PSA tripled in a month

I've been on my own all week. The bad news about the lutetium has really hit me hard. I feel completely lost thinking the end is near. My thoughts go to whether this is my last Christmas; will I even see my next birthday; will I be around to go on the holiday I've booked in March? I have spent the entire week thinking and thinking and thinking.

Oops, I see my post has crossed in cyberspace with others! 

Hello Tim (TimR123) 

My private message box is open - I am more than happy to chat to you. Drop me a line if it would help - happy to chat to you - no one should face this alone.

0808 808 00 00 - our support line is open to 8 tonight - give them a call - it's free you have nothing to lose.

Best wishes - Brian

Well I fully understand your thoughts and thought process. I’m going through similar thoughts myself about is this my last Christmas ect. my birthdays in June and I’ve not got any holidays booked because of this years expensive failures.

My thoughts on a black day are different to my thoughts on a sunny day.

I don’t k ow if you do but I really try some days to be proactive and smiley and energetic with thoughts of the future. The problem I have is that it’s tremendously hard to stay in the realm of the happy for long.

Yes I’m ill, yes I’m tired, yes this could be my last Christmas. But it could be my neighbors last Christmas too, or my little brothers or my big sisters.

I try my best to be positive about bad things too. Like if I can’t have a holiday or climb a tree what can I do? Maybe I could drive my old Volvo to Sweden and get a look at the museum of Volvos. Or take a rail trip to Cumbria and look at the fells and water while eating and drinking in warm dry tea shops.

I’m always trying to get by with mind trying to trip me up.

Take to me about what drives you mad — outside of the medical troubles we have?

During the Covid lockdown downs I tried to dispel my fears of catching it and dying by thinking about the “‘little things’  ( and not the expected tourist sights) we had seen or done on holiday that had surprised us or we had enjoyed eg the morning we woke up in a hired camper van in Australia to find some wallabies (Queuing  for breakfast?) When the future is frightening the happiness of the past is a wonderful distraction

Your mention of Sweden reminds me of a trip I did with my ex wife and a couple of friends. We drove in two identical black Peugeot 405s from Crewe right to the most northern point in Europe through Sweden, Finland and Norway.

I wish I had lived myself better. I look back on all the things I should have done better. I lost the one person who I loved because I didn't show her enough how much I loved her and then married someone who I should have just stayed friends with. Now I'm here, alone, no family who cares, no real friends and having to live my final days constantly in tears.

And I look at the world I'll be leaving and that breaks my heart. It feels like everything has got so much worse. Whatever happened to us living together in peace and tranquility? I don't really look at the news any more. All I see are people in hunger, being killed, being evil to others. And it's getting worse. Even though I don't really communicate with my daughter I can't help thinking that her children are going to live in a really bad world as they grow up. And noone seems to want to do something about it.

I got in contact with that person who I should have shown more love to. She's such a lovely person and it breaks my heart still further to know that I should have spent my life with her but haven't because of my mistakes.

You are certainly someone who is caring or else you wouldn’t worry about the life your grandkids are growing into. But you are looking at a past relationship, missed relationship as if you can’t do it again. You surely can.

I had a good sleep but I’m glad to hear about your history through this wonderful forum.

Tell me more.

Morning Tim, there was a well known psychiatrist  called Elisabeth Kubler- Ross who defined 5 stages of grief in death and dying - for those facing their own death and the death of loved ones. These stages are  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The theory is that first of all you don’t believe the bad news. Then you are really angry with it. Then you try to do something to put it off eg ‘if I do this, then it won’t happen’. But bargaining doesn’t work so you fall into a big black hole of depression before accepting the inevitable. 
Later scholars have argued that the progression through these stages is not straightforward . We might be, say, angry to start with and then deny and jump to acceptance before going back to depression etc. 

however, what the ‘stages’ tell us is that it is perfectly normal and acceptable to have all of these emotions when dealing with death and dying.

i now realise that I went through these stages of grief (and, to some extent still am going through them) when my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  I would like to add another emotion that I have experienced - fear! 

I think we trundle through our lives as if we are going to live forever. But - none of us will! We also make wrong turns along the way! We make big decisions without having any idea of what the future will hold. We all make mistakes! We are human, after all. But we all have made good ( perhaps even lucky? ) decisions or Fate steps in and things turn out better ( or worse) than we might have hoped.

when, suddenly, we are brought up against the reality of the  loss of our loved ones or our own lives it brings us up with a massive shock and re- evaluation of our lives . Old certainties, plans for the future etc are completely thrown out of the window and we face a new uncertainty which we have not ‘ordered’ for our selves and loved ones. We are emotionally thrown into total disarray (well, I was !) and we are frightened about the emotional pain we feel and what our new unplanned future might hold.

So, your own reactions to this latest setback are both understandable and acceptable. At one of my lowest life moments somebody said to me - ‘this, too, shall pass.’ I think it might be a quote from the bible? But it’s right, the sharpness of each of these emotions does pass. The absolute paralysing pain of the emotion does subside - as with other more positive emotions such as jubilation or excitement.

 So, please forgive my lecture in psychology!  Please have patience with your own very painful emotions - these, too, will pass!  We are here for you, we are hearing your pain, we are reaching out to you and will continue to do so x

No, too late for me now. There's no point in even thinking about it. I was alone as a child and I'm going to be alone when I die.

Hello Tim (TimR123) 

I can understand your situation and we are all trying to help and point you in the direction of support. In view of the circumstances you may find more support by joining this group:

Living with incurable cancer forum - patients only 

Just click on the link I have provided above.

As I said yesterday if you feel I can help please do let me know.

Best wishes - Brian.