Coping techniques when these feelings start to overwhelm you?

Hi - welcome to the group and sorry you’re having to find yourself here.

I think we’ve all experienced these feelings you’re describing, the fear of it all overwhelming you and the worry that you’re thoroughly ‘riddled’ with cancer - as I used to describe it! 
I think potentially this is the worst bit, knowing you have cancer and wanting it gone, yet dreading what’s to come. Once you’ve only got a couple of days to go I think it gets a little easier as you switch into action, getting everything ready for your appointment and resting up when the surgery is done.

Remember that the melanoma will have been removed in the biopsy and now you’re just going back to make sure there are nice wide margins. It’s very easier to panic from time to time, and I genuinely believe that having a good old sob and feeling sorry for yourself helps to get rid of some of that adrenaline! Keep busy the rest of the time and try and distract yourself.

Have they given you an idea of how long you’ll need to be off your feet for after the wide local excision? Or how easily they think the wound will heal? Mine was on my calf and had lots of spare flesh for sewing up, but I can imagine that might be trickier on your knee...

I think everyone has different coping techniques but it definitely helps if there’s someone you can properly talk to. Being able to vocalise your worst fears helps to put them into perspective I think. I went with the wine and rubbish telly approach, which probably isn’t the best for sleep issues to be fair, but I’m sure no one in this situation has perfectly unbroken sleep!

The test on your lymph nodes is called a Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy (SLNB). There is a lot of lingo to learn, but you’ll slowly become an expert in all things melanoma. Treatments have come a long way in the last few years with immunotherapy showing very positive results for patients where the melanoma has spread, so the worst case scenario that you’ll be imagining is not quite where things are anymore. Try not to google and think the worst. I’ve had all my groin lymph nodes removed after a large lump there (stage 3b) and now I’m in immunotherapy for a year to ‘mop-up’ any straggling cells. I’m not having any side effects and still working full time.

You will get through this. Please feel free to ask away if there are specific questions/fears you have about the surgery.

Best wishes,

Kate x

Hi

I’m going through the same process if you. In December I got rid of a mole and the beginning of January I have been diagnosed with a melanoma. I had already SNLB and two weeks ago I found out all was clear expect my grown. I will have scan and MRI next week and it’s likely I need a new surgery.

lm fully understand your feelings and your emotions: from a couple of days I have pain in my back and I spent last night on Google... the silliest thing to do! As a result today I have been more overwhelmed than yesterday.

moreover I am Italian living in London and my family cannot be here for the coronavirus measures the government has taken and this makes me feeling even more miserable.

To cope with these feelings, I have been seeing a therapist since the diagnosis and she is helping me a lot, I have a diary  where I write down my feelings but the next steps of this experience: visualising the next step is helping me to stay logical and rational. I have also amazing friends that are helping me to distract. Last week a couple of users on this group told me to be kind with myself: that was the best suggestion ever.

please be kind with yourself - you are not alone in this journey! 

xx 

Thanks Kate for your reply, it really is helpful to know other people have been through a similar process.  I’m sorry to hear about all you’ve been through, but thank you for sharing these details.

I know the melanoma was removed, but that was so long ago already (beginning of December) and I have no idea how long it would take to recur if a bit had been missed, or it had already spread.  The consultant could not feel any swellings when I was examined, so I’m grateful for that, but now I keep feeling little lumps and bumps and my imagination runs riot.  You’re right, I need to keep busy and stop dwelling on things.  I keep telling myself that I need to do that, and only deal with facts not guesses.

I think I’ll have to rest for quite some while after the op as you’re right, it’s in an awkward place where I bend my knee.  My last op was a nightmare as the wound got infected and then my stitches broke open.  I was on crutches and in a lot of pain.  (I also keep imagining that experience could have encouraged any remaining cancer to spread.). They are planning to do a skin graft this time.

Sleep issues are difficult.  I get off to sleep okay, but wake up through the night and immediately get hit by uncontrollable awful thoughts. I’m going to make an appointment to see my GP about that, but otherwise might try your wine and rubbish tv suggestion haha!

I’ll have a think about any surgery questions and come back to this later.

Thank you for now

Thank you Little Ninja,

It must be very scary to be on your own in a foreign country with all this going on.  I’m glad you have some good friends and a nice therapist to help you.  I have my husband, and my family (though they don’t live locally) so I am very lucky.  I also think being able to chat on the internet is a big help, particularly if we ever have to stay in isolation like in your home country.  It reminds me I am not alone, and also there is always someone worse off and I have so much to be grateful for.

Take care and thank you, Xx

Hi LeedsTara, 

it’s so weird to read your original post, it’s like a wrote it myself. I’ve been feeling EXACTLY the same. I also had a mole removed in December, put it out of my mind and was diagnosed early feb with 1B ( massive shock) . I’m now waiting for WLE and SNLB. Like you I’ve been struggling with swinging emotions. At best I’m confident things will work out ( even if next steps are not the news I want to hear) to complete and utter fear and a sense of loss of my future. My coping strategy is keeping busy ( working , looking after my grandbabies) staying away from google and trying to make plans, ( holidays , decorating, trips with the grandkids etc) it helps me feel normal. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had some bad days where I just can’t stop thinking and feel like I’m spiralling. A good cry and reaching out to some goods friends has helped. I just want to say I’m thinking of you and like you’ve said your not alone. I only just joined this forum but have already found so many of the discussions and the forum experts!! Not sure if that I’d the right term, have been so helpful.

take carexx

Hi LeedsTara,

You have been given some good advice already - your fears are natural, we have all been through them and in time you will learn how to deal with them in a way that works for you. Personally, when waiting for surgery or appointments, I launch myself into keeping busy with work, my hobbies or spending time with my grandchildren & my niece's toddlers. If anxiety gets really bad I find meditation or mindfullness help.

