Fed up and tired

I have a different type of cancer to you but I feel the same almost all the time.  I feel your pain. I take each day as it comes, sometimes hour by hour if necessary. I know it's hard but the reason you have to go on every day is that life is precious and you are precious. You are here, talking, living and in spite of all the horror of the experience, you are a warrior. All I can do is take pleasure in the small things. Living in the moment that no one and nothing can take away from me. Not even the disease. I have to step outside of the whole thing sometimes and almost pretend I am someone else, somewhere else without this horrible disease. I know it may sound barmy but it's the way I cope. I know I have cancer but it does not define me and each day brings something to be happy about. Just being alive is a miracle.

Sometimes even when we are with people we can still feel alone, so we have to be our own best friend. Have you tried reaching out to local community groups or even your local church for comfort? I see you've tried a lot but there will be those will care for you - you just have to find them. I care and I hope and pray you will find the comfort you need.

Thanks Lolabear that's great to get your reply.

 I've suffered most of my life with mental health issues depression and anxiety mainly and just feel so bleak. Like you said, it's a really good idea to go one day at a time thank you I'm going to try this.

I do enjoy creating music painting etc but can't beat the uncertainty of these things.

Uncertainty is the worst thing to learn to live with. There is no way around that one! I was diagnosed with lupus, other autoimmune diseases, asthma, diabetes, arthritis and now endometrial cancer, to top it all.

Each time I thought I would go mad with worry but the only way forward was to put one foot in front of the other each day. I know it's a cliche but it works! 

None of us know what is around the corner and people die every day of lots of things, even accidents etc....so we are blessed to be here and still kicking.

Take pleasure in those things you mentioned. Immerse yourself in them and try not to think about the illness every minute of every day. I play the piano, watch old movies and comedies are good for helping you laugh at times, even when things are horrible. Create that joy in simple things and create something that's yours.

There is no cure for the uncertainty but you can create your own way of learning to live alongside it. I wish you well and hope you can reach out to others along the way. There are literally thousands of people on these community boards who feel the same way as we do. You really are not alone and we are together in this.

That's very true. 
I find it comforting to know I'm not alone.

I used to be married but I'm alone so reaching out which I don't do very often.

 I'm 52 and never thought my life would change so much xx

Hi Jax007, even when we are with a partner nothing can change the fact we have to walk this path on our own. Illness comes to so many people now - one in two out of everyone will get cancer. I am married and my husband does his best but you know men lol! He tries but in the end, I know I have to find my own voice, my own strength and make the best of each day. No one can do that for me. I think the best thing I have learned in such a short time is this: you have to live your life like Scarlet O'Hara in the classic film Gone with the Wind....

When faced with something she could barely cope with she always said: 'I'll think about it tomorrow....' Funny but a great way of dealing with what's in front of you today. So if you have an appointment or treatment next week, you say: '  I won't think about that now, I'll think about it tomorrow or the day before I have to go. For now, it's better to get on with life. I don't let the illness rob me of my time. For now, I do the dishes, take out the rubbish, play the piano, or anything that takes my fancy.

And the great thing about this philosophy is that when that thing you dreaded comes, you can still say: 'I'll do this but it won't last long and I will be home soon to think about something else...' And so on. It's a way of making the most of everything and living in the moment. That's all any of us can do.

I love the scarlet O'Hara analogy!

 Great advice thanks Lola.

I wake up every day scared of what will be next with results etc

 by the end of the day I'm so exhausted mentally as well as physically I just get into bed, cry and try to sleep if I can.

I know this is my journey and I have to make it on my own but sometimes I'm so lost and scared feeling actual despair.

I feel trapped in a nightmare.