My lovely wife is losing weight fast ( nearly 3lbs a week.) and is running out of energy. She's struggling with her Creon which all to often leaves her bloated and in pain through wind. More recently she's developed an on and off pain in the extreme lower abdomen. For those who have read my previous posts under other titles Anne refused all treatment 15months ago. As a result she was given 6 to 12 month of life. The local hospice nurse is to contact her next week. When we were first given the prognosis Anne was strong in mind, and still is.She said "Well at least I've had my death sentence." She's still as strong in mind today. ( perhaps an old soul?) I was the one that cried. As a man and ex Met Police Officer of 30yrs I'm not ashamed to say this despite having dealt with tragedies of many kinds.
NOW I'LL GET TO THE POINT. During the last 6months I've often found myself doing things around the house, some cooking and washing and in the frame of mind of a single man.Content with my progress. Yet at another time in the day Im feeling destraught at the thought of losing my beloved. I'm like two people these days and I never know from day to day which one is in charge. It's when I first wake in morning that ' who I am ' let's me know. Strange thoughts. I can speak quite pragmatically to neighbours, family, and friends about Anne's condition yet be on my own and feel hopless My mind totally numb. Yet on another occasion I'm seeing myself fishing more in the future and drinking with my friends. Like all old people, ( Im 73yrs.) I get to thinking about the past a lot and sometimes kind of relive it. Strange thoughts. At the moment I have what I call ' My policemans head on.' But later when I see my Anne struggling to eat I'll feel useless and distraught again. Strange thoughts.
Hi Needing friends
It seems we really are treading the same path at this moment in time. However keep strong as best you can for your hubby. His medical prognosis is different to Anne's so for you both there may well be light at the end of the tunnel. I too bury myself on the internet a lot but using my tablet. I trawl through many subjects regarding pancreatic cancer including YouTube videos, viewing stuff from sufferers that's covering literally everything. As you wisely say the survival instinct is kicking in and certainly for me I'm kind of going through a rehearsal of Anne's passing ; not wanting to be suddenly confronted with an event I havnt seen or know about so I won't be pole axed with shock. Today Anne insists on cooking the Sunday roast. I was relegated to peeling the potatoes only. She's so stubborn and strong willed. I can hear her in the kitchen dealing with her trapped wind and pain but she won't allow me to get involved further. We have a holiday caravan 30 miles away which we paid ground rent for this year but sadly Anne says now she will no longer be able to visit. She calls it her Shangrila .So Im in the process of clearing that out with the help of some good neighbours in my absence. Anne and I know whats ahead but we dont talk about as Anne's philosophy is to take every day one at a time. It reminds me of a Saying a young American child said to his Mum leading up to his passing from cancer. INCH BY INCH LIFE'S A CINCH. YARD BY YARD LIKE IS HARD.
At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.
