Recently diagnosed

Tom;
I've an emergency numnber, for if I run a temp/get an infection, plus I've contact details for the cancer specialist nurse, who's my 'key worker' (I think the phrase is). to be honest, outside turning up for chemo, I've not had any contact with them, really. - I've taken some senna last night, again, and hopefully that'll  ease that issue, somewhat. to be honest, my diet is so crap right now; but I haven't the energy to do any real cooking, like I'd nortmally do; plus my concentration and brain fog/chemobrain, makes concentrating and cooking, safely, whilst my fingers are stil dodgy, somewhat dangerous, if not just stressful and tiring to do...

Phhil; that GP sounds like he could do  with a few lessons in interacting with patients... or, actually just social interactions with people in general. - my GP was no where near as blunt (despite knowing I'm a very down to earth person who wants teh real information/news), when he did my initial physical examination on my armpit lump; he basically said what I already knew, - almost certainly just a swollen lyph node, but, we should get it checked out to make sure... - which was basically my thoughts on the matter, having given the lump sufficient  time, really, already, to have  vanished of its own accord, were it of the less serious, more post-infection related variety. - Mind, I think I was still rather hoping at that point, that it was something more like my useual 'lump under the armpit' fare,; I always tended to be prone to boils, but, I could tell, and probably knew in my heart, that this was not a boil; the feel was just so wrong... - quite how I'll ever show my gratifute to my Fiance, for making me go to the GP; I'd so just be ignoring it, even now, were I left to my own stupid devices...


Tom; you young thing! - at least you've got/getting the cancer thing out of the way whilst your young!- I've a feeling I'd cope a bit better, right now, were I ten years or so younger! damnit! - having said which; asides this slight bump in the road, I have to say my thirty's are/were turning out even better than my twentys.... - all hope is not lost!
and; snap, with the tiredness; I've a always been a rubbish sleeper, and suffered from insomnia, really, seemed to get worse, first cycle; now I've finished teh second; and, what, its a week since  my 3B infusion; this fatigue!- definatly adding up for me, as I move inextricibly towards the end of this little detour in my life... - mind, once I've summoned up the energy, and will-power to actually force myself out of bed, I useually find I can regain something of a functional level of wakefulness, even if its a lot further down than I'm used too...

Off out this afternoon for a little bit of shopping, then nothing much planned for the day...
Hope everyone else is feeling a bit brighter (there is sunshine outside again!!!!!) - I think i had a half-decent sleep last night; energy seems to be up again, to where it was a few days ago, so hoping that will continue to improve, over the next week; then its PET scan Thursday, and the one-day late chemo on the Friday coming (had to giggle the chemo about to fit in with the PET, in waht must be a short busy week for the hospital, due to the Easster weekend)

Back from chemo, whoop half way there. The good news is I am getting a PET scan in two weeks to reassure me, I still have a little question mark about the diagnosis and, though my consultant is confident that it is right he said I could have a scan to reassure me (they don't do this routinely at Sheffield). He also okayed a holiday in August so will book that if my scan results are positive in a few weeks.

We had a lovely walk in Baslow as we came back across the tops today, fresh air and sunshine is the best medicine for me, I always feel better after a walk.

neuts were 0.6 today so meeting my sis at the cottage at 3pm tomorrow rather than having a day in Skeggy, it in a lovely countryside location so will be nice to have a few hours with the family there. Hoping my neuts play nicely for my night away next week, although we've booked an apartment so can cook in if needed!

Everyone sounds good, Mark, All Bran is my breakfast of necessity rather than choice at the minute, this along with many oranges, tomatoes and veg seems to keep the constipation at bay.i am actually craving oranges, I wonder if my body is telling me what it needs I eat at least three of the huge ones every day.

Urge yuck mouth Tom, HELP it's disgusting, the good thing is I go off chocolate and biscuits for a few days so not putting any weight on overall.

Phil, I am feeling much more positive today than yesterday, like you I think the whole half way thing is a mood booster. That and the fact I got the scan I wanted and the holiday go ahead! Good to hear that you are less breathless, any news on that blue badge?

Moomy, is your daughter's throat any better and are you fully recovered from the flu?

