How am I going to cope without her.

Hi Hope

I have said it before but I think you will find the reality of the loss of your Grandma is not as bad as you anticipate. There is no doubt that your life will change when she is gone but you have 31 years of happy memories to treasure.

Just now you will be very unsettled and you will be angry from time to time. But take one day at a time. 

Hospices are amazing. Such happy places in the midst of sadness.

Squeaky

Hi Squeaky,

Sorry you must be thinking I'm a massive pain, keep going on about it. I'm so sorry, how are you doing, I hope that you are finding strength, as you seem to be very brave and strong.

Hope

x

Hi Hope

I don’t think you are a pain at all. My last grandparent, Granny, died when I was 13 and I was so sad. But to have your Grandma at 31 probably means you have a deeper connection. It will be difficult to lose her and you will never ‘get over it’ but you will readjust your life and I absolutely promise you that one day sadness will be replaced with joy. And on your wedding day and when children come along you will think of her and smile.

It is three and a half years since my husband died and I have carved another life for myself. At first I felt guilty that I lived but then I realised that you have get on and do your best.

Pop in and chat at any time and keep talking to your Grandma in the Hospice.

Squeaky

Tee Hi hope 

i was so lucky that I lost my last grandparent aged 37.She was such a lovely lady and big influence on my life. By the time my mum died 8 years to the day I had got my head around things. Please don’t ever apologise for your feelings. It’s so hard lose someone you love but I think I’ve told you before grief is the price of love. Good luck sweetheart you’ll be fine x

Hi Kate, and Squeaky,

Thank you for your kind replies, they have been a great comfort, and yes to have been able to know my Grandma as an adult has been so valuable and I have been so lucky.

I spent a couple of hours with her yesterday as she slept, holding her hand and I will forever cherish this, as I felt so close to her in those moments, no one was saying anything, and I know this sounds cliché but it was so peaceful and nice and quiet, no thoughts going around in my head, no distractions from the outside world, just me and my lovely Grandma.

I also took a photo as a memory of me holding her hand, that I have filtered to black and white, and it looks really nice, and captures a sad but at the same time beautiful moment, for me to give back to her and look after her, and say thank you for all the times that she has been there for me.

I'm waffling again now, I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or the fact that being able to write things down helps, as no one passes judgement here. We are all on the same kind of journey.

Is it awful of me to think, as the days draw to a close, I want her to pass, just so that she is no longer in pain?

The staff at the hospice are so lovely and you can tell the genuinely care about what they do, they simply cannot do enough for the families aswell as the patient.

As I was leaving last night, she took my hand and said "thank you" no Grandma thank you, for instilling in me your sense of independence, your work ethic, your generosity and most of all thank you for being my Grandma - I'm utterly proud to call myself your Granddaughter.

Hope x

Truly a beautiful post that speaks volumes of what beautiful people you are xx

Hello Hope

I agree with Needing friends that your latest post was lovely.

I don’t believe it is selfish of you to wish for your Grandma to pass. You have been a superb granddaughter to her and I think that’s why she said ‘thank you’. It wasn’t about just yesterday. It was about your whole life.

Sitting quietly in a hospice is wonderful as life draws to a close.

Squeaky

Hi Hope

I think  our friends have said pretty much anything I could say. There comes a time when words seem so inadequate yet to say nothing is inappropriate. My Anne is almost probably into her last few days but who knows.  I've been told by the medical staff she is a fighter. Some how perhaps we are treading a similar path at this moment in time my friend. Stay strong for Gran and make her proud of you. 

Bless Geoff x

Hello just reading your message, I feel the same way as you about my mother, although my mum is not on her way out yet I know it’s to come eventually. I have had the same feelings of selfishness of how am I going to cope without her .. because she is my world. I think it’s just feelings we all experience, I think we feel selfish because it’s not actually us it’s happening too. But as a family you are all affected. So don’t feel selfish! 

What I try to do is think of how strong my mum is, I remind myself that if she is strong then I need to be strong and just admire her for that. I try to distract myself from the thoughts of how am I gonna do this etc etc as that’s not in the now. Try to tell yourself that you will deal with it when it happens, until then just enjoy those precious moments and time. It can be hard I fully understand that, you’ve most likely been strong throughout this journey, believe in yourself that you will be ok.

Thoughts are with you 

Kezzi 

Hi Kezzi,

Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot, and I know I've said it before, but this site is a god's send, especially when I can't sleep and I'm awake at stupid o clock in the morning, your all here with your kind and comforting words. You are all like friends, which is especially comforting, as I go home and feel so alone, in an empty house, I don't want to keep phoning my parents, and my friends seem to be no were to be seen.

Yes I am appreciating the moments that we have, she is deteriorating quite rapidly now, to the point were she does not want to have any water, or anything to drink, or anything to eat, I feel that It won't be much longer now, as she said last night wait, we didn't want to leave her, she looked at peace.

I know in time the grief will heal, and I will be able to live with it, not really get over it, but live with it, as she will be forever in my heart, and I read a lovely poem that summed it up so well.

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

x