Advice pleasz

Hi Cazza2190

So sorry to hear what you and your partner are going through. Short fuses are par for the course I'm afraid. Unless you are related to a saint. My poor husband went through it with me too. When you are in pain and everything seems out of control it is hard to hold it together. The radiotherapy is really hard and it seems never ending and you can be in a lot of pain. Your life has been turned upside down and you feel it will never be the same again. You have been perfectly healthy and then wham you are in the middle of a life you don't want to be part of. Everything seems out of control. My poor daughter went through it too as I snapped at her because she kept on asking me if I was alright when I was feeling really low with dehydration. Of course I wasn't alright but there was nothing she could do about it and felt helpless.

I'm afraid patience is the key at this time. You could have a discussion with your partner and explain to him how his behaviour is affecting you too.You need to look after yourself too as you are an integral part of this and your support will really help. Make some time for yourself to get away from things for a short while. Go out for a coffee or take a walk. Look after your own mental health.

Maybe your partner needs to get advice and up his pain relief as constant pain can be debilitating. I also found once my pain was more under control that talking helped. Just expressing my feelings made a difference. My poor G.P. came in at that point and she was great. She did advise counseling but I found after I had a lengthy discussion with her and with my surgeon that I felt understood and more in control so did not go down that path. However I would advise counseling as it can make a real difference.

I also found being on this forum made a huge difference. Being in the same space with others who had experienced something similar with no judgement and lots of words of encouragement was so helpful.

This does pass and things definitely get better. It is now a year since my last op and I am feeling great and enjoying my life again. You and your partner will too although it may not seem like it at the moment.

Sending my very best wishes

Lyn

Hi lyn 

Thankyou so much makes a lot of sence.   I have spoke to him he says he dont mean it and hes awaiting counciling.   Velindra did gget his pain under control but that seems to have stopped.  Hes on a nasal feeding tube and cant eat through mouth, and the feed making him have stomach pain and sickness.   I 100 percent here for him and bite my tounge alot.    Im with him 24/7 at present he does not want to be left alone.      Ur reply means a lot and im so happy ur now loving life xxx

Oh Cazza2190 

He's frightened to death, everything is diminishing him and he’s lost control of what’s happening to him. 
Lyn is spot on. Try to sit him down and say that if course there’s no way you can understand how he feels but you love him and are trying to support him the best way you know. You can’t do more. Have you somebody who can give you a few hours respite a couple of times a week so you can get out with a friend for coffee or even a film or something. 
It’s just as hard  for  you but in a different way. 
Is there a Maggies near you? They will be happy to see you and chat about it. It’s not just for the patients. 
Hugs 

Hi. I’m not proud to say this but I didn’t treat my hubby ( who  did everything for me drive cooked washed shopped looked after me) during treatment and recovery not very nice at times. It’s a testing time for both of you. Fear of the unknown fear of what’s to come ,what’s already happened and how will both if you cope. So no you're not alone. We had words and in overv40 years we don’t argue never have done If you read my blog around about October 2018;after my treatment John my hubby wrote a small piece about how he was also living in fear of what I had gone through and fear of what was going to happen. We had both returned he had onky had a years retirement before my diagnosis. 
one incident I remember I was in my 18 th radiotherapy session and he put his arms round me and said you're half way through and I screamed great another 18 days of torture being poisoned and burnt in my mouth I can’t wait !He was trying to be supportive . Am afraid apart from being there there’s not a lot yiubcan really do. We didn’t hold any grudges I finished treatment and we got on with it. But ine small,change we made was we have each other breathing space at least a few times a week he went to a dear neighbours for a cuppa and a chat. We ere live gbz24/7 in each others pockets  hospital appointments daily round trips to radiotherapy. Etc. 
Maybe just give each other an hour apart might help. 
rant in here not at him we understand. We never judge 

hugs Hazel x

It's hard for both of you. Please be patient as your husband is going through hell. 

I split up with my partner 4 weeks after treatment - he couldn't cope with my ’negativity’ and asked who was looking after him. 

This was a massive blow to my recovery as I had lost my job on top of having chemo and radiotherapy. 

Although I empathise with him, he had half the week away as my sisters came to look after me 3 days a week and every other weekend.

So, if you feel you can't cope take a break - your husband can't help you whilst he's trying to get through this awful time, it's all consuming and like nothing you can imagine until you've been there. 
 
I used the free 6 sessions of counselling that Macmillan offer and this was very helpful for me, I would recommend it. 

There is also a carers forum which might help you to share your experience. I suggested it to my partner but he didn't get involved. I think it would have helped us. 

Good luck to you both. 
Rachel 

Hi Cazza

Fully understand where you are coming from....Chemoradio treatment is very hard on patients...and carers....my wife was an angel putting up with my frustration, pain and mood changes, I found it very difficult to talk due to throat and mouth ulcers which annoyed me greatly....

I made sure my wife had her own go-to happy spaces with  family and friends...and plenty of Cava/Prosecco for the weekends.

Not easy but things will improve.

Take care

Peter

Thankyou, we have been to maggies once already but he wasnt comfy there.    No one to take over for few hrs but ur reply made a lot of sence which makes me look at it different tjankyou for that x

Thankyou hazel, it is the not knowing i think  but also breathing space is good idea x

1. Thankyou rachel, im so sorry about ur situation  with ur husband xx

Thankyou peter same as my hhusband unable to eat, talk well and horrendous moutb uclers, hes on nasal feed pump 10 hrs a day as he cannot eat via mouth.   Driving him insane to be honest x