SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY MANY MEN COPE

Hi Geoff 

my heart just breaks for you. First of all please recognise that both you and Anne are under so much pressure there’s no wonder you’re starting to bicker. Anne’s attitude is fantastic (same as my mum also an Anne). My mums favourite saying was shit happens closely followed by if life gives you lemons fix a g&t. 

Months before my mum was diagnosed she lost all taste for alcohol something she had enjoyed her whole life. After researching PC I found this is quite common. My mum did go for palliative chemo and suddenly after a couple of courses suddenly fancied a “glass “ of wine. It was one of the best nights of my life. We sat and got hammered laughing and crying together. After that night it really was hit and miss as how she felt but she did enjoy a few more glasses of wine and g&t s. 

I come from a family of drinkers and I would go as far as to say one of my sisters is an alcoholic. That doesn’t mean that the rest of us can’t enjoy a couple of drinks. You need to be able to relax and a couple of drinks will help. It certainly doesn’t sound like you are abusing alcohol or using it as a crutch. You and Anne are going through such a tough time u think you need to give yourself a break. You’ve seen so much in your professional life, it’s far worse when it’s personal. You’re being so strong. Why not go and give Anne a big hug tell her how much you love her and then sit and enjoy a beer and relax a little. You are obviously a devoted husband and that is something to be proud of xx

Hi Splodge 

Thank you so much for sharing so much personal information about your experiences. I love you for that in the most appropriate way.  Every night I give Anne a hug before bed and say " I love you." And she says the same back. But  when I hug Anne  I can feel her spine and other bones poking through her sweet body and it shocks me - as visually I see her as my darling lady from when we first met 50yrs ago. Yet strangely despite this,  I still see deeper into her very being, her very soul  and appearances matter not .Anne is my twin soul yet we have always been chalk and cheese: Anne the pragmatist and me the dreamer. How can a serving  police officer and a retired one be a dreamer LOL ? I know Im seeing her dying before my very eyes. I have no denial. Even as I write this and having had a large amount of beer ( Anne and I hugged before she went to bed.)  I think I'm no longer in the dog house. Anne is now telling me to prepare meals and do certain  house work that I've never done before. I know she is preparing me for her passing. God I love her so much I don't know how I will live with out her.

Oh Geoff 

I can’t tell you how much you sound like my parents. My mum (Anne) did everything she could to “train” my dad. Practical things like using the washing machine and teaching him to cook. We all laughed as they had a traditional relationship him the provider her the housewife. I have to say he tries now but is still useless. It’s almost a year since we lost my mum and my dad has amazed us all. He still gets very emotional when we talk about her but he’s coping. You will too my friend. Good luck to you both xx

Tthank you so much for your support my friend.

Its five past two in the morning but I don't feel like bed. I'm just sipping coffee and vaping  ( I gave up tobacco smoking 3yrs ago.)  How I hate that American term ' Closure.'  There is never closure. All our memories,  based on feelings and emotions,  never 'Close.' We just learn to live with them as best we can. I'm just basing this on a lot of stuff that's affected me over the years from family deaths  including a revelation about my conception. I think I'm going to be like your dad when Anne passes but hopefully I can manage it  in private as I'll do my best to put my policemans head on when talking to my kids ( Yeah right ! )   Matthew and Sarah. I can feel you've said all you can to me concerning the current situation so perhaps we might remain in contact as things change  with Anne?  But never feel obliged Kate. Dont we all cringe at the thought of 'Clingy ' people. '  LOL. 

BLESS YOU XX

Good morning Geoff

As you know comments on this forum are public so I hope you don’t mind me joining in with my perspective. Splodge is a wonderful person who give such good advice and is a great support to people on here and I know she was fabulous caring for her Mum and now supporting her Dad.

My husband was operable but either the cancer came back quickly or they didn’t get it all but within three months of the surgery it showed up again. I think we were both optimistic but as time went on the future became clear. And, it’s not easy watching someone who has been strong and decisive through life begin to change.

For what it’s worth you will cope as we all do. If that involves a few beers fine. My life isn’t the one I wanted but it’s OK and sometimes it’s better than that.

i admire Anne in refusing chemo and getting on with things. Without doubt I’d do the same.

its good you are getting training in household issues! My training was in managing finances!

Good wishes to you and Anne.

Squeaky

Thanks Squeaky.

I'm a very open person and welcome any comments from all. And as a lady who's been through what Anne and I are now I greatly respect your wise and encouraging input.

Thanks again 

Geoff. 

Hi Geoff

Sorry for the late reply I haven’t been on the forum for a few days. As I see it I have butted in on your thread so could never call you clingy lol. When my mum was diagnosed just over 2 years ago I didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t even know what your pancreas did. But then I found this site and some incredibly kind people and it was a godsend. Squeaky was the first person to reply to me which has started a lovely friendship (thanks for those kind words Squeaky, you really are thoughtful). When things were really tough I posted on here all the time. I have great friends but unless you’ve been through this you couldn’t understand and I also didn’t like to burden people. In this forum though everyone understands, we may all come from different backgrounds but we all have an understanding. 

When my mum died last year everyone expected me to come of here but I remember how much it helped me when I needed to talk to someone with the same experience so decided to stick around. Hopefully by sharing experiences we all help each other isn’t that what makes the world go round? 

I hope you and Anne have many more wonderful days ahead of you. Treasure every one of them. Speak soon x

Things erupted again tonight. I just can't do right for doing wrong it seems.

