Cin1

Hi Sammyb and welcome to our group.

You're right in thinking that this is a good result you’ve had, as there is no cancer identified in your tests. I’m not sure why you would be avoiding intimacy with your partner-is it because of having the hpv virus or something else? 

Sarah xx

Hi

Yes it's because I have the virus I feel dirty and I'm scared of passing it in. I believe I have had it for a long time and it's only showing up on my results now. 

I’m sorry you feel like that, but I can understand it as a lot of people feel the same. It’s a real shame, because the virus is so common and the majority of people who have ever had sexual contact will have encountered the virus in their lifetime. Most people never have any issues with it and it doesn’t cause any problems, but for some of us it causes cell changes which then need to be dealt with.

While there isn’t a cure for hpv, it can go dormant in your system if your immune system keeps it that way. There no way for any of us to know how long we’ve had the virus or where we got it from, and people will not know they have it at all unless it’s identified for example by cervical screening. 

Although my cervical cancer was caused by hpv, I didn’t give up on intimacy but I have had many discussions with my partner about it. I’m married and in a long term relationship and my partner assumes that they also carry the virus, but it’s not something either of us lose sleep over! I appreciate it might be difficult in a new relationship to have conversations like this, but are you thinking that having any kind of sexual relationship with anyone ever will now be out of the question? 

Sarah xx

I just feel because I know I have it now I should say something then it's up to him if he wants to walk away. Though I don't know how to approach it. He's a really nice guy but I feel like ending it because I just can't start the conversation and don't think it would be fair on him. 

It’s a very personal decision whether to disclose you have hpv or not, and it’s one only you can make. He may be a carrier of the virus himself already, but not know-that’s the thing. Men can carry it but never be aware as they don’t get tested so unless they got symptoms which indicated an issue (the virus can cause cancers other than cervical cancer) they are unlikely to ever know, and for most people their immune system is strong enough to keep it from causing problems.

It would be a real pity for you to simply end the relationship without telling him why, so I hope you might be able to have a discussion about it. Some men, and women too, don’t know about the virus, how it works and what it means, and it’s sad that there is still a feeling of stigma about it. I never like to see anyone in this group thinking of themselves as dirty as it’s not anyone’s fault, and no-one is to blame. Would you feel guilty about carrying any other kind of virus in your system like chickenpox? It’s just because the association with sex and hpv can make people uncomfortable. But if everyone who carried hpv stopped having sex, there would be no more babies! 

Sarah xx

Hi Sammyb, 

I didn’t want to read and not respond, as I was in a similar position to you. I had only been on a handful of dates with my partner when my medical journey started in October last year. I was diagnosed with stage 1 cervical cancer in January and had an open and honest conversation with him, also giving him an option to walk away as it was a lot to take on, and didn’t feel anyone else deserved to be dragged in to it all. It was a very emotional conversation for many reasons, but he basically told me not to be silly and that he wasn’t going anywhere. He stuck by me all through my treatment and was very respectful and patient with me. I kept our relationship at arms length for the months I had treatment, but we are now officially together and planning our future with one another.

I think now, more than ever, will be a great opportunity to share what’s going on with your new partner, and how they deal with it will show you wether this person is going to be there when it matters the most. 
Given your circumstances, I feel you are putting more pressure and worry on yourself than is needed. I hope my story helps in some way, and that you work out a way that makes you feel more at ease. 

Sara