I wrote on here a while ago when a CT scan picked up something nasty. Got some loverly replies, though I can't find those previous posts - so many different forums, but thanks to everyone who replied.
Been maybe 6 weeks since then and I've started the processing process. I had a bunch of tests during May including a CAT scan where my Spiderman joke fell pretty flat - I guess they'd heard it before ;o) Met so many loverly medical staff, some with reassuring smiles, some with poker faces which seemed a reasonable approach considering what they were dealing with.
I've kept the diagnosis pretty close to my chest (HA! see what I did there???) only telling people who needed to know because my absence for treatment would affect them, plus a couple of close friends. This has felt like the right choice, I live alone and have no family and a) I wanted to be relaxed around most people and b) I get worn down when people constantly ask how I am.
So tomorrow I meet my specialist guy to find out what they found out. The intervening time has had a strange lightness about it - I'm a great worrier-about-the-world and that's seemed sort of less relevant of late - I have existential thoughts on this which I might write about later. But tomorrow really is the first day of the rest of my life (I really hate that cliche, but it sort of fits here). I will suddenly know what the future holds, how hopeful or hopeless things are. I expect to go a bit more public with whatever I discover as I will be able to tell people with some certainty what's going to happen - at least in the short term.
I guess you have all been here or are heading here, the point where things flip from wondering (worrying/fretting/denying/etc) and start to get real. Up to now I've been mostly asymptomatic - been able to tell myself this is happening to someone else - tomorrow, not so much.
Fergus
Oh fergus how frustrating for you ! Did they say why it was cancelled? Are they still waiting for results ? I hope you do not have to wait much longer for the appointment.
In reference to your previous posts, I can help you to find where they are. If you click on your profile name it will take you to your profile page. There you will see a button which says more, click on that and a list of options will appear with activity at the top. Press that and all of your previous posts and comments will appear. You will have to keep scrolling down to update the posts.
Please let us know when you hear when this appointment will be. It is horrible to have this cancelled when you were so mentally prepared for it.
Hello All . Aww Fergus . I hope everything works out well for u my love. I’m sending love to one and all today . I’m being discharged from Barts. My cancers are everywhere I’ve had Aftanib it worked for the first 2 months even shrunk it but then I started to get dihorea then constipation then vomiting. I’ve lasted 9 months out of 6ish I was given. I’ve got new growth on my ovaries. I’m in because my unbearable pain. I’m now just dosing up on morphine as long as no pain I’m going home. I don’t want mri or cat scans anymore they just upset me. It’s impossible to get canulars in and I can’t have a pick line as sepsis risk too high
It’s best I don’t know and as they grow I just take more morphine and stay home gracefully.I’ve been off aftanib for a week my mouth ulcers have gone I’ve started to taste food again so that’s a big bonus . Anyone got any ideas of controlling constipation with a lot of morphine?peace out my loves May Allah (god)grace be with u all now and always.
Rehana I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you manage to get the pain under control and can get comfortable at home.
I’m sorry I cannot advise about the morphine side effects, have you spoken to your doctor about the constipation?
Can I suggest you also come and join the Living with incurable cancer forum - patients only where you can meet several people who are in a very similar situation to yourself. They are a very warm and welcoming group of people, and I know you will be made very welcome x
chellesimo and Ails Just to expand on that, I got an answerphone message about 5pm saying the consultant was ill. Not had a new appointment yet - sort of enjoying these extra days of 'the old life' 
.
Spoken to the admin staff who say an urgent (scary) appointment has been requested but they currently don;t know when that will be.
There was one irritating side effect: I'm involved in a local am dram production (just doing sound) and when I arrived last night I got a 'how are you today, Fergus?' and told them about the cancellation - kept it vague but still, felt I'd kinda dumped it on a bunch of mostly strangers who didn't need it.
