there’s nothing she doesn’t know.

Theres two main reasons for tremors in the relationship number one is sex, or the lack of it. The second is change.

But its change which is the bugger.

For me, every time my cancer gives me cause to feel a another step up, I fall to bits.

Whether it’s new meds or another treatment or another load of tests, I’m not myself and the anxiety makes makes everything worse.

Thats the time for more help. It might end up being your wife that holds you together or a professional, or a friend, whoever it is will support you and keep you standing up and pointing you in the right direction.

You’re not alone and your fears are our fears too so lean on us here on this forum and take heart that we have wide shoulders, certainly enough for another sufferer to this hideous cancer.

Good luck

Hello KJ911 

What a brilliant, honest post expressing how you feel. It's much better out than being bottled up - well done.

When people write I quite often advise a visit to "Maggie's" if you have one close enough, they are brilliant. i am so pleased they were able to help plus your wife was with you too.

My personal opinion from hanging around this group for what feels like ever but is just under 4 years is that we are all older, mostly retired or working part time and we have time on our hands to worry about the cancer and everything in brings into our lives. If we have no spare time and occupy our time then we just don't have the time to think about it.

I  know Maggie's are on your case but just a few other ideas:

* Do you have a "Men's Sheds" or "Andy's Man Club" in your area - both are very good for your mental health and get you out and about.

* Are you aware of our "Buddy" service, where we can match you up with a telephone buddy and they will give you a call once a week - you can chat about anything, whats on your mind. cancer, football, Formula 1, the price of bread - anything - link here: Macmillan Buddies.

* My message box is open if you need an "off line" chat - feel free to drop me a line.

* Our Support Line is there for you and your wife on 0808 808 00 00 (8am to 8pm 7 days a week) - give them a call - they are happy to chat and have other options.

You are doing great by talking about how you feel - crack on.

I hope the above helps.

Best wishes - Brian

Well and bravely written. At Stage 4 recurrent I am not sure how a "melt down" might manifest itself. Yes, I have odd day when I'm a bit fearful, mainly of fear of oncoming pain or wondering if I have done all I can to put my affairs in order. 

I am lucky in that although we are a relatively "new couple", having been together only 7 years, both widowed before we met, my partner and I talk more than we ever did with our first wife/husband.

My main cycling buddy is 15 years younger than I but has Parkinsons so we can both share annoyance at failings of NHS etc  -  much worse in his case than mine!

Being "busy" of course helps, but COPD, not PCa, limits how long I can stay on my bike. 

I've always lived on assumption that today might be my last  -  had up to date Will etc for last 50 years and I try to categorise worries into those about which I can do something and those which I cannot. Action the former and ignore the latter!

I find focusing on choosing 3 tunes for funeral occupies me quite well! Although every time weather drives me to the turbo trainer and headphones my choice changes.

Deciding at what point I refuse further treatments is also a bit of a moving target, especially when I have no QoL PCa symptoms, certainly none as limiting as COPD. 

I'm an alcoholic, just one that's not had a drink for nearly 23 years. What willpower I have is pretty much all consumed in the effort of staying sober  -  yes, I DO still want a drink nearly every day and have to override the thought that "well, it doesn't matter if I do now" and maybe that's right!

Oh well, first sunny day for a week.......Where's me bike......

Good luck all, Dave 

As you know Brian, I am retired and have a hobby part time job which keeps me extremely active and occupied. I refuel Ferraris FCC in the Middle East and last week in Jeddah had a bit of an incident....

My work mate joked my cancer wasn't that bad, but thought they may as well cremate me early. I was at the back of that. Fire extinguisher powder cannot be good for the lungs

^"Oh well, first sunny day for a week.......Where's me bike......"

Harsh, easterly, wind, but it WAS sunny so just over 20 miles more fun than the wet-weather turbo trainer.

A good day.

Dave.

Riding outside is always better for the spirit than a turbo session. Just got back from a ride myself, I expected it to be dry but got absolutely drenched. Still, did my mental state a world of good, and managed the longest ride since starting treatment - 60k (at a snail pace but who's counting). 

A good (and wet) day

G

^ 60km good! Never mind the speed.

Back to turbo for me on a miserable and cold day. I plead age (77) as excuse for being nesh!

Good luck as you regain fitness, Dave.