Relationships and ongoing treatment.

Hi FE1

Sorry to hear that you've been/ are going through this.  

It sounds to me from what your partner has said is that he's not angry with you, but angry that it's happened to both of you.  BOTH of you being the important word.  You're the one enduring the treatment, but he's the one enduring the fallout and often it is the loved ones who can suffer as much as the the person who is ill.

I don't have experience of a partner being cross about it, because TBH my partner was absolutely useless - so much so that I don't even bother telling him when I have my annual mammograms.  (he answered a business phone call when I was being told by the surgeon that I had cancer and that set the tone of things for the rest of my treatment .... ).

As your partner has been supportive, it might be worth while acknowledging to him that you understand that he is going through this as well and you understand that it's as difficult for him.  It's not as difficult physically, but emotionally it probably is and saying that you understand and appreciate all he does might just help his emotional state as well.  The last thing you want or need is to be supporting someone else emotionally, but maybe by just saying you appreciate him and all he does might mean that he gets a 'boost' to keep going with accepting the current situation because obviously nothing can be changed. You could then discuss that maybe when you treatment is over and you are able to take back more of the home reins, you can sit down and look at other opportunities for him and work towards something better than the job offers he's actually turned down.

You could recommend that he rings the MacMillan line to get support from an advisor as to how he is feeling too?

I can remember when my Dad had a major stroke and was blinded, dependent on a machine to get him out of bed/ get from his wheelchair etc, my Mum's life was turned upside down.  When he came home from hospital, she became his full time carer at the age of 75. Prior to this, I spent 6 months driving her a 30 mile round trip to the rehab hospital most days.   I went round to their house every day to do some physio work with Dad and give Mum a break, but I can recall feeling cross with her sometimes when she forgot to say thanks or wanted 'something else doing'. E.g. going to collect some medicine which she had forgotten to order, when I'd collected a load the previous day - which meant an extra hour of going into and out of town etc.  I had just left my full time job and was starting my own business, so it meant I was neglecting my new business and equally, I was struggling financially.  Of course it wasn't Mum's fault and of course it wasn't Dad's fault, but we do take our frustration out on the ones we love the most and I look back now and feel absolutely awful for the times I 'snapped at her' when I could have just said 'of course' and accepted that life had dealt us all a hard blow. I think my frustration came from the fact I had 2 brothers who did absolutely nothing to help and yet I was trying to start my business and the impact was hitting me the hardest out of the 3 siblings. 

Understanding where his frustration lies and appreciating this, rather than getting upset will perhaps help any future conversations if you do decide to hold one with him about his outburst.

I look back now and my Mum died 5 years after Dad's stroke and Dad 2 years after her and I am so grateful that I had those 5 years seeing my Mum daily/7 years for Dad - which if he hadn't had the stroke, I probably would have just popped over to see them once a week!  Clearly it was dreadful - as is you enduring cancer - but I now try and look at every bad thing that happens and think what could be the future benefits of this?  Who knows, your partner might even get a better job offer - that he wouldn't have even thought about/been offered when it comes to the end of your treatment!  

I know this isn't the same, but I do hope my experience helps a little.

Kindest Wishes, Lesley

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. It sounds as though your partner has run out of steam for dealing with cancer and has bottled things up for a while and it has all bubbled over. He is probably angry at what has happened to the woman he loves and how it is affecting him and you, rather than angry at you specifically. I am so sorry that you have been on the receiving end when you are already feeling vulnerable. I think your reaction to what has happened sounds very normal and it makes sense that you will be feeling cross and upset about it all, and now wondering about how much you can lean on your partner in all this. Sometimes acknowledging that it is awful that this has happened in your lives and how it is impacting you both can be helpful. Sometimes I'm sorry this has happened and is affecting both of us in different ways, even though it is not anyone's fault, might open things up a little? And ongoing thanks for his support and all he has done so far to support you?  Or its been a really difficult few months... You probably do all this anyway. Maybe pick a time when you feel you have the energy to have a conversation if your partner is receptive to it.

I wonder if some counselling might help you both deal with different emotions about this, either together or individually? Is that something you might consider? Your BCN can refer one or both of you for individual or joint counselling, or a mixture. 

Just want to send you a hug when you are feeling understandably bruised. xx

Like you, my partner has been my rock throughout the whole process and on top of my chemo/surgery/radio, his mom suffered a massive stroke 12 months ago and is in a nursing home as she is paralysed down one side.  We live 120 miles away so it's not a daily chore for him but I know it's another worry on his mind and I truly don't know how he is coping.  

As others have said, MacMillan is there for partners and families too and as soon as I was diagnosed I sent for the "living with someone with cancer" booklet.  I have no idea if he read it and didn't want to push him.  All along I have encouraged him to talk to his brother and close friends if he felt he needed to.  I also push him to do "normal" things without me like going to the pub or football matches with friends.

He doesn't work (he gets income from share trading) and so, fortunately, job situation hasn't been a problem.  We did have the house on the market at the time of diagnosis and of course, had to take it off as we didn't want strangers in the house when I was having chemo.   Now that my main treatments are over we have booked some holidays this year as something to look forward to.  However, some friends who are doing a D-day trip to Normandy next month have invited him along but he has said no - mainly because his mom has been quite ill recently.  I really wanted him to take the trip but I also know that telling him to go is putting him under pressure he doesn't need and so I've left it up to him. 

I don't have any answers but I would encourage him towards MacMillan to see if talking to someone would help him. 

On a practical level, is there another friend or family member who could share the burden of shopping, cooking, school runs or driving you to appointments so that he can feel free to explore job opportunities?  Can the hospital or MacMillan help with transport for you?

Best wishes to you both.