Still surreal post surgery

I totally understand and I think it’s something that will resonate with all of us to one extent or another. I have a different situation in that I love my job and miss it dreadfully but it doesn’t feel like my life at all at the moment. While you’re still effectively ‘in treatment’ it’s all your mind can cope with because you’re still in the eye of the storm, it’s not done yet, you’re still in a world of consultation and treatments and new info and it’s disorienting. Anything else is a weight too great, especially if it’s a situation like you describe. 

Just think for a moment what has happened to you in only 4 months?? That is an incredibly short time, no time to process your own feelings, you don’t have a choice but to just get on with it which gives you this feeling of being strangely disconnected, the numbness. I think sometimes to cope we minimise what’s happening to us, we’ve got a much better prognosis than someone else, we should feel ok because look at that person, etc. I feel like that regularly. I’m learning slowly not to compare my illness with others illness and accept this is traumatic to me but still I have the same feeling of just putting  one foot in front of the other. And saying yes, I feel ok, I do feel ok most days, but it’s an ok in new parameters and people can’t understand that unless they’ve been there and in some cases I can’t be bothered or just don’t want to share or explain.

Lots of people report totally breaking down shortly after their treatment actually ends, when they should feel euphoric but it’s then, when it’s over that your mind let’s you process. That may or may not happen to you and I hope it doesn’t but I think how you feel is normal in your situation. 

I hope you have an easier day and night! I hope you don’t feel so alone, you’re not. Welcome to the forum, there’s some lovely ladies on here to help you and help each other ️️️

J00ls

My diagnosis and treatment is exactly the same as you (surgery was 26th May). My radiotherapy ended last week and I’ve cried every day since, yet I barely shed a tear before. I feel I’ve been on auto-pilot since my referral, subconsciously keeping the emotions in check was my way of coping. I didn’t even cry when I was told I had cancer and then taken into the comfy room by the BCN. I thought am I weird? This isn’t normal, I should be bawling my eyes out.

If you are waiting for your radiotherapy then you are still going through treatment and not ready or able to go back to work therefore ask your GP to sign you off, recovery is vital after such a traumatic time. Best wishes x

Anna

Thats a wonderful reply, summed it up exactly.

This sums up exactly how I’m feeling too. X

Hi Jules

Ann12345 has summed-up how it feels exactly.

Because of the chemo and targeted meds I had there was no active cancer found in my lumpectomy tissues or lymph nodes after my surgery. On the one hand I am so grateful, and know that this is rather miraculous, but some days I do feel pretty down. I feel quite guilty about the negative days.

I think as you say that it really hits home when one is over the immediate fear and desperation to stay alive. I still have treatment appointments for various things to stop it coming back, but their intensity has decreased. I think that it is partly having the time off the helter-skelter wearing the big-girl pants, which lets the emotional trauma of it all come to the surface. I lost my husband of 40 years six months before I found my lump. I think I had not fully processed all my feelings connected to this loss, when I had to park them and concentrate on surviving myself.

I suppose these feelings are what they mean when they talk of post-traumatic syndrome. To a great extent the worst seems to be over, but pow, instead of swimming on we feel like we a sinking a bit. It doesn't seem rational, but none of us signed up for this whole thing. I think we need to be kind to ourselves. We get so caught up in putting on our brave faces, we sometimes forget that we also need to lick our wounds [metaphorically, not actually] sometimes and that we should celebrate too.

I think what you are feeling is very normal for ladies in our situations.

Wishing you all the best and a good day

Wallydug

Hi

I feel excatly the same, I personally chose not to tell many people so it's business as usual to most, but Im just hiding behind the smile and feel I'm on a merry go round, never had as many headaches and felt so tired. No tears as yet even in the hanky room. 

You have a wonderful way with words and summing things up

Thank you all for your kind and supportive comments ️️️ take care all, lots of love x

I am exactly the same.  Almost no tears at all.  I asked my husband today if I’m taking this all in - thinking this is nothing.  I’ll walk this!!   My planning session /ct scan is Monday coming with radio the week after.  Ive had virtually no emotion at all.  Wondering if this will hit me when therapy finishes. Xx

Hi hope you session goes well, it just feels weird like I cannot believe it's happening, and from someone who cries at TV programmes I'm waiting for it crashing down at some point