Hello
I was diagnosed with a grade 2 infiltrating ductal carcinoma of the left breast after a routine mammogram in October. I’ve since had a lumpectomy and sentinel lymph node biopsy and am about to embark on a 5 day course of Radio therapy before Xmas. I have a painful hematoma under my armpit which is causing me more grief than the breast surgery and which my team are trying to reduce through aspiration, although somewhat unsuccessfully! I think ultimately time will reduce the swelling and therefore the pain and discomfort.
I was told somewhat matter of factly and abruptly at my recall appointment after my mammogram appointment by the radiologist doing a further ultra sound, that ‘yes, this is definitely breast cancer but it’s been caught early and they’ll probably take it out and you won’t have to have radio therapy or anything!’ I went into total shock at his words, I realise now, and disassociated myself from the experience and overwhelm of the news, I’d gone to the appointment on my own thinking, somewhat naively and hopefully it’d all be fine, and there I was with a diagnosis of breast cancer, delivered unceremoniously and matter of factly like he was telling me I had a tooth ache !!
Because I have repeatedly been told that it’s been caught early, how lucky I am, and that I’m going to be fine I am feeling extremely uncomfortable and guilty that I’m feeling so scared sometimes and traumatised by the whole experience !
I do have a history of high anxiety and depression and having crashed off HRT and now taking Anaprozole (since my cancer was/is oestrogen and progesterone receptive (8/8)) I am managing all that this brings both emotionally and physically.
I’m trying to be outwardly positive, sheltering my family members from the truth of how I’m actually feeling, which rantes from sometimes ok and positive, to sometimes downright terrified!. My husband, with whom I‘m trying to be honest about how I’m feeling is struggling to be supportive. Not being one to engage in empathy and emotional support, he is continuing as if nothing is wrong and accusing me of being ‘much more animated when talking about my illness than anything else these days!’ This hurt to hear, and made me feel like he was diminishing what I am (we are) going through at the moment, as well as guilty that perhaps I’m making too big a deal of what I’m going through!. I feel extremely alone in this journey.
Have others experienced similar situations? How have you managed the loneliness of the journey with cancer ?
Writing this all down will help me sleep tonight so thank you for the space to do so x
Thank you so much WhatHappened for your lovely response, im sorry that you too have gone through similar experiences to myself.
I did indeed have two different access points .. one for the lumpectomy and one for the sentinel lymph biopsy and yes, you’re absolutely right, it’s the lymph glad site which is causing me the most grief! It is exactly as you describe it ! I’m taking lots of pain meds and it’s easier in the morning than after a day of wearing clothes !! I get to about 5 pm and wish I was a naturist !!! I’m sure it will calm down at some stage … just painful as it goes through the motions !
It is strange how we feel about telling everyone, and our relatives .. I opted for the just tell everyone and it then prevents the Chinese whispers .. some people have disappointed and some have been unbelievably kind. Some have sent flowers and been noticeable by their physical absence !!
Like your mum, my parents are aged, in their 80s and so, like you I didn’t want them to worry and think they have to keep asking me how I am … and yet the person I sometimes yearn for most is my mum .. but my mum of many years ago when she had the energy, strength and the ability to take the pain away !
thank you for the link to Awake .. I shall take a look and visit …
Hope you have a really good day
Thank you Missymolly 
it's so true that unless you have experienced something for yourself, you have no real understating of what it’s like to have the diagnosis of Cancer, and the sometimes irrational thoughts and narratives which go through your head.
I am so used to supporting and caring for others, putting their needs ahead of my own. I can’t help feeling a little disappointed that, when I need support for something which gets the reaction it does when people hear you're having treatment for the C word, people aren’t quite so keen or able to support you back in a way which is useful and/ or helpful. My rational brain understands that they don’t know what to say, that they too are scared of what might be, and just want it to go away, relieved when they hear it’s been taken out and, for them, that it’s gone then !! I also appreciate that they too have their own worries, lives, fears over and beyond what I’m experiencing and this journey can become extremely absorbing, making you become very self focussed. My irrational, fight, flight or freeze response, which is being triggered immeasurably at the moment due to hormonal changes and imbalance, anxiety and fear, causes me to flare, to cry, to feel sorry for myself and to lash out verbally at those I love, who I think could be doing a better job of showing they care.
It’s a very heightened emotional time isn’t it ! More so than I could have ever imagined. I’m trying to take the learning out of all of this because there MUST be some positives to take out of all the chaos that is going on at the moment !!!
thank you
Hi Sontibra. So sorry to read about what you're going through.
A bit about me, for background ...
I had a lumpectomy last year, two lymph nodes removed, radiotherapy and Letrozole / Exemestane. My cancer was caught early by a routine mammogram. It was a very common type of breast cancer. It was very treatable.
After I finished treatment, my mental health was fragile (it still is). I went along to a Maggie's Centre and found a lot of support and understanding - as well as endless cups of tea and free biscuits !
I told a counsellor there that I felt bad because I wasn't coping, even though my cancer journey wasn't as hard as a lot of people's, who seem to cope better.
I was gently encouraged to think differently. No one wants to be told they have cancer. It's shocking news. Everyone has their lives turned upside by it. All your plans for the year fly out the window, and you find yourself traipsing from one hospital appointment to another. At best it's not normal; at worst it's traumatic.
As other folk have said here, unless you've been through this, it is hard, if not impossible, to understand the impact cancer and its treatment have on our mental and physical health, long after "the main event" is "over."
Someone at the Maggie's Centre in Edinburgh said they would like to start a course for family and friends of cancer patients. She would like to try to explain a bit about what it's like, to help people offer better support to their loved ones, and to look after themselves better. If partners were better at talking about it with their friends, perhaps they would be less stressed.
I'll try to send you a link to a well-known article by Dr Peter Harvey.
Meanwhile, let's be kind to ourselves and give ourselves a pat on the back "just" for getting through each day.
Sending you virtual hugs 
