How to tell children

Hi Rosie

I found with mine it was best to be honest but a gentle honest.

So during the diagnosis, I said I had been to hospital and that they weren't sure what it was. It could be cancer or it could be not.

I told him I needed further tests and I would tell him when I knew. 

When I had the diagnosis I told him that it was cancer but that I was not yet sure what the treatment would be.

Once I had seen the consultant and I knew there would be surgery- I told him about the surgery and that it was intended to remove the cancer. I didn't promise him that it was going to be all ok- only that they were doing what they could.

I then told him about practical things that he could do to help. I think he felt better for being able to physically do things that were needed- eg shopping

When my post op results came back that I needed chemo- I told him straight away and went through practically what would be involved. How I was going to get to hospital and how I was likely to be when I got home. Again it helped him to focus on physical and practical things he could do to help. 

My son also wanted a list of the medications, dates of appointments and phone numbers to call if there were problems. I suppose giving him a feeling of control.

So for me it was about doing in stages and just being honest. He had questions that I answered the best I could. It was hard but the thinking about it was worth than the actual conversations. 

I think also its about knowing your own children and how best they will cope. And being prepared with answers but it is ok to say that you don't know. Maybe also suggest they speak to someone on the Support Line if they need to- as sometimes it is easier to speak to someone a bit more neutral- as they may have questions they don't want to ask in case of causing upset. 

I found the Macmillan booklets helpful as well as they go through the diagnosis and treatment but also give links to where you can get more info if needed. 

It may help perhaps to have a look at this yourself so you are feeling prepared if they do ask questions. Also give yourself time to prepare yourself and find a time when you are feeling ready, as relaxed as possible and comfortable. 

Understanding breast cancer (macmillan.org.uk)

Hope this helps

Jane

Thank you yes that was helpful. Gosh this is going to be a journey . I am so scared . On Wednesday I will find out the plan so I think I will wait till then to tell my children( although grown up I know they will be devastated) I hope your journey is going well and thank you for my first reply .

rosie

I would also think that when you do get your plan- maybe give yourself a couple of days just to process it all and then talk to them. I felt I needed time to process things myself first and when I got my head around it I was able to speak more calmly with my family. I think that probably helped them as well- rather than do it mid panic and when I was flustered. But I think to be honest, people can give you ideas and share how they managed- but you know your own children best.

Good Luck and if you need anything you know we are here. 

Hi Rosie, sorry that you find yourself in this situation, it is a scary time when first diagnosed. I too have adult children, with my son still living at home. They were all aware that I was having tests to see if I had cancer, so when I went for results they were expecting to hear from me. I picked a time when I felt calm and not emotional, to phone my girls. I tried to keep the conversation as upbeat as possible and they took it really well. Initially my anxiety levels were really high and I struggled to sleep. I then decided I couldn't go through months with that level of anxiety. I started walking with hubby, 2 1/2 miles every morning, cut alcohol and made sure I eat healthily. I felt so much better and felt more in control. I finished chemo in July and had minimal side effects. I did have a little cry when I started losing my hair, but I have lots of nice hats and a couple of wigs. My hair actually started growing back before I had my last chemo. I am due to have my surgery at the beginning of October. You'll probably feel a bit better after Wednesday, when you know what the plan is. Hope all goes OK when telling your children and wish you well moving forward on your journey. Always here for a chat. Xx

Thank you so much. I think it’s quite rare that the doctor giving me the scan told me that my lumps were cancer. So I have had 9 days to think about it . I am sure it will be chemo mastectomy and radiation. So I am preparing myself for that to be the case . I just hope it hasn’t spread. Although I don’t suppose they know that at this stage . I am so scared never did I think this would be me . I am sure this community will help me . 
thank you again

Hiya,

I have a daughter of 22 and a son of 18. I was very matter of fact with them and told them what the surgeon had told me - that I was going to be fine. I told them that first before I said what was wrong and that seemed to ease them a bit (it definitely did mine when he said that!)

I have 3 armpit lymph nodes involved and my CT scan also flagged up an area of my liver, some lymph nodes in the centre of my chest and a lymph node in my next on the opposite side of my breastcer. I have had a PET scan to see what, if anything, is going on. I expected to have my plan etc by now so it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to have to wait even longer. They also want to biopse lymph node on my neck so need to wait for that result too. I have the ‘good’ cancer - hormone receptive and HER2 negative and I was told it had only been there for about 6 months so I have no idea how it could have spread so quickly if it has. I am all over the place and my mind is going lots of places it shouldn’t. I have phoned MacMillan nurses twice when I have been climbing the walls and they have been really helpful

and understanding and reassuring so give them a call if you feel like you might need some help. This is all a minefield and I’m still in disbelief. I hope your children are ok - it doesn’t get any easier trying to protect them even when they’re grown up themselves xx

Thank you so much for replying to me it was very helpful. Yes it’s a real rollercoaster have you found this forum helpful? I am so all over the place at the moment . I have 3 lumps found on a scan which they have biopsies of . They have told me it’s cancer that’s as far as I have  got . Seeing consultant on Wednesday for plan . I decided to wait till I know what is happening. My daughter lives 4/5 hours away and I know will feel helpless . Thank you for your advice so helpful. I think it’s the waiting is the worst . I hope your journey goes well. Thank you again

Rosie