sorry to rant, cry, vent, especially at this time of the morning, so after my breast cancer oncologist dismissing my weight loss issues down to radiotherapy for my breast cancer, and it turned out to be oesophagus cancer, (cost me 4 months before a camera, thank god for my gp and the surgeon at another hospital who did the op) ive had some symptons, called my new upper gi nurses expressing some concerns, one of them being i was told by my previous oncologist, no longer at the hospital, that i would have 3 monthly scans, last one being july this year, hence being back under the original oncologist. within 24 hours i had 3 missed calls, which i stupidly missed being out buying some small presents that this time last year christmas was cancelled, asking me to call back urgently to make an appointment for a ct scan!!.
this was on the day that we actually went into a travel agent to discuss a big holiday, so now i have gone into panic mode, im angry at my husband for not questioning why i didnt have a scan in october, but again from previous posts, you will know that if i wasnt coping he couldnt. ive booked stuff for 2026, stuff that this time last year i was scared the house would be up for sale and we would go our seperate ways, i was being bottle fed, before the op in jan this year. spent xmas day on my knees upstairs crying while he was eating a xmas meal for one.
so i have gone straight back into that horrible dark hole, angry and upset at myself, husband, bucks oncologist's, all the what if's, why did i accept being looked after by this person that could have listened to my concerns back in march 2023. sorry to vent, i cant sleep, can hardly see from all the crying, husband has gone into flight mode, when all i wanted was a hug, feel stupid for making plans, xmas day, new years eve, even some camping july next year.
why did i put myself back under the same oncologist,why didnt i have more confidence to say no, what do i do now, its obvious that they know i should have had a scan in october, they take notes at every appointment, how do i get a copy of those notes which will cleary show from my original oncologist 3 monthly scans, which i did query as the reason for the big op was not too have the anxiety if declining surgery, being monitored 3 monthly. with scans.
sorry to reach out, i am so worried, i genuinely thought that it couldnt be worse than this time last year, seems i was wrong and i cant hold it together just now, if i play nice, i will get the support from my husband. if i struggle, its a different story, no kids, no family,
and i have now got to wait until monday to call them back, pretty sure i will be having a scan next week, is it because they have messed up or they think something is back, or both.
i just feel so stupid for not standing up for myself, but some days i just want the cancer button turned down. so kettle has just boiled, will make a cuppa and take a breath
thank you for reading, what crap timing, was i wrong to have called them, should i have left it to the new year, and then in my head the "early detection" sentence is playing
sorry jules x
You rant as much as you like Jules …… no need to say sorry we are always listening. I’m so sorry you have to wait and worry again ….. it’s just horrible. Can you meet up with friends to try and distract you a bit? The worries always surface in the early hours and they just grow while your mind goes round in circles. It’s likely they’ve realised you should have been scanned and are trying to get it rushed through to catch up but no point in telling you not to worry because it’s a natural reaction. Can your GP offer any support for the anxiety? Wish I could be of more practical help but just know that we understand your feelings and are here for you whenever you need to offload.
Sending love.
Geraldine 
x
Well done Jules … you’ve got this 
