I had a mucosal melanoma on the head of my penis (the glans). I say ‘had’ because that was before they cut my penis off. I thought I’d be more happy about being cancer free, but I was nowhere prepared for post-surgery. Though called a “partial” penectomy, it left me with barely a nub. This surreal result threw me into a debilitating depression which I am still suffering from 2 months later. Trust me, I’ve had multiple therapists, a psychiatrist, social workers, a buddy/mentor connection, this site, and even ketamine therapy. It just baffles me how big of a deal this is.
Despite the large support team, there is one glaring omission: none of my support groups, nor cancer groups so far have had an amputation of their penis. The most frequent response is, “that must be just like a woman having a mastectomy.” I assure you it is not. Not even close. Everyone agrees this is a trauma, but if you are a man it goes so, so much deeper than that. I’m still trying to come to terms with the horrific disfigurement — I haven’t even broached the possibility of ever being with a woman again. Ever.
So, I continue to flounder and take heavy doses of meds. After 2 months of disability I go back to work next week. That will also be a challenge with my frustrating immunotherapy side effects like extremely painful joints, colitis, and rapidly decreasing cognition.
Did you lose a penis in the operating room like I did? Please reach out.
