The nurse called on Wed to tell me they’re swapping the bendamustine and rituximab days around. She said the benda is pretty well tolerated, so they’ll do that on day one. And the ritux has the potential for a lot of side effects, so they’ll do that on day two.
After I talked to her, I really dug into the side effects. Cue the meltdown. 98. 98. NINETY EIGHT side effects for ritux. Fifty three are common. Twenty six are less common. And the rest are uncategorized. Fear. Panic. So many emotions and none of them were helpful. I didn’t have the heart or energy to look up benda side effects.
So, over the last two days, I’ve had a lot of conversations with the dr, nurses, and others. I’ve been reassured that EVERY side effect ever experienced needs to be reported, even if there is only one instance. And some people may be experiencing/reporting side effects that are not even related to the ritux…just coincidental timing. So I’ve stepped back off the ledge and am trying to re-direct my negative, fearful energy and change my attitude. I’m going to go through with the treatment and we’ll deal with side effects when or IF they happen.
What a rollercoaster. And I haven’t even started treatment yet! Once I get the first month out of the way, then I’ll know exactly what to expect and can quit letting all the worst case scenarios spook me.
Hi SeVen it can be so easy to go down the side effects rabbit trail...... the trail is full of traps than can get you snared in the negative 'what if's?'........ but on the other side of the scales are the very many more positive 'what if?'........ the actual point of going into this is for a positive outcome - whatever it takes.
If you look at the information we get with most medications you will see the many many 'what if's?' that could put you off having the meds..... but in life we can easily focus on the negatives to the detriment of seeing the good.
As I said before, I had over 700hrs of Ritux during my 6 cycles of R-EPOCH and had no real problems. I do have a number of life long allergies, for one a I can't have penicillin, so we had to mitigate these allergies with my having high doses of antihistamines during treatments but this was great as I had some wonderful sleeps as the drugs were going in - there is always a silver lining to be found.
Gosh, why did I gravitate and fixate on the bad? I do so appreciate your abundance of patience in responding to each and every scared individual whose resolve goes off the rails. Yes, I’ve read all the positive experiences. Yet I let myself get mired down in a dark place. I’ve dug myself out of that hole yet again. Thank you, Mike, for always holding the candle and constantly lighting the way for so many of us that veer off the path of positivity. 
John, Thank you for that pearl of wisdom. I WILL be a positive stat! I am merely evicting an unwelcome guest and it needs to be done. Worry is such an unhealthy, useless emotion. The crazy thing is that I know that.
Love your pupper in your avatar! 
