Hi - Newly diagnosed.. when and how to tell grown up children

Hi Danvers 

I am sorry you have been diagnosed with breast cancer and are awaiting tests and appointments to understand more about it and the plan. In relation to questions you might ask at your appointment, Macmillan has a good set of resources on this which you can find here: https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/treatment/your-treatment-options/questions-to-ask-your-healthcare-team

For your grown up children, I think it depends on whether they live close by and see you often or not. You certainly don’t want them finding out from elsewhere, but if it can wait until after your appointment you will be in a better position to tell them what’s happening and answer any questions they may have. One thing to bear in mind is that treatment plans can change as more is understood. Again, our resources on how to talk to people might help. https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/diagnosis/talking-about-cancer

Your breast cancer nurse can also be a useful resource, particularly for understanding the likely impacts of treatment and related practical matters. Please don’t worry about breaking down and crying, it’s absolutely normal. My children don’t live locally, so I told them by phone. My son, who was 33 at the time, took it well. My daughter, who was 29 at the time, burst into tears on the phone and I found that hard to handle. A few months later I needed to tell them it was a lot worse than initially thought as it had spread to my liver. I Told my son straight away but waited for my daughter to return from holiday. I couldn’t get the words out with my daughter and had to hand the phone over to my husband. 

Beware Dr Google. Whilst I also believe in researching so I can self advocate, stick to the information on trusted medical and cancer charity sites.

Thank you for replying, all of that is helpful. I’ll check out those resources and try to stay away from Dr Google. I do still think AI may be a useful tool as long as I don’t rely on it blindly or spend too long asking questions that are better asked of humans on my care team. 
I think telling my sons (if I need to before MRI outcomes are known) could work if I use your phrase that - my treatment plan is likely to change as more is understood - this seems a good way to put it. It’s a process and it’s underway. We don’t have all the answers yet. 

Hi Danvers 

I’m sorry you have to be here, but welcome!

My children were younger, 16 and 18, when I was diagnosed two years ago. I decided to wait until I knew what my treatment plan would be before telling them. As has already been said, treatment plans can change, but I wanted to know roughly what would be happening when I told them as I didn’t want to either downplay and then later things seem worse and them think I’d been hiding things or unnecessarily lead them to think it was more serious than mine was.

My daughter took it in her stride, she has a friend whose mum had breast cancer and is fine so could understand many people can and do get through this. My son’s reaction was to make a really inappropriate joke. Some people may have found that insensitive or difficult, but for us and our relationship it was exactly the response I hoped for from my son and made us both laugh. 

In terms of questions at your appointment I would ask them if there is anything else which needs to be done which could change your treatment plan/timeline. I had a few delays for various reasons which would have been much easier to deal with if I had been prepared. 

Best of luck with everything. x

Hi, I also dreaded telling my adult children 19 and 25, however they were fantastic and supportive and the weight lifted by including them in the diagnosis was huge. It was the best thing that happened , seeing how well they took it and trusting them as adults to handle the news.  

Hi.  So sorry you’re going through this.  I have 2 grown children as well.  When I had to tell my boys, one was away at college so face to face simply couldn’t happen.  We had to do a phone call.  The other lived home still so he was in the thick of it all the time.  It all worked out just fine.  I kept both of our boys and my husband in the loop from the moment I found my lump.  My husband and I discussed and decided it was best to tell them I found a lump and was getting checked rather than waiting and dropping a potential cancer bomb without warning.  So that’s what we did.  We decided then, as a family, that I’d update them on Sundays unless it was something that absolutely couldn’t wait.  With one in college, it had to be this way.  He had too much on his plate already and needed to compartmentalize, we all did.  This worked for us.  It helped us to not allow my cancer to run our lives.  We discussed it during the allotted time and put it to the side as best we could for the rest of the week.  Once you’ve had the initial talk, ask your children how they want to receive information (mine wanted a text of new information Sunday morning with a follow up phone call later in the day to discuss), how much they want to know, and how often.  They will guide you.  

Hi Danvers

I noticed your post was a couple of weeks ago now so maybe you’ve progressed significantly with your queries but your situation does sound familiar to me so I thought I would still offer my thoughts.

I too felt the dilemma of when to tell my adult children (24,25 and 26) and other family/friends. My husband and I felt at the time that I should wait until I could give them more information on the diagnosis and treatment plan but that process ended up being very protracted due to needing further testing and extremely stressful. I regretted not telling the “kids” much earlier. They wanted to be supportive and I think that waiting phase is probably the hardest to get through psychologically so I really could have benefitted from extra support during that time.

I also found Google AI Mode very useful, I think you just need to use your own intelligence when using it to be selective about where the information it’s giving you is coming from but it always references the source of information. There was an excellent podcast about this that I listened to the other day:

So Now I’ve Got Breast Cancer  Dr Liz O’Riordan  “Who Should You Trust: Understanding Cancer Misinformation”