So ashamed….

Hi Kitkat33 and welcome to our group.

I’m really sorry to read how you feel and your words around the shame and guilt you feel. Many women don’t attend screening for various reasons-fear, a previous bad experience, all sorts of reasons and so you’re not alone in that. But I think you should try to stop blaming yourself and beating yourself up about something you cannot change. Also, people can be diagnosed with abnormal cells or even cervical cancer when they are completely up to date with their cervical screening tests, so it happens.

I’d like to try and unpick some of the things you’ve mentioned and see if you can start to feel a little better about this if I can. First of all, focus on what you now right now without your negative thoughts rushing ahead of themselves.

The hpv virus has been identified in your test, and this is a virus which most people who have ever been sexually active in their lives have come across at some point. For some people it never causes any issues, and for others it can cause damage to cervical cells. 

Having the virus doesn’t mean you have cancer, and doesn’t mean you will ever develop cancer, and the point of the screening process is to identify any cell changes early before they develop any further. Checking of your cells has identified some abnormality but you don’t know what that is yet, so please don’t speculate!

The colposcopy is basically a closer look at your cervix under strong magnification, and from that you may have some liquid put on your cervix to identify where these abnormal cells are-this liquid will show up any area of abnormal cells, and you may have some tiny biopsies called punch biopsies taken-I didn’t find this caused any pain for me. Anything taken will be sent to the lab for checking and this will identify how abnormal the cells look under the microscope. There are 3 different levels of cell abnormality depending on how they look, and there will be a wait for the result, which will determine what treatment, if any is required. 

I’m not sure why you would think at this stage that you have aggressive cancer? Have you had any symptoms which worry you, like unusual bleeding, pelvic pain or pain after sex? Having hpv and abnormal cells, which are not cancer, would not usually produce any pain. No-one in the medical profession would put any blame on you for anything, cancer or not.

Your results are extremely common, and we do get a lot of ladies come to the group in a panic believing they have cancer after diagnosing themselves or reading things on the internet which also can’t diagnose you. It’s just fear convincing you of something you don’t actually know.

There is a lot of waiting during any diagnostic process unfortunately so I’m afraid that’s something you will need to come to terms with-try to keep yourself occupied and don’t sit crying and worrying about this. Ultimately you cannot change anything, either in the past or now, so it won’t really serve you any purpose to obsess about this before you find out more information. 

It feels long to wait for things to happen, but 2 weeks is really not long to wait in the grand scheme of things. I I hope it will go well for you and things are not as bad as you fear, but please keep posting with any other worries or concerns and there will be support for you here.

Sarah xx

1. Thank you so much for your reply and taking the time. I do struggle with anxiety anyway so  I know i need to find a way to not fixate on this.

i haven’t had any symptoms but most of my anxiety is around the fact it’s been a long time since I had sexual contact so I’m thinking I have had HPV for many years and it’s been left to proceed and cause changes over a long period which makes it more likely to be cancer.

i know I can’t know this but it feels like this will be my ‘punishment’ for not going for tests 

Hi KitKat33

I am really sorry to hear how upset you are feeling, and as Sarah highlighted saddened to hear how much shame you may be feeling right now. I wanted to say that there is nothing you have done/will have done that would mean you needed to be punished (by anyone or anything)

If you can, over the next two weeks whilst your waiting for the next appointment if these negative thoughts or assumptions are circling in your mind, try and reassure yourself as if you were talking to a friend, what would you say if a friend came to you with the same worry?, how would you reassure them?, how would you show them compassion and understanding and try and show that to yourself. Waiting for any tests or appointments is always unsettling, are there things that you can do to distract yourself between now and then? keeping busy if you should help. Sending a big hug

Hi Kitkat33 

One of the other things I can mention is that your understanding is not actually how hpv works. 

You are assuming that you’ve had an active hpv infection for years, and that automatically means it’s made things worse over time. However, our own immune system can normally get on top of the virus and keep it dormant and not doing any damage. At times when our immune system is low it can fail to suppress the virus and that’s when it can cause some cell damage. It’s true that the virus can’t be cured, but our immune systems can usually handle it and keep it from damaging our cells.

I would agree with mochimoo here about how you would react to a friend having this news, or to those of us who have been through all of this. Would you blame me, for example, for the fact I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and say it was my own fault? I did have feelings of both shame and blame when I had my own diagnosis, but that was many years ago and I no longer feel like that. It’s not my fault, the blame game is not something I would entertain nowadays. No-one deserves cancer, and no-one deserves to be punished in any way for having it. Some factors may increase the likelihood of having a cancer diagnosis in your lifetime but that’s the lottery of life.

I assume you would show a friend with these worries some compassion and understanding, so I’d encourage you to show that same grace to yourself. 

Sarah xx

Just wanted to say that i felt like this last year x i had never missed a smear test since i was 17/18-now 62, never had an abnormal result, been with my husband 37 years, normal smear in 2013 but missed the next one in 2018 as lots going on and other health issues, then pandemic etc kept meaning to go but wasnt concerned but then August i had a small bleed and it turned out to be stage 1 cc x i was so mad at myself, i am very health conscious and go straight to the Dr’s with any issues, never miss screening but thr one thing i miss turns out to be a big health issue x my gynae told me not to stress about missing it, he said they didnt test for hpv until 2019 so it wouldnt have been picked up in 2018 and likely the cancer wouldnt have been either until my next smear which would have been 2023 so one year earlier x its just one of those things and as Sarah said its unlikely your hpv would have been active this whole time x i had no way of knowing i had hpv and neither did you x i still wish i hadnt missed it but it doesnt help me or the situation so have just tried to accept it and not blame myself, my sister had missed hers for years too but she was fine x try not to stress too much, it could all be ok so just try to have a wait and see approach x good luck xx

Hi Kitkat33

Just wanted to respond to: 'it's (HPV) obviously been causing changes all this time'.  This is not necessarily true: one of the characteristics of HPV is that is often lies dormant during which time it won't do any harm and it won't be detectable by testing.  There are many examples where women have kept up to date with screening and had normal results for many years; only to suddenly get a positive HPV result in their 50s or 60s despite ticking all the low risk boxes.

I can't make any promises but hope the above helps to get some perspective on your situation.

I can very much empathise with being angry with oneself for avoiding smears, me too and it took a while to forgive myself and come to terms with the situation. About 1 in 3 women don't keep up to date with cervical screening which, in my long considered opinion, says a lot about the system.

In my case stage 2 cervical cancer was diagnosed, but I didn't get any gynae exams/tests between my last smear (2004) and developing symptoms in 2017.

I hope all goes well for you.