Hello,
im having 20 sessions of radiotherapy currently. I am on day 4 and I feel absolutely flawed - physically and emotionally. It’s brought me to me knees already.
did anyone else feel like this? 
Hallo Twinkle25. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not pleasant.
I had 15 sessions of radiotherapy, but no chemo, and physically I was lucky. But emotionally I was a mess. My partner is a nurse, and she was surprised by how upset I was by radiotherapy - as was I. I came out of the first 3 sessions in tears.
Luckily, there's a Maggie's Centre next to the cancer department in Edinburgh. I went and spoke to the staff there, and they were brilliant. Gave me lots of helpful tips, which I followed.
The first was to tell the staff how nervous I was feeling, and to tell them I would like them to talk to me. On my first 3 visits, they were quiet and efficient and then left the room ! I realised it was the first time in my whole treatment process that I'd been left alone. I felt very isolated and vulnerable, lying in the middle of this strange machine.
Of course, I'd been told to lie very still - bit I didn't know this machine was going to grow arms and legs and approach me from all angles. Normally, if you catch sight of unexpected movement in your peripheral vision, and hear it whirring and clicking, you turn towards it to see what it is. I knew I couldn't. That stressed me out.
So, when I went for my fourth session, I spoke to the lovely staff. I asked to see all the "arms and legs" of the machine. They couldn't easily do that, but they did tell me it would go through exactly the same order every day. Sadly, they couldn't speak to me during the process because it was an old machine, but, strangely, it helped just to know that.
I asked the staff to talk to me about anything while they were getting me into place. One woman told me about visiting her mother the day before, for Mother's Day. It really helped to distract me with pleasant thoughts of everyday life.
Following Maggie's advice, I also asked them to change the music, from fairly loud pop music to quiet sort of whale music. They did that immediately - said it was easy, on someone's phone, played through the speakers. Every session after that, quiet meditative music was playing when I entered the room. So they'd made a note about it, which really helped me to feel I was a person, not a number. One of the staff said she'd never listened to music like that before and really liked it.
Two other strategies helped me. One was suggested by the counsellor / psychologist which Macmillan and BUPA funded free for six sessions. She suggested I give myself a reward after every session, just for getting through it. She suggested a balloon. So I did that. Every day when I got home, I blew up a balloon. By the end, I had 15 cheerful balloons floating round the sitting-room.
Finally, I decided to name the radiotherapy machine. I called him Toothless, after the cheeky dragon in "How to Train Your Dragon." Toothless is very powerful but also playful and toothless. For me, this was a good metaphor and reminded me that the machine was there to help me, even if it didn't always feel like that.
From then on, when the staff left the room, I would look up at the machine and say "Hallo, Toothless" - and start a conversation with him - in my head, so as to keep still ! I felt he became my friend, not my enemy.
You might think I'm crazy, and you're probably right 
but I pass on these tips in the hope that at least one of them is useful.
At the very least, you'll know you're not alone in being upset by radiotherapy. The staff at Edinburgh said it's very common, and they were glad I'd told them, because then they were aware and were able to do something about it.
Wishing you all the best. You will soon be through this xxx
So glad Toothless made you smile We need all the smiles we can get during cancer.
Yes, the wait between surgery and radiotherapy is hard. Like you, I had sort of got back to normal when suddenly cancer became very real again.
I think, for me, I became aware that in the run-up to surgery I was surrounded by people. Then the general anaesthetic knocked me out, and when I woke up, there were lots of friendly faces again.
But with radiotherapy, you are conscious and alone. You're also naked from the waist up and lying with your hands above your head. And you're not allowed to move. How vulnerable is that ?!
As I looked around the room, I remember thinking "This is a really expensive bit of kit, so I must be really ill to be here."
Weird what goes through your mind, eh.
You will find a new normal, but it might take a while. I was lucky. I had very little soreness after radiotherapy, but I did feel tired for about a fortnight after it finished, just as they said I might. It was a great excuse to be lazy.
Have you decided what treat you're going to give yourself today ?
Give my regards to Toothless.
Yes! I had a very similar feeling in the car on the way home yesterday. I thought wow - this is serious treatment here. The way they are so precise about making sure it’s lined up properly and missing your organs etc. it’s serious business.
yes also - it’s just you in the room. What they are doing is so intense that other people can’t be in the same room as it.
it’s a lot to get your head around.
with all this said - aren’t we so lucky to have this treatment available to us 
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