New Person - Found out dad has months to live

I am no doctor but it sounds like the problem is caused by not having chemo before. Is there any reason he didnt have it.

Hi K89 so sorry to hear about your dad. Knowing he is dying is hard enough but must be so much worse after he’s undergone such horrid treatment which in the end was a false hope. 
There is a carers group you can join where you might find some comfort 

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/carers-only-forum

There are members here who have nursed their parents at the end. I’m sure they will pop on soon. I’ll tag  LindaWT and hopefully she can add some support

I would say though, please look after yourself and I hope you all have some time together 

There have been some remarkable results with immunotherapy so I hope he gets a chance 

Best wishes

Unknown said:

I am no doctor but it sounds like the problem is caused by not having chemo before. Is there any reason he didnt have it.

I doubt it. I didn’t have chemo and I’m still here. Some cancers spread early in their natural history and are already elsewhere when the primary is discovered, remaining small and undetected for some time. Chemo as you know simply potentiates the RT. 
it’s just bad luck 

Hi K89, I'm sorry I can't offer you any helpful  advice. All I can say is how sorry I am to read about your Dad, show him as a family how much you love him, which I'm sure he knows, and cherish the time with him. You will be in my thoughts.

Regards Ray.

Hello K89. 

I am so sorry to hear the pain you and your family are going through right now.

I have nursed my mother through cancer and more recently my uncle.  It is going to be tough and you need to look after yourself as much as your father.  If your sister and others in the family can share the burden then so much the better.

Start now to understand what health and care options you have available where you live.  The local branch of Macmillan is a good place to start, as is your local hospice.  There may be other local charities.  If you can make contacts, and even plans, before you need to them, life will be so much easier when you need to put things into place. 

If your father has Lasting Powers of Attorney in place things will be much easier for you (and others) if you are the Attorneys.  If not consider getting them put into place now.  It takes some time but things are so much easier later on.  You DO NOT need a solicitor to do this.  The Government website is incredibly helpful and guides you through drafting the documents, submitting them and payment.

In the short term get your father to write letters to the hospital, GPs, banks etc authorising you to act on his behalf.  That will give you some cover.

Maybe go and see your GP now and explain the situation you find yourself in.  If the GP is forewarned they could put things in place that will help you and may add additional guidance for your father.

The really difficult bit is sitting down with your father and asking what he wants.  Remember this is his life and you must do all that you can to support him and his decisions.  There will be times when you have to make decisions for him so if you have that difficult conversation now you will know that you are doing your best to respect his wishes.  That will give you comfort later on.

These are all practical things, and I am happy to give further advice based on my personal experiences.  Just private message me if easier.

However, the most important thing right now is to give him a hug and tell him that you are there for him.

Hi Peter,

Thank you so much for this advice. I don't even know where to start with it all, but I will begin by contacting local Macmillan. 

Thank you Ray. We are going to Wales for a week on Saturday. I'm sure we will make many memories. 

Hi K89

I'm so very sorry to read of your dad's prognosis.

My father in law Neri, who was an extremely fit and healthy 93, went through a similar operation but died before he was able to start any other treatments.  When he was discharged from hospital he came to live with us as he was unable to care for himself and he stayed with us until he died which was what he wanted.

Like you, we had no idea where to start or what to do but Peter has given you lots of really useful information.

We found the GP surgery helpful for organising District Nurses and Occupational Health to provide aids in the house.

I would also recommend getting a contact number (if you don't already have one) for the Clinical Nurses in the hospital team.  I found myself on the phone to them almost every day for advice and reassurance when Neri's health seriously declined.

Please don't hesitate to contact the forum or message privately if you prefer.

Have a fabulous week in Wales and take care of yourselves as well as your dad.

Linda x

Hi K89. So sorry about your Dad. I'm in a similar situation myself. I joined this group with the hope that I would understand and learn from people's experiences whats instore for my Husband and how others coped with treatment but alas my husband was told that his throat cancer was inoperable.  He is very underweight  and the tumor is very large. He is not healthy enough for treatment.  Its made worse as I'm not allowed to visit him due to covid rules. It's just heartbreaking.  Wished I could give you some useful advice. I know you will treasure  every moment as I do . Take care and look after yourself too.

Hi K89 sorry to hear your sad news. Everyone else has given great advise. Just remember your sister will want to help you take any offers you can it’s a hard journey. I have done it with both my mum and dad different cancers but it’s hard to do. My family were brilliant with my cancer diagnosis.
hugs 

Hazel