Mum dying. How near the end is she?

Hi Diane welcome to the forum.and I am so sorry to hear about what's Bern happening for you and your family. It is one of the most difficult things to answer about how long does someone have? How long is a piece of string? It could be short or it could be long but your mum has said she wants quality rather than quantity so why not try making some happy memories as she is able? You will know her best as to what kinds of things she may like to do when she feels well. It's not an easy time for any of you but maybe focus on making whatever time is left happy and memorable for both of you. Best wishes and some huge big hugs.gail x

Hi Gail. Thank you for your kind words. Yes I am trying to make each day count. We do as much as we can together…from a short shopping trip when she’s feeling ‘well’ to just watching a film together when she isn’t. I guess I have no choice but to take one day at a time. I never realised how hard it would be though. I love her so much. X

Hi Diane 

I was in a similar situation to you last year with my Dad .He had an unknown primary cancer with several secondary cancers .We didn’t have a time scale , we were just told it was life limiting .
We noticed over the seven short weeks from his diagnosis that he gradually slowed down and began sleeping more .When he couldn’t climb the stairs we arranged for him to have a hospital bed downstairs and the day he took to it during the day indicated to us that we were coming to the end .We stayed in close contact with his GP and the DN’s We were given appropriate pain relief for any break through pain and I’m happy to say we managed to keep him pain free throughout .The end for him was pain free and peaceful despite the multiple cancers .He eventually passed peacefully in his sleep .Whilst we sat with him listening to his favourite music .I can honestly say it was a profoundly beautiful way for him to go .

I think you just know when there are changes  .A week before he passed Dad was losing weight on a daily basis and had lost interest in eating and drinking .His body just didn’t need it .You will notice these gradual changes in your Mum too .

I think my advice would be not to worry about how long you have left or how the end may be .Just enjoy the time you have left .We just took it one day at a time and took advice and guidance from his GP when a change occurred .

Sending love and hugs at this very difficult time 

J x

J…thank you so much. Yes I think know what the very last week will be like, as I went through it with my own dad. The body shutting down and not needing food etc. - my mum is definitely not at that stage yet, thank goodness. But dad didn’t die of cancer so this is a whole new experience for me.  It’s comforting to have contact with people who understand my situation. X

Hello Diane 

It's so difficult for anyone to watch someone they love die and it's only natural you want to know " what the end will be like" because you want to prepare.

But as a retired nurse I have seen many people die and there is no one way.You can look online and see what the last 24/48 hrs can hold but I think what you may be asking is will it be peaceful? 

This is something that a hospice might be able to help you with.Have you or any of your mothers palliative team talked about referral to hospice.I would ask about this because it sounds like you're on your own with your mum and needs support.

I wish you well and send my thoughts to your mum.

X

Thank you so much for replying. No I haven’t talked to anyone really. We don’t have a palliative care team.  Up till now I have been basically dealing with mum myself (with the help of my sister). But I am the eldest and have always been the responsible one and I do feel that the family is now looking to me for solutions. That’s why I joined this group…to ask others and get some support. X

Hi Diane. I feel I am in a similar situation with my mum, she is 77 and has said the same as your mum, quality over quantity. She has only recently been diagnosed and had a stent put in, she is still in the hospital but they don't seem concerned with how little she is eating. I feel if I could build her up a little her quality of life would be better and it may help with quantity. I am so worried about time and hate not knowing how long

Please feel free to reach out if you need to talk 

Take care x

Hi Lisa.  I’m so sorry to hear your mum is in the same boat as mine.  It’s such an awful disease.  My mum had an emergency scan on Friday and they discovered her stent had dislodged and fallen into stomach.  She had another stent fitted today so I’m hoping it will help her keep food down. . If you Google life expectancy it sadly says that the average time is 5 months after a stent is fitted.  Sorry if that is upsetting for you (and obviously it is only an average…many live longer). Now I’m thinking, my mum had her first stent 2 months ago so is that another 3 months left or will it be 5 months from today?  The thought of her dying breaks my heart but the thought of her suffering is also unbearable.  X

Hi Diane. I hope the new stent allows your mum to have some food and keep it down. Unfortunately I have already lost my dad and sister to cancer therefore my mind has already gone to the worst possible scenario and that life expectancy may not be that long, I would just like to have the full picture to ensure that I can support her properly. Praying and hoping that both our mums get as long as possible x