Hi there one & all,
So........my palliative chemo for my secondary cancer of liver mets finished in July last year & it was a slow road to feeling well enough to start making the most of whatever time I have. We took some equity out of the house, we were looking forward to having a week or fortnight away each month and then the dreaded Covid hit the country, like so many I went into lockdown, struggled a bit but thought well you have to get on with it. I have ventured out of late masked and gloved to go to a couple of garden centres but the fact that so many people are acting like the risk has gone away I don’t feel very confident. My husband has been marvellous, FaceTime has kept me in touch with my family that live back in Essex. But I feel so trapped and frustrated that this is the time we should have been living life, I feel reasonably well but lately my digestive system has been giving me problems so resting has been the only option. I know there are so many people having a much tougher time than me, but I’m frightened about the future, I have a telephone consultation in August and I’m hoping a scan will be on the cards as I need to know if the tumours are contained and that it hasn’t spread anywhere else. My oncologist is very good and I can talk to him, I don’t like to trouble my nurse as I feel there are other people more deserving of her time. I feel so very selfish and guilty but I can’t snap out of this, my husband bare the brunt of my moods as it’s just me and him. I hope to find the courage to book a holiday here in the uk but it will need to be a stand alone property as I’m frightened at being in a crowded area frightens me.
The lockdown is making me paranoid about every pain, discomfort and twinge, as much as I keep busy it is becoming a struggle to pull myself together.
Sorry for the long whinge, but my family and friends don’t really understand what it’s like living with an incurable illness and also I don’t want to burden them. It’s all a double edged sword.
Take care everyone,
xx
