My lovely wife Anne is now in her own private room at the brilliant Ealing Hospital. She awaits a transfer to Meadow House Hospice just behind the hospital when there is a vacancy. This hospice cannot be beaten, not only for patients, but a relative who wishes to stay 24/7 alongside their dying love ones. Anne rests a lot with her eyes closed these days and has become slow talking - but can take in everything visiting family talks about. She also sleeps a lot but we can never tell the difference! Today I was telling my daughter about my favourite ready meals at homel. Anne opened her eyes and said to my daughter. He won't be eating them. When I said. Then what will I have my darling? Anne replied. You'll be drinking your beer. Then closed her eyes again. My daughter, Annes brother and his wife and I burst out laughing and Anne gave a small smile. ANNE'S A FIGHTER. Even the doctor told her this today because the antibiotics she's been given through a cannula are working on her associated heart problem, even though my poor love is only expected to have days left. Today Anne layed emphasise on telling me she loved me before I left, after a lingering kiss. Anne's never been a 'mushy' romantic type of lady. So it took me by surprise. Of course this soft lad left with a few tears rolling down his cheeks. I wish I could control this ! My daughter is staying the night with her Mum, which is a comfort. Our home is a dead place without my Queen Anne who will never return. There's no life in it. I'm dreading the future.
Hi Splodge and Everyone 
My turn today for the night shift with my darling. But I've woken up this morning and I just can't stop crying. All of a sudden the grief has taken me over. I'm an emotional wreck. Anne would be so annoyed with me. She's the strong one. Very pragmatic and philosophical. Like a lot of men I'm strong on the outside but a bloody wimp when it comes to dealing with my own emotions. I just want to run away to my 'man cave.' and drink myself into oblivion. I can handle with sensitivity other people's problems but this one of mine has suddenly decided to rip me open from head to toe. I wish Icould have a massive heart attack at my Anne's bed side and get it all over with for both of us. Knowing other poor souls in this world are having things much worse is no consolation. I've had one friend and one acquaintance commit suicide and I seemed to know it took great guts to go through with. Cynics of course say its just the easy way out. Idiots! I'm not planning doing the same but when the mind goes numb and almost robotic I see how how the act could just take over a person. Roy hanged himself. Tess wandered into the woods and wasnt found until 4 months later. She was clutching her bible and a hot water bottle. I know I'm rambling on and on. Just writing is helping some what and the tears have stopped - for now.
Geoff x
