When a parent has cancer and you feel you are not included.

3 replies
26 subscribers
757 views

2017 the world got turned upside down when I returned home from working abroad with a friend in Italy, she had cancer, stage 3 pancreatic!!

I didn't know much about the stages of cancer but I knew enough that pancreatic was not a good outcome in the long run. I was due to return back to the continent for work shortly and my first thought was to run away whilst you still can. Sorry to say that's exactly what I did but why may you ask?

I was scared, to be honest, and I knew from the moment the diagnosis was announced that I would not be involved in any care or treatment plans. Why would I be I thought, your not a child anymore but also you are still often treated like one and I have my own life working in Europe.

Forward 5 years, multiple operations and rounds of chemo and I still feel I am in the same boat. Everything has changed and will never be the same again, chemo brain I realise was very real as she forgets everything, remembers nothing, overthinks everything etc. I have my had my mental, emotional and physical health shaken to the core running away from it all and even worse so since moving in back home last year. I have my concerns constantly yet I feel they are never listened to and I'm accused of being selfish.

I know if the shoe was on the other foot and I was not including them in my treatment etc holy guacamole the world would fall apart!!

Any advice would be welcome, I'm emotionally falling apart!

Squeaky over 2 years ago

Hello Elf164

I can see that you are distressed about the situation. First of all, I think it was OK to go back to your work abroad. Most of us are scared when a close relative or friend is diagnosed with cancer.

The second point is this. People deal with a cancer diagnosis in different ways. Some want to talk about it and others don't. Some want to involve others and some don't.

It seems to me that your parent has treated you the way she does before the cancer diagnosis. Many of us have parents like that. My mother was 97 when she dies (not of cancer) and I was 63 and she was still 'bringing me up'. I am afraid that you have to reconcile yourself to the fact that this behaviour is not likely to change so you either have to 'go with the flow' or remove yourself from the toxic atmosphere.

These decisions are hard to make but, ultimately, might lead to a better life for everyone.

Squeaky

Turkishdelight over 2 years ago in reply to Squeaky

Hi everyone

I'm new and my mum had pancreatic cancer diagnosis around 12 weeks ago and I've been on outopiliot since. I've kinda moved in as dad recently had knee replacement surgery but also is struggling to cope. At first we were told she would have surgery to get it removed but later told her bmi is so low surgery would probably kill her . That day she left hospital without any kind of treatment plan. But mum is a fighter and has insisted in trying chemo understanding its not a cure but may give her more time with us all. She starts treatment Monday and inside I'm going out of my mind because I'm not so sure. Honestly I've not had much support Professionally and wanted some feedback on what to expect.

Thanks

Squeaky over 2 years ago in reply to Turkishdelight

Hi Turkishdelight

I'm sorry to hear this. Over the piece there is sometimes not much support although your GP should be in a position to help you. In the short term I would contact the nurses on Pancreatic Cancer UK. 0808 801 0707. They are very helpful and knowledgeable about PC and can give you advice.

There are different views on whether to have chemo. But, The thing I discovered when my husband was ill was that you have to respect the views of the patient.

Squeaky

More from this forum

When a parent has cancer and you feel you are not included.