How do I motivate my husband with PC

Hi jofisabel

welcome to the community but I’m so sorry about your husbands diagnosis. You are both going to be in shock as his diagnosis was so recent. I would suggest that the first thing you should do is give your selves a break so that you can take time to come to terms with things. To be told it’s likely that you only have a year must be horrific and I’m sure will take more than a week to get your head around. 

On top of the diagnosis he’s obviously weak from the infection and in pain from the cancer so probably isn’t feeling too motivated. Most of us on here that have cared for someone with PC have gone through the food issues, and we’ve all stressed over it. Your GP can prescribe supplement drinks which are high calorie and can help when he can’t face food. My mum had fortijuice but there are other types. Also has he started taking creon yet? It will help him digest what he can eat but getting the right dose can be a little tricky. 

The most important thing you can do though is to take care of yourself. You are going to have a difficult time but you can also have more good times. 

This community is a great place for support and there’s usually someone around it’s always a great place to vent. 

Hi Jofisabel

Splodge has given great advice to you.. As she says the diagnosis will have been staggering for both of you. Whilst it is good to encourage your husband he is the patient and he needs to set the pace. With my husband it took me a bit of time to realise that we had a ‘new normal’ and it was best to go with the flow. As Splodge says many of us have gone through the food issue and I realise now that trying to encourage my husband to eat food he didn’t want just stressed us.

If you haven’t already done so look at the Pancreatic Cancer UK website. There’s lots of good stuff there. You can phone their help line too. The nurses on it are great.

Squeaky

Hello, my partner had a whipples operation for Pancreatic cancer last November and has been unmotivated and off his food since. He is even reluctant to drive for more than 20 minutes even though he has recovered well. He has refused the 6 months of chemotherapy offered and will not let me go to oncology appointments.  I have to distance myself from his anger at times, I know its not personal, so as others have said, take care of yourself as well, it is a new nom but you will cope xx

Hi Jofisabel

He sounds just like my husband. He is 59 He was diagnosed in february, started chemo in march but only had two sessions and has had infections ever since. He has no energy or interest in anything - his hobby was only ever having a drink with friends or going out in our motorhome - which he won't drive now and I can't. He has no appetite and is full after a few mouthfuls. He will only talk to close friends and family, doesn't pick his phone up if he doesn't know who is calling, is easily irritated and showing signs of depression. I try to stay cheerful. I facetime our grand daughter who is the apple of his eye but lives 19 miles away, when she comes he won't let her near him n case she has any infections I try to keep cheerful to be as normal as possible but I recently had a heart attack from stress and had high blood pressure which has now caused an ulcer on my leg,so I have to deal with that.

tonight we have both decided we need to talk to each other and to someone else so I have contacted Macmillan. I hope you get sorted, and if you ever need to talk I'm here

Hi Bluebellwoods

This is a very stressful time for you and your husband and having cared for my own husband I know how you feel. I think it’s about taking one day at a time. 

I hope Macmillan are able to help. I also found it useful to speak to the nurses on the Pancreatic Cancer UK helpline.

Squeaky

Yes, it does sound like we’re running similar parallel paths and they do seem to have things in common, particularly the pub, also my husband was a smoker till 4 years ago. He’s not made it to Chemo yet. The infection has been stubborn and despite being sent home from hospital 4 times so far when the bloods are showing a reduction in the infection. He’s back in again, worse then ever after the hospital tried unsuccessfully to place a stent in his liver. First time didn’t work and the second attempt with a local anaesthetic has caused a general decline in his health so that he now can’t even walk a few steps due to pain and breathing difficulties.

I’m so happy you have agreed to have help to talk to each other. I doubt I will ever get that. After 32 years of marriage the last few years we have been estranged, only recently getting back together. We had so much of our relationship to repair, and he won’t talk, only time would have helped to heal and rebuild. Now time maybe limited I doubt I will ever get what I need.

Luckily I’m physically healthy and in full time work and they are being very understanding. I cannot imagine how hard it is when you yourself are ill. They say to look after yourself and I know I’m not doing that as well as I should. My main concern is my mental heath as the last two years leading up to this latest trauma have taken their toll.

I hope you have support from your family and friends particularly as you’re ill yourself. I also hope  your husband is strong and keeps fighting. It sounds as though his reluctance to be around his granddaughter is his way of fighting and I’m sure FaceTime is a useful tool.

One day at a time for both of us and as a friend recently said to me, you never know how strong you are till you have no choice.

Stupid but so true.....I’m holding your hand. Keep going - there is no choice.

xx

Dear Splodge321

Thank you - Only just figuring out how to use this site so I seem to be missing many of the messages. Most of my time has been in the hospital so far, and the food issue has really been taken out of my hands. However he is on Creon now and the Fortijuice along with a ton of medication. I used to have to persuade him to take one pain killer, so I hate seeing him with so many tablets to take.

The doctors are trying hard to get him into a fit state for chemo but its a rollercoaster where things seem to change by the minute. Individually the doctors and nurses are amazing but sometimes the processes are lacking and for patients like my husband they make a tough period even tougher.

Trying to take care of myself but it just feels selfish. Even reading the messages I've written it sounds like they're all about me.

Thanks for your kind words.

Thanks Squeaky

I will try the site and continue with our new normal.

Jofisabel

Hi Needing Friends

Not sure what Whipples operation is as I haven't read enough yet. I'm sad about your partners anger, I think its probably a form of protection. I think men have a more of a tendency to default to anger just like women in some case default to tears.

It's just the way he is coping. My husband has refused to see any family members or friends and has only talked to people from work. 

Maybe your partners anger will change as he learns to deal with it. I'll hope.

Jofisabel

Thank you jofisabel, it helps to know its not an uncommon reaction, it just feels hurtful to be excluded. I guess you are right, maybe he is protecting me, and I also think that he has such a strong personality that he wants to be in sole charge of his destiny. The trouble is that he doesn't always listen to what's being said, only hears what he wants to, cherry picking the bits he agrees with and ignoring the rest. It's a balancing act between feeling guilty that you are not insisting enough to get treatment and respecting his wishes xx