I just wondered, because of your Mac Name, are you being treated at Leeds? I ask this because I am under this trust for my melanoma treatment & have been for many years. I just wanted to let you know that I have nothing but praise for the treatment I've received & for the consultants I'm under. Even if the consultant became ill they have several equally well qualified to take over your procedure so there is less chance your op will be delayed.

Good luck with your surgery & I hope the results are clear.

Hi LeedsTara

Like others, I could have written your post.myself, mole removed from calf in December and diagnosed melanoma in January. I've had some very dark thoughts and yes every pain, ache and lump bump was in my.mind cancer everywhere. I had WLE and 2 groin nodes removed last wednesday and also a skin graft as the skin was too tight on the side if my leg. I am recovering and taking it easy this week and will wait 4wks for results. I was referred for some counselling, which has helped, GP prescribed propranolol as and when, which helped a bit with anxiety. But I also found yoga, meditation and eating well have made a big impact on my mood and has helped me work on positive thoughts and good health. I also crochet a lot which is a blessing while sitting with my legs up. My counsellor gave me a little card to remind me to just Stop, breathe, think if the thought is a fact and that helps to stop the negative fears escalating. 

Wishing you well, hope you find something that works for you x

Welcome to the group, wow you've had great advice which has helped me too. I'm in similar position, tomorrow seeing plastic surgeon to discuss SLNB and cutting around the mole and having others removed. I then too have to wait. The uncertainty is what I'm stuggling with. One way or another I will cope I think. I have my logical brain that tells me to eat well, exercise keep busy and some times I manage to be in that place but I find my emotional brain takes over quite alot and eat, drink and can't get motivated to do much. I too find a good cry a release. The be kind to yourself is so important I'm not beating my self up for being in a rubbish place sometimes ,I know this stage will pass. Thanks for all those who are sharing their experiences remind us . They are the voices that say we aren't alone and what we are feeling is normal and we will get through this stage. 

I wish you well  

Cx

Hi and everyone here really, I’m on the HOPE (helping overcome problems effectively) course devised by Macmillan and Coventry University to help cancer patients through their uncertainty and other issues. You may find that your Macmillan information centre has info on the dates that they run close to you or any similar shorter events. Your specialist cancer nurse is tasked to help with psychological issues aswell and may have a list of support centres, or courses near you. The “in your area” button on here can help with finding  some centres eg Maggies that offer yoga, meditation, art therapy, counselling etc, At my hospital the Macmillan centre has a wall that puts up info on cancer rehab gyms etc as well, to get people back to fitness after treatment. 

I find that in the past when things are over whelming like , I have been told to concentrate on breathing, I was very asthmatic as a child, and so I think I have done this automatically, on the HOPE course they recommend putting one hand on your chest and one on your abdominal and have a moment relaxing and see if you can breath from your abdomen, that hand should raise and the one on your chest should stay still, breath in for two and out for 4. I usually find being told to breath any differently than I want to difficult but doing it on my own and not in a group is easier for me. It helps to focus just on the breathing and not on the wizzing around of worries, It helps to see any worry just going past like a car on a road, not engaging with it just acknowledging it’s there but when it’s parked and you have more time you can explore it. I have written down my worries in a worry book, a sentence or better still one word, and given myself a time to worry each day. The time had to be not before bed, (or you will never get to sleep) I chose 10 to 6, so that I could do it while preparing a meal and then relax and eat and I had to have the stop time. I don’t suffer from indigestion but that’s one thing to consider I suppose. I also found chopping carrots helped when thinking about problems !! It’s interesting to see what you worry about at times and how much you can’t control, or is way in the future, and could become a forever worry, but isn’t a threat today so you end up not re writing it as a worry and decide not to bother revisiting it, some of your worries won’t be about you but your children or partners that you have no control over, others might be practical that you can do something about, and can research or make a list of questions to deal with them.

Distraction is a great way of not thinking about things, as I don’t work, I go for a walk every day, when I’m not feeling confident about things volunteering here gets a bit more difficult for me to say my experiences sometimes, of how I’ve had to deal with uncertainty of treatment paths, but I’ve found sometimes I’d bust if I didn’t get the thoughts out of my head, and putting them down in a post or in a blog helps me. 

I still read every now and then the coping section on the Macmillan site to help with if I’ve covered all ideas for me, as nearly 5 years on from diagnosis there are still blip days, I’m kind to myself that it’s normal to have these, and that I can’t be super human. I can now plan when these might happen and plan in a treat before then, for me staying in on my own when I’m expecting a blip is going to be something to avoid, and a hospital day has to be remembered for something other than the scan, a walk and lunch out is much better to think about. 

Macmillan have changed the links to where I used to find the info but I hope the one below might be a good start. I find coping emotionally such a good life skill that’s it’s more productive learning about it than worrying, (but I’ve found there are down days and the good thing about them is recognising you don’t want to feel like that and can get a tool box of ways to build yourself up again.

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/get-help/emotional-help

oh and to start positive thinking, on the course we had to do a gratitude diary, I have in the past put a post up in here, before bed to think of 3 positive things that happened during the day, or three things you feel grateful for. We can do that again for anyone waiting for surgery or results. I’m currently in a live my life phase til the next scan, but the other week I was grateful that my results were ready for my appointment, that the doctor sounded positive and that even through a few blips I’m coping ok. 

Have a great day everyone, find something you enjoy and just do it.