I'm struggling

I think he should ask his dr to arranged blood tests and to examine him

Already done - I wouldn't have posted otherwise...

Hello Andy, I’m sorry to hear about the big problems in your life. Perhaps better to break this big burden of problems into more manageable smaller ones?

1. so, I would actually say that the most important thing right now is to get your prostate cancer treatment underway if you have not already done so.

2. im really sorry to hear you have lost a son to pancreatic cancer. That is a really cruel and nasty cancer.  When did this happen and how old was he?  

3. re your younger son - it sounds very much as if you’ve cared for him since he was born. You look on him as a son and he looks on you as ‘Dad’. It was very cruel of your ex wife’s friends to say that he’s not yours! He will always yours  legally and emotionally and perhaps too, biologically. The only way you can be absolutely sure is to do gene testing but do you need or want to do this - especially now while he and you are dealing with the cancer. Would he want to do this? If you decide to do it and find he’s not your biological son would it make a difference to your relationship? 

4. I assume by asking about your son having a blood test that you are referring to the familial link with prostate cancer. Men over the age of 40 ( or it may be 45?) are advised to have annual PSA checks for prostate cancer. This is a blood test. You don’t say how old your son is.

at the end of the day, try to remember that how you deal with all of these is within your control and subject to you making informed choices. 

I wish you well and hope that this helps you to take some control!

best wishes and good luck!

Thank you for a succinct reply. My son is now 40 years old and we lost his older brother to pancreatic cancer 9 years ago. Their mother divorced me about 34 years ago, me knowing that she had had an affair, but I couldn't care about that - I wanted to keep our family together but that's not what she wanted - she just wanted to do her own thing. Various sites allow 'dna testing' which is what my son did, checking that he wouldn't get cancer, like his brother and mother (he didn't't know about my prostate cancer at that time).

I'm now 5 months past 5x RT (PACE-NODES trial) and into the recovery stage, but my son knows that I'm not his biological father - although he still wants to call me Dad. I'm pleased, but it doesn't help as we don't know who his father is...

So sorry to hear of all the heart ache this must have caused you. You are the only father your boy has ever known so of course your husband dad.

As your son isn't biologically yours it may not be necessary for him to be tested. We were told that our son needs to start being tested when he's 45, his son who is only15 is even more at risk because he is mixed race.

If your GP doesn't know his paternity maybe your boy could still take advantage of the opportunity to get tested early.as his unknown biological father could just as easily have PC and it will give him more treatment options if he does develop it.

I'll pass that information on to my son. Thank you.

it really doesn't matter who his biological parent is at around his age -usually 45 he should ask for regular PSA tests.  I have done the same with my two sons - so far so good - one is 60 and one 55.  Their grandfather (my Dad) died at nearly 89 with not of prostate cancer - he died of pneumonia and other problems.  My wife's brother died of prostate cancer and both her and her sister had thyroid and uterine cancer with my late wife dying of uterine cancer at 57 so my boys are more at risk as are my nephews.  My younger brother was also diagnosed with prostate cancer at the same age I was and his son is also getting regular PSA tests now that he has passed the age of 45.  As I said so far not one of the boys - either my sons or their cousins have shown any signs of prostate cancer so lets hope it stays that way.  My next challenge is getting my eldest son to stop smoking (!)  Both his wife and I are trying our best.  Like you my two grandchildren 19 and 16 are mixed race so they too will hopefully take heed of what has happened in our family.

All the best to you and your son.

1 in 8 men are diagnosed with PC during their lifetime and testing isn't offered to younger men unless they're considered to be at higher risk, so this young man should take advantage of his situation and get tested.

My husband’s mum died of cancer when she was 50,  not sure where it started but it had spread very quickly to several organs. His father died of lung and bone cancer at the age of 79. I suspect that he had undiagnosed prostate cancer. Both were heavy smokers but apart from inhaling their smoke as a child my husband has never smoked. His cousin who is the son of his father's sister was diagnosed with PC last year and had the surgery.

My family have been lucky as far as cancer goes, but have succumbed to other illnesses. My mum, who was adopted but met her real mum and half siblings when she was 65, had a heart condition. One of the hospital Dr's asked her if there was a history of breast cancer in her family and she said no. I corrected her as her half sister had. She argued that it didn't count because they had different fathers. When she was asked if anyone in her family had diabetes she said yes, my ex husband. 

One of my older adopted brothers was diagnosed with PC when he was I'm his mid 60's after an emergency admission to hospital the night of my mum's funeral. He'd drunk a few pints at the wake and during the night he couldn't pee and was in excruciating pain. He was an example of someone dying with PC but not because of it as he passed due to COPD (also an ex heavy smoker and coal miner).

As for my son, at the age of 17 he watched his grandad die and I tried everything to get him to stop smoking. He'll be 41 next week and over the years he's stopped and started so many times. He's not smoked cigs for about 4 years now as he capes, which I'm still not pleased about. At my brothers funeral he was standing next to me in the cemetery alternating between cigs and vape. My reaction was to tell him that the bank of mum and dad was shut as if he could afford to smoke he could manage without our help.

Made not a jot of difference.

Good luck getting yours to stop.