Johnr, you may not realise it but your comments made me think about the mid point scan so thanks for helping me to push for it, however inadvertently.

Have a lovely Easter weekend all

Love Jakki xx

Hello everyone! You all seem to be getting there to halfway or whatever, extremely well, I'm proud of you all!  ( bit like a mother hen, me, lol! ) 

It's  so good to get some calm and sun, always improves the mood for all. Those days of wind and rain have left the garden weedy, so some of this morning was spent tackling that. Thank goodness for a touch of returning energy! The flu has weakened me so it's been tough getting back to normal, but I'm nearly there now. 

Daughter had a prescription this time for Doxycycline, which seems to have begun to help. She is playing tonight, so will see how things are after that. I suspect she will have to re-learn a way of playing using breathing in through nose where possible, when she doesn't need that air entry incredibly fast.....  that way the air intake will be filtered a bit. I guess a completely new immune system has tried to learn how a trombone is played, and so far, failed! I now have a contact for the ENT consultant they are referring her to, so hubs and I will see if we can negotiate speeding this up by paying a bit.....

keep on as you all are, don't ignore constipation, Mark, as Phil says it can get nasty very fast. Jakki, a walk in this weather has to be lovely, and Baslow is, I bet that was gorgeous! Nath, you are almost there, have you a scan date yet? Tom, I hope you are coping with little hair now....Sarah, hope that indigestion can be sorted quickly.....

hugs xxx

today's yet another day passing by seemingly very fast; I guess I'm going to have to get used to this tiredness thing a bit more; still going to bed late, as I am wo, and then, waking up so late, lik 10 or later, by teh time I muster the energy to get out of bed; its like I'm two hours behind every day!

Oh; seems in some regards my lymphoma has been timed well; just that weather out today!- spring is in the air... the winds finally died down, and with the sun out... everything is brighter and sunnier inside me, just as it is outside... loverly, even if just a short walk today, to the bank (putting money in!- yea for quitting smoking- gona blow so much of the cash I've saved, at the end of this little adventure, on a holiday for me and my fiance, and a few other little breaks, prob just for myself away).

the senna last night helped. not vastly so... but an improvement. and I got some smoothys today; I'm such a rubbish fruit eater- Ive grapes in, I like them, but I'm hopeless at actually getting round to eating any other fruit, and not a fan of any of the things like oranges, etc, I find they don't agree with me well, at the best of times, and I cna't imagine that has improved now... bad me I know...  I doubt I've ever managed the five-a-day thing, to be honest; used to be better with veg mind, but not cooking as such now, so mainly living off salad and things, asides meats and carbs etc.

Fiance is under the weather... so sadly had to be ... somewhat withdrawn from him today, to try avoid an infection myself; damn that felt horrible, not being able to have the ability/strength, to be looking after him, whilst he's under the weather...

another appointment for me tonight, with my bath, and a rediculus amount of Lush bath things, another bomb (I've got quite a selection here now), plus the bath melt, and... coconut oil/body butter after... and, if my fingers can muster the agility, I'm gona try my best to get the gorgeous jade necklace/pendant, which arrived from my Swedish friend, on, I've a feeling she's spent a fortune on it, its handmade.... Mind, I guess I shouldn't moan about her spoiling me, and, I'll try on the other, things she sent me, in her so-called 'little Easter care pack', which arrived a couple days back.

going to ignore bits of housework today, for a change, I doubt much is occuring here over the weekend, so it'll give me something to occupy myself then, assuming my levels of energy are now running a bit higher like this, as its the second week since last chemo now- feeling optamistic my PET a week today, may be... revealing of a good response in my system, if not indeed, a virtually clear one, given the feedback the consultant gave me last time. - I'm trying to tell myself I'm 1/3 the way through, and then, if the PET is good, and they shift it, so I'm now half the way through, it'll be a huge bonus; and avoid a massive let down, if the scan is less than ... one might want it  to be.. - I'm a realist really, so... part of me knows it could just as easily show something less than one might hope...

