I’m not sure if I should be writing this here but I need to get my thoughts and sadness out in some way.
I have always been happy to read that treatment was working for people and it was uplifting to hear “success” stories but now we are on the other side of cancer it’s very very hard.
We’ve dealt with the ups and downs of treatment and side effects since my husband’s diagnosis last June and no one could have been more positive and upbeat and philosophical about an “inoperable and incurable “ diagnosis than him. He spent 8 months saying he felt like a fraud because he didn’t look ill and had minimal problems (his performance status was 0 at diagnosis). His chemotherapy and immunotherapy were never meant to cure him but to hopefully give us several more years together. In March his CT scan again showed a partial response which was great!
In June completely unexpectedly his routine three monthly scan showed the lung cancer had grown and progressed, the lymph node involvement had progressed and even worse the cancer had metastasised to his peritoneum and omentum.
There is no further treatment only palliative care now.The prognosis is very poor and because this is a rare type of metastasis with lung cancer there is very little information to be found.
I’m finding it so hard to be happy for others whose treatment is working, for those who have NED, are in remission or cured. I hate myself for feeling this way, I have even started to mute the adverts for cancer which show people getting good news. I’m sorry if people find this attitude selfish or mean, believe me I wish I could still feel happiness for successful treatment but I just can’t. We’ve never (up to know) said “Why me?” or “It’s not fair” but now those two phrases are constantly in my head. He’s feeling so ill and tired and there’s nothing I can do to make him better it just hurts me so much.
I know deep down I am happy for those whose treatment is helping and working but my heart is breaking a little more each day.
Sorry for this selfish rant.
Grasan I am so sorry to read about your husband, and I do not find your post selfish in any way.
This must be devastating for you, and I can honestly understand how you are feeling. I don’t know what support you are getting at home? Do you have a Macmillan centre or a Maggies near you? They are usually close to the hospitals. Or have you called the Macmillan support line on 0808 808 00 00 there is always a listening ear there for you. Sometimes just coming on here and having a good old rant will make you feel better too.
Sending you a very gentle hug xx
I am glad to hear you have a Macmillan nurse, they are worth their weight in gold.
I lost my mum to ovarian cancer which had spread to her peritoneum, so I do know some of what you are you going through. I know I was so angry, but I didn’t know what or who with. It is hard to get over that feeling when there is no where to place the blame. Xx
