afternoon gang, so after my esophagectomy back on 8th jan, and still recovering, getting used to food, dumpong syndrome, trying to put weight on and doing it all gluten free as im coeliac, now on immunotherapy once a month for 12 months.
but i still feel myself just getting so low, and just not myself a day or two before either review appointment, the immunotherapy, now back at my local hospital, and will shortly have my first scan then every 3 months. sometimes im overwhelmed when going back to where all the breast cancer stuff was diagnosed, overwhelmed being back in the cancer/chemo ward in stoke, again where i thought i would never be back. they now have a bell that got rang last time, nearly sent me over the edge,
i try explaining to my husband or friends, but its almost like youve had the op, whats wrong. i was still in the cancer treatment ward yesterday receiving treatment! so for me its not done and dusted yet. i have been told and read about scanxiety, but i cant explain it. i got told monday night, well you was alright last few days, well that was i was keeping busy/distracted. i cant be high fiving all of the time, i look awful,my weight is low, my chest is a mess from last masectomy and recent scars, yet some days i dont care.
any one else relate to this?
thank you for reading
jules
thank you anthony, so lovely when some one gets it, met up with some new cancer friends i met in the radiotherapy waiting room , he was going through throat cancer. him and his wife said the same, can tell when he has an appointment due as more stressed, stroppy, snappy,
the weight thing does get you down, i could hide away in winter, and cover up, even with masectomy i still kept my 8 stone so not to wierd a shape even if lop sided, but the other day getting out of the shower, did lose it a bit and had a proper sob.
husband has always said it doesnt matter to him, but does to me sometimes when like you say, 2 steps forward and then 2 back. then i feel awful when i read about the people we knew on here and lost, and those left behind .
strangely when i asked if the couple we met have taken any photos/new memories, apart from scars or skin damage, like me they have taken none. took some comfort its just not me.
still didnt high five when breast unit at wycombe said all clear, and even when bruno the surgeon saw me weeks after the op with the results, all cut out, nodes clear, hence immunotherapy, which is still putting me on my ass a bit, still havent really "celebrated" as it just doesnt feel right.
im sure the old julie may be in there somewhere but christ right now she is buried quite deep, maybe the car show season kicking off and getting the american car out like we have done for years, may help, but have seen peoples faces recently that hadnt seen me for months, shocked would be the word i would describe their reaction. this body isnt ready to scare at a spa day or break away for sure!!
and thank you for replying, you were always a massive honest help when i was lost,
not at all, and like i finally got it, its a massive op, and for your mind to deal with it, even when the scars have healed, it something else. also like you say, always in the back of my mind, when had awful experience being out one day, stomach was like a washing machine, there is that fear of that going wrong. like anthony said, we booked a lovely restaurant which was our go to, massive numerous stations of all types, nationalities of food which i thought thats brilliant, no it wasnt , got too overwhelmed, felt awfull and looked so skinny, pretty much sat with silent tears down my face, hiding it from the lovely husband and waiters.
exactly was what anthony said was way too soon, so all this stiff upper lip and cracking on, can do one, dont feel pressured, had some friends say, come on lets get some meat on you, have this, have that, want some chips, want some pudding, jesus christ, stomach is now size of an orange i was told, and you dont want to be away from home when it decides it doesnt like what you have just eaten!!
did see the op on telly, christ, it is a biggy, your internals are still healing for months, so its alright to have a down day or 20
, and i felt so lucky that people like anthony and cool blue gave honest real advice how hard it was once i got out of hospital.
xx jules