Mind... if the PET is good, depending on schedule for radiation post chemo, I might just go ahead and find me some flights to Sweden, for August.... that trip is one sustaining thing in my mind throughout this so far... something to aim for, I guess, that isn't just 'getting through the next chemo, etc...

Hope everyone else is having a good day, an managing to keep spirits up. I'm so determined to stop myself getting low now, it was so selfish of me, and I'm kicking myself, for letting it affect my fiance so much...

mark/2legs

Hey, Mark, please don't beat yourself up for feeling low, you are going through nasty treatment for a type of cancer, it does affect you! 

Hope your fiancé feels better soon...

hugs xxx

but; moomy; I'm so good at beating myself up, emotionally!

- actually... just part of me trying to level out my emotional stuff a bit... - half the problem is, as strange as it sounds, I just  feel, so close to 'normal', half the time, which is good of course, I'm lucky (so far) in avoiding too much side affects really, I'm just so used to being strong, emotionally (more than physically in some ways); and at the moment, that seems to have switched about somewhat, and I'm more struggling with my emotions than I have ever, before, whilst seemingly coping OK physically, in most regards. --

the whole lymphoma thing for me, and cancer in its broadest sense, threw up a lot from my past; since starting chemo, I've cried for my Mother's death, from breast cancer, for the first time (she died when I was 13 - 14). - As odd it may sound; my getting lymphoma, and having chemo; its made me realise some of what she may have felt, undergoing chemo and radiation (I think she had surgery too mind); and, oh. oddly, in some regards Im thankful for having this new empathy even if it symultainiously makes me sad, and, oddly, annoyed, for my not having it, back then when she was ill.

Combined with which, my older Brother who I never knew, who died when I was a baby/child, died from leukemia, so I've had all that in my mind too; and trying to remind myself, also, when I'm talking to my Dad, my treatment, must be stirring memorys, from that, in him, etc.  - and in me, almost a feeling somethimes of how unfair, that I went and got the good  cancer, whilst Shaun, my older Brother ended up with leukemia. etc. 

hmm. yeh. my minds a bit of a quagmire right now! - but. I'm coping. and. ... I think just about, more than coping.

hmm. sorry, bit of a download there! oops! - mentally I've a feeling I'm going to come out of lymphoma a stronger person than I went in. which can only be a good thing. Combined with the way, in a strange respect, its bought me and my fiance, even closer, I can see a heck of a lot of positivity; and I've only this little annoyance to deal with a few months, to reep those benifits.

mark/2legs. 

Hey Mark, no regrets, we've all had our moments, I sobbed like a baby when I got home from having my PICC line fitted! Think sometimes it's probably good to have a little release.

xxxxx

Just read your second post lovely, you are grieving for your mum as well as trying to get through your own difficult journey. Not sure any 13/14 year old would be able to have empathy in that situation. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, have you considered talking to a councillor at all?

sending hugs

Jakki xx

Jacki;

yes; I've considered counsiling; and talked to my fiance about it too; at the moment, its a definate posssibility; but I think its goign to be best, probably at teh end; I already know one thing I'll do then, almost for certain; I'll get even more emotionally complicated, when I get the feelings assocaited with having survived. ; along the lines of 'why did I survive', when my mother/brother didn't... etc; I can see that coming so clearly already! - but, that's a future thing, adn for now, I think I'll just carry on dealing with the chemo itself, and the rest of it; then think about the therapy/counsiling thing after, perhaps, depending how I do cope,a nd how it turns ou; oh; agreed; absolutely nothing wrong with the emotions, the crying, and Iv'e done plenty of that now; just a pity, in some ways, a lot of the crying I've been doing now, since starting chemo, is that which I could, should ahve done, at points ealrier in the last twenty years or so, since my Mothers death. - as I say, I feel lucky now, to have had the oppertunity to greeve properly, for my Mother, - just a pity I guess, it took me getting lymphoma, to be able to do so, or, perhaps, more accurately; being forced to do so.... - stupid male not crying;/emotion stuff, I guess, until the lymphoma came along, and gave me the oppertunity to discover all this, inside myself. - as I said, the 'me' post lymphoma, is going to be a better 'me' than the pre-lyphoma me. of that I want to make sure....