85 year old trying to decide whether to take treatment

Hi Richard1963 and a warm welcome to the online community

I'm sorry to read that your mum has been diagnosed with melanoma and it's natural that you want to try and help her as much as possible.

I'm neither 85 or had pembro but I noticed that your post hadn't had any replies yet. However, I'm pretty confident that your mum's oncologist wouldn't have suggested she take this drug if they didn't feel she would be able to tolerate it.

Perhaps your mum could ask at her appointment next week whether side effects are likely to be worse for her because of her age. Another thing she could perhaps ask would be can she stop taking it if she finds the side effects intolerable.

It would be great if you could pop something about your mum's diagnosis and treatment so far into your profile as it really helps others when answering or looking for someone with a similar pathway. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.

Let us know how she gets on

x

Hi, thanks for the response.

I suspect that her fear of going through the treatment will be put somewhat at ease when she speaks to the oncologist about the drug. I'm concerned about the fact that she lives alone and will be going up to stay as much as possible in between work commitments.

My hope is that she will give the treatment a chance, at least once and then make a decision regarding the next steps, but if she decides, having taken advice not to have the treatment, I will of course support her.

When I get some time tomorrow, I will do as you suggested and fill out the relevant sections of the profile.

Many thanks

She has now been told by the oncologist that her latest pet scan shows the melanoma out of control and she has been referred to palliative care with a local hospice. She was deciding whether to take the Pembro treatment when she got the bad news. Given the time that she's been given, her oncologist says that Pembro or any other more aggressive treatment would not be effective.

She's actually relieved at knowing what's to come and also knowing that the chances of it being relatively pain free are quite high. As she says, she's had a good life, surrounded by a strong family and good friends and done things that some people only dream of. We've organised visits from everyone in the family, as many of her friends as possible and she has expressed a wish to die at home.

I was initially hesitant to post such news in a forum where people look for hope and reassurance, but it's been cathartic to get my thoughts down.

This could've gone a lot differently. She could've responded better to the treatment she's been receiving over the last few years. It's important to know that there is cure and recovery for a lot of people and no one should read this and lose hope for themselves.

Good luck in your own circumstances and I'm always uplifted to read about triumphs and recoveries from this awful disease.

"Richard"

Warm wishes to you and your mother. X

Thanks Kate

Richard1963, I'm saddened to hear the news about your mum's melanoma progress.  It's a lot to take in for all of you I guess but it sounds like your mum has plans for the rest of her time with you al and that's always good.  Being in control of how we die so that we can sort out our affairs, prioritise our needs and spend time with those we love and care about is vital to the human soul I belive.  I understand that some of us on here are uncomfortable talking about death and dying but as a former palliative care nurse and someone with stage three melanoma (and two brain aneurysms)I face he reality of my situation.  I wish you, your mum and your family  time together to make more precious memories.  May your mum's time now be painfree and happy.  Wishing you all the best x️

Hello Richard1963, I’m sorry to hear about your Mum but glad that you have posted. We all like to hang on to hope for as long as possible, but when we recognise the turning point in a treatment journey it is equally good to accept with strength, and peace a different ending. I much admired my cousin gracefully turning her attention to celebrating her own life and having acceptance for a peaceful ending to her own life after just a few months of bowel cancer when all options were off the table. 

We all have different pathways and I still have options as do the majority here which shouldn’t be forgotten. 

Richard there is a group called Supporting someone with incurable cancer - Discussion Forum, I hope that group can be of some use to you. 

Thank You very much.

Thanks very much, and I will have a look at the forum you mentioned.

Hi Richard1963

I'm sad to read the news that your mum is unable to have immunotherapy for her melanoma but I'm sure she'll receive excellent care from her local hospice.

Do think about joining the group that KTatHome has mentioned as you'll find it's a safe and supportive place to share your worries and concerns and to also be able to talk to others in a similar situation.

Sending virtual ((hugs)) to you and your mum