Hello
I was diagnosed with a grade 2 infiltrating ductal carcinoma of the left breast after a routine mammogram in October. I’ve since had a lumpectomy and sentinel lymph node biopsy and am about to embark on a 5 day course of Radio therapy before Xmas. I have a painful hematoma under my armpit which is causing me more grief than the breast surgery and which my team are trying to reduce through aspiration, although somewhat unsuccessfully! I think ultimately time will reduce the swelling and therefore the pain and discomfort.
I was told somewhat matter of factly and abruptly at my recall appointment after my mammogram appointment by the radiologist doing a further ultra sound, that ‘yes, this is definitely breast cancer but it’s been caught early and they’ll probably take it out and you won’t have to have radio therapy or anything!’ I went into total shock at his words, I realise now, and disassociated myself from the experience and overwhelm of the news, I’d gone to the appointment on my own thinking, somewhat naively and hopefully it’d all be fine, and there I was with a diagnosis of breast cancer, delivered unceremoniously and matter of factly like he was telling me I had a tooth ache !!
Because I have repeatedly been told that it’s been caught early, how lucky I am, and that I’m going to be fine I am feeling extremely uncomfortable and guilty that I’m feeling so scared sometimes and traumatised by the whole experience !
I do have a history of high anxiety and depression and having crashed off HRT and now taking Anaprozole (since my cancer was/is oestrogen and progesterone receptive (8/8)) I am managing all that this brings both emotionally and physically.
I’m trying to be outwardly positive, sheltering my family members from the truth of how I’m actually feeling, which rantes from sometimes ok and positive, to sometimes downright terrified!. My husband, with whom I‘m trying to be honest about how I’m feeling is struggling to be supportive. Not being one to engage in empathy and emotional support, he is continuing as if nothing is wrong and accusing me of being ‘much more animated when talking about my illness than anything else these days!’ This hurt to hear, and made me feel like he was diminishing what I am (we are) going through at the moment, as well as guilty that perhaps I’m making too big a deal of what I’m going through!. I feel extremely alone in this journey.
Have others experienced similar situations? How have you managed the loneliness of the journey with cancer ?
Writing this all down will help me sleep tonight so thank you for the space to do so x
