Marriage Strain

i think he is probably worrying about losing you and wanting someone to take care of him is a way to deal?

i hope he comes around and you get him back hugs, 

i know mine has had a hard time dealing and he got supprt through his family 

sending more hugs, 

Just want to send you a . I can't say anything to help but just want you to know you're not on your own

Dearest HopefulS ,

Firstly, I am sorry you find yourself here - the place none of us wanted to come to..... however, you will find the support here brilliant - because if I'm honest no one really understands this feeling other than people that have had 'those words' said to them..... and boy does it know you for 6 and some more.

These are very early days for you (well for both of you) and thinking about the way we all handle things differently - having your operation on the 14th February - will be a date that you both will remember for evermore - the date would be in your mind forever but sharing it with Valentines Day it will also be in your hubby's mind too - whereas a different date would maybe only stay in your mind (I know my other half wouldn't have a clue at the date - but if it was Valentines I 'think' he would remember).

We are all different with our feelings and emotions - my hubby went to the other extreme .... as soon as operation was done he was like thats it - lets move forward and for the most behaved like it had never happened (I was still trying to come to terms with it all and in a way felt hurt that he would just dismiss it - I don't know if this was good or bad.... I think I felt it more because I was also burying my head in the sand as to what had just happened and no matter how much I pretended it was always there in my mind).

Also, i do believe and I have said it many times on here - I believe we have to deal with the grief of loosing the person we was, the person we have been all our life - I truly think hearing those words changes us - we have no preparation 'we hear those words' and there's no turning back - we get on the roller coaster ride, the ups and downs, the appointments, the waiting on results - all whilst trying to keep ourself together......

So when the person we trust the most, the one that we think is there through better and worse - when they suddenly behave different we can't understand it - its us going through it not them...... but what we don't fully realise they are going though it and they don't know what to do for the best - if they are one way we might want them the other way, if they behave in a different way then if might not be what we want - lets face it 'we are all mixed up and scared and both even putting a face on to each other'.

You say your hubby has had previous mental health issues ..... so this chapter of your lives as possibly trigger his 'bad place' to come to the top and now he is trying to sort himself out (yes, from our side we will think its about what we have going on and its not his time to be like this - but he couldn't control it last time, so he won't be able to this time only this time he might not come to your for help as he feels you have enough going on - whilst you are thinking he doesn't care or isn't bothered .... when deep down he is scared for you and for him.

I personal feel 'feeling alone' is part of this diagnosis - because we know no matter what anyone says to us 'it is us going through this - we are in for want of better words alone' ..... however I think because of how your hubby is - you might not have realised no matter what he does or how he treats you - until you get further into this journey you will always feel alone ....... that is until you found us .....

Post on this site any worries, any questions, any concerns - because between us all I doubt there is much we have come across or felt.

"YOU ARE NOT ALONE - You have found a bunch of crazy friends that understand.

As for any advice.... my first thoughts are talk to him, include his illness in it and reassure him that you are both going to get through this - tell him as much as you will love and care for him and reassure him - you need the same love and care and reassurance back from him. That you are a team and you will get though this 'together'

PS if you have trouble sleeping or feel you need the support of us 'Fruit Loops' - I'll attach a link to the page called "AWAKE" - its where we all tend to go for a chat, advise, a laugh or even a cry - you will be made most welcome if you come in.

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/breast-cancer-forum/f/general/128753/awake/1987815

I hope I've helped in some way - please remember you are not alone - we are all here for you xx 

Hi HopefulS,

None of us wants to be here, we all want our lives back, we want who and what we were before cancer diagnosis back, but it is what it is... I haven't been exactly through what you are going through, but right after I finished my radiotherapy which followed chemotherapy and surgery before that, my husband of 27 years had a heart attack (a week ago!). Thank god it was a mild one, but after all the scans and tests, he is waiting now for an open heart surgery and a heart bypass. It never rains, but it pours... My best advice, stay calm and positive as much as you can, try your hardest to do that! Try not to panic and stay level headed - this is what helped me and is helping me to cope with everything. You are not alone, we are here for you. Big hug,

Lana xx

Sending you big hugs and much love. I speak from experience when I say the strain that you are both under is life changing.  Just take each day as it comes, allow yourself to feel what you feel and for your husband to do the same. Once he has processed it I’m sure he will improve. In my experience it brings you together in the end. 
you are not alone x

Oh wow you have been so generous with your time and giving so much advice and encouragement. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I needed this xx

Oh gosh I am so sorry to hear about your husband. As you say it never rains but it pours! I’m hope things progress quickly fit him, and I hope you are recovering too, 

thsnk you for your advice xx

Sorry to hear of your diagnosis and that you find yourself here, although very supportive.

I can't offer a solution being long separated, but mine never coped with any illness however extreme.... I think that is the process for most men. 

But you do need your loved one around you and I hope they all come to realise that.  Although I know it is not easy for those with mental health problems either.

So I wish you well