Anne is having problems with bloating and stomach pain. Even with the community dietician nurses help its still a problem getting the dose of creon right. Her  lupus has also flared up and she's had to increase her statins from 5mg a day to 10mg  on the advice of her lupus specialist but even so her constant tiredness and fatigue is still with her. I love Anne to bits and bend over backwards to keep her happy and tell her often that I love her. Today I went fishing on my own - Im always on my own now.  My best mate died about 8yrs ago - and had a brilliant day catching loads of fish and christening my new rod. I came home so happy. As you may know I'm an ex Met Police Officer and so led that 30yrs in a drinking culture which I suspect no longer exists today because of health and safety and goodness knows what else to stop officers unwinding from the stress ? So I came home with my usual 4 cans of medium strength Carlsburg plus a pack of 5 cigars. ( I normally vape but to day was a celebration day) SO I THOUGHT ? All was really well between Anne and myself untill I said I fancied another 4 cans which I'm well able to take. Believe me I understand alcohol.  And then Anne started ! " No! you've had enough." I explained the happiness/ stress I was feeling and I just needed to preserve the high I was on. She had agreed in  the recent past that I could drink what I liked because I'm a responsible drinker. But that was forgotten today. " You've put me off my tea now. I can't eat it. Dont you know I'm dying of pancreatic cancer?"  I said. " And I'm your husband and carer. Do you not think Im not riddled with mixed emotions. Who the hell do I turn to to deal with the knowledge that the love of my life is dying of cancer. I have needs to." And so it went on.  Anne feeding me a constant  guilt trip. She's become paranoid about alcohol yet used to drink herself. I know she came from a troubled past involving alcohol related parental issues but I'm feeling those traumatic days have manifested themselves again and are being projected on to me. And I don't know why ? I'm not a wife abuser for goodness sake! Anne said I'd been drinking yesterday before Sunday dinner. But I hadn't. It took her a while to remember that I was telling the truth. Her mind isn't what it used to be. I'm now at my wits end. If Anne carries on like this I can see myself drinking to excess just to numb my mind from it all. Anne is so verbally vindictive when she goes off on one. Sorry for such a long whinge. Perhaps my post should have gone to the Carers Site? What do you guys think? 

Things erupted again tonight. I just can't do right for doing wrong it seems.

Anne is having problems with bloating and stomach pain. Even with the community dietician nurses help its still a problem getting the dose of creon right. Her  lupus has also flared up and she's had to increase her statins from 5mg a day to 10mg  on the advice of her lupus specialist but even so her constant tiredness and fatigue is still with her. I love Anne to bits and bend over backwards to keep her happy and tell her often that I love her. Today I went fishing on my own - Im always on my own now.  My best mate died about 8yrs ago - and had a brilliant day catching loads of fish and christening my new rod. I came home so happy. As you may know I'm an ex Met Police Officer and so led that 30yrs in a drinking culture which I suspect no longer exists today because of health and safety and goodness knows what else to stop officers unwinding from the stress ? So I came home with my usual 4 cans of medium strength Carlsburg plus a pack of 5 cigars. ( I normally vape but to day was a celebration day) SO I THOUGHT ? All was really well between Anne and myself untill I said I fancied another 4 cans which I'm well able to take. Believe me I understand alcohol.  And then Anne started ! " No! you've had enough." I explained the happiness/ stress I was feeling and I just needed to preserve the high I was on. She had agreed in  the recent past that I could drink what I liked because I'm a responsible drinker. But that was forgotten today. " You've put me off my tea now. I can't eat it. Dont you know I'm dying of pancreatic cancer?"  I said. " And I'm your husband and carer. Do you not think Im not riddled with mixed emotions. Who the hell do I turn to to deal with the knowledge that the love of my life is dying of cancer. I have needs to." And so it went on.  Anne feeding me a constant  guilt trip. She's become paranoid about alcohol yet used to drink herself. I know she came from a troubled past involving alcohol related parental issues but I'm feeling those traumatic days have manifested themselves again and are being projected on to me. And I don't know why ? I'm not a wife abuser for goodness sake! Anne said I'd been drinking yesterday before Sunday dinner. But I hadn't. It took her a while to remember that I was telling the truth. Her mind isn't what it used to be. I'm now at my wits end. If Anne carries on like this I can see myself drinking to excess just to numb my mind from it all. Anne is so verbally vindictive when she goes off on one. Sorry for such a long whinge. Perhaps my post should have gone to the Carers Site? What do you guys think? 

Hi Geoff

Never apologies for having a whinge on here, that’s exactly what it’s for to get things off your chest. I hope you feel better for it. I find writing things down does get it out and bring some relief. I’m sorry things are so tough right now.

I understand because my mum could get extremely bad tempered and say some awful things and it always coincided with an infection. When she was over the infection we would talk and she would be sorry and in her rational mind would never be so harsh. The one and only time she was discharged from hospital without me there she forgot to bring her makeup bag home. When the hospital rang and told me I asked her if she wanted me to pick it up (a 3 hour round trip that I was doing so often) or they could post it. She said they may as well post it as I had taken the wrong eyeliner. I pointed out that it must be terrible having such a thoughtless daughter as my dad had called me the week before at 2am asking me to come as she was so sick. I called an ambulance went with her in it spent the night in a&e got a taxi home at 11am packed her things drove them in and then went to work. I laughed and said I understood how irritating it must be to have the wrong eyeliner. I still got the cold shoulder all day. A few days later she laughed about it and realised how ridiculous she was being but admitted at the time she felt justified. 

It may be worth a chat with her specialist nurse. Also don’t forget if Anne is taking heavy medication this can also cause mood swings. Whatever is causing it I get how much it hurts. You just have to remember Anne well would never be like that. I hope things improve soon and you can have more happy days x