Scared and angry with myself

Hi Ponty, sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I know how you feel. I have had 2 ops (lumpectomy & sentinel node & then a further op to remove all lymph nodes) and had some positive lymph nodes. It’s scary and I too am worried it has spread further. I have an chemo oncology appointment soon and I am hoping I can have a scan to check everything out. My family are very supportive and so are my friends and work colleagues. The MacMillan online forums are a great way to talk to other people who are also going through the same or similar journeys. They can offer support and tell you about their experiences as everyone is so different. You can also write your biography too, if you click on peoples names some have added their journey there. This can help so people can see what you have been going through and thoughts and feelings.
I have days when I feel like crap, but then I remember I’m still here and my treatment journey has begun. Keep thinking positive and once a plan is in place it will help to make things easier. 
Good luck for the next part of your journey, 1 stage at a time. 
Hugs from cuffcake x x x x x

Hello, 

I completely understand, as I have had these thoughts too. I am really sorry that you have had a diagnosis. I posted something about feeling very bad about myself a few months ago. I will try and find the title of the post in a moment. In the end, I realised that it was spoiling the time that I have. There is nothing I can do about the past, but my response to today, and tomorrow, is something I can control (to a certain extent). Also, worrying about spread and recurrence is something that affects almost all of us, either daily, or every now and again. For me it is daily, although admittedly it is less raw nowadays. I am 14 months post primary treatment (6 months chemo, mastectomy and axillary clearance, 15 sessions radiotherapy, now anastrazole and zelondronic acid). Only yesterday, I heard about 2 sudden deaths of two local people in their 50s. Not cancer. One was a brain haemorrhage. Horrid, and such a shock. I am older than you (61), but it is slowly dawning on me and personally (appreciate that this will likely not help you) that life is a bit of a lottery, and things can happen to anyone, at anytime. However, I, and others on this forum have been where you are now. This forum is always open, and there is always someone with a kind, empathetic reply so that you don’t feel alone. X

Ps. Unfortunately I can’t find my post. But hopefully you will receive similar lovely replies that people posted for me. X

Hi Ponty,

So sorry to hear about your diagnosis! I was diagnosed in March this year which turned out to be stage 3 breast cancer! I had a big lump that popped out of now where and my nipple started into invert after my diagnosis. 

I went for a ct scan at one stage as it was found in at least 4 nodes at that point  and I felt every little ache and pain in my body at the time. Anxiety affects your body in strange ways too so please try not to worry and stay positive. It’s the mental torture that gets you more than anything so be kind to yourself you’ll get through it no matter what. I have 2 young kids so totally understand what you’re going through. Make sure you’re talking it through with friends and family. 

it’s not great but very treatable so be positive you’ll get it dealt with and be able to move on! As cuffcake says definitely one stage at a time.

Katie

xxx

Thanks.

I read somewhere that once it’s on the nodes it not curable only treatable. How do you get through every day? I don’t want to die but I wish I wasn’t here right now

That’s simply not true.  I have family members who had cancer which had spread to their lymph nodes in the 1970s and they’re still alive and kicking!  Treatments today are much more effective 

Thank you so much. I think I’m getting carried away on Google 

Hi, that is definitely not true. Spread to the nearby lymph nodes viewed as curable by the medical community. There are lots of people on here who had spread to quite a few nodes, but are still alive (and no recurrence) many years later. Hopefully, one or two will see your post and will come on with their thoughts. Also, no node involvement is not not a guarantee that it won’t come back. Node involvement is one way that cancer can circulate, but it is not the only way. I learnt that through this forum. 

Also, the survival / recurrence rates that you see when googling are often at least 5 years old, because that’s how the studies operate. So they don’t take into account some of the more recent treatment developments and improved survival rates. Sharon1961 is right, treatments today are improved, and are still improving. 

Hi Ponty, 

I understand completely what you are feeling. I felt something wasn’t right 2 years earlier to my dx, My gp did send me to the breast clinic but a mammogram showed nothing ( I had lobular bc which doesn’t always show) and the breast surgeon was very patronising and told me to rub on some oil of primrose lotion on if it felt different. I went away feeling an idiot for having bothered them. Two years later I was dx with 14 out of 18 lymph nodes affected and a 53mm tumour. Initially they said a 20mm lump but did not realise the extent of the spread till the op. I was 43 at the time and this was 2016. Actually it was 14th November that I got confirmation that it was bc - so just over 6 years ago. 
So I had several nodes affected and I am doing well. Oh and please realise that asking Dr Google is not a good idea! Out of date info and often people post about the bad stories not the more positive ones!! 
Cwtches, 

Gay xxx

Plus I kept on telling myself not to worry about things I couldn’t control. If they do find anything then they can start to treat it.