The wauting is devastating!

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Hello,

I am mess, and I apologise for it all!

I am not coping well at all with the shock I went threw yesterday at the Royal Marsden...

What should of been the usual Rapid check which I have done 4 times now previously, having Fibrocystic Breast Disease I done a good few ultrasounds now.

But this time yesterday was the one time, I took no one, told few and in honest wasn't too worried about. The irony! I did find odd they saw me straight away, usually i would wait ages and they already knew who i was. But as the scanning began, it just felt like eternity with silence.. which was not like my previous scans. As time went on I just knew in my gut and almost started to panic on the table, but talking my way threw it at the staff to play it cool. Then the nurse beside me moved and began getting things out, and i felt utterly broken there and I couldnt ask or have the abiility to show my true feelings.

Then they just stopped and listened to me for a while, i talked about my job, my two kids and the future. Getting a new job next year, taken 6 months off for the first time ever to be a mum! Their faces! They looked so sad for me, then they said there are actually multiple cysts in their. Like a few she seemed surprised even saying it, but under it all there was a solid lump it we need to do this now. So I was arm up talked threw the biopsy procedure & needle aspiration.

I found the guts to ask the size, she said guessing roughly 1cm and 1cm in depth? But unsure and i think it was just a kindness at this point.

I done the procedure and she wanted me back in a week to go over the results...a week!! She tried to say about it looks as it could be a fibrodema sorry i can't really spell knew to this but she seem to be wrestling with the idea.

It was just such a shock, i looked at it on the screen in the end and looked at the light pink fluid in the tubes she collected.

I can't stop crying! I have a 4 year old who just got over her reconstructive skull surgery, I have a 13 year old with Autism whom i have done soo much with. I finally quit my job and went i deserve a rest now, and I was so excited to spend 6 months with the kids.

But I am a mess, the waiting is killing me esp as i did not like how they reacted yesterday. I feel like I am gearing up for really bad news, like the incurable kind. I'm strong women I have been threw hell for 13 years and I've always got on but I am not getting on with this. Im so tired, i can't stop thinking every ache, chronic pain, repeat chest infection over three years, to asthma suddenly 2 years ago, to period issues this year...was it breast cancer the whole time??

I feel to blame, i should of pushed more, i feel everything and i feel ashamed to admit I'm not okay.

Lynsey over 3 years ago

I can really empathise with your situation. I have just been diagnosed with triple negative cancer after having a biopsy after finding a lump that is 4 cm in my breast and a suspicions lump in my arpit I need rebiopsied as the results weren’t clear. I have just broken up for the summer holidays with my 12 year old and 6 year old. I am petrified. I feel it has spread I am constantly thinking I’going to be told it is secondary and I have so long to live it is excruciating

Grogg over 3 years ago

And breathe and stop planning your funeral. IF it is breast cancer it's very treatable but you don't know this yet.

In 2015 I was recalled from my first routine mammogram and had biopsy of 2 areas. One 10mm and one 5mm. I was given appointment for results, good or bad, a week later as that is how the clinic operated. A week alter told the larger area intermediate grade DCIS and the second area benign. I then had surgery a few weeks later to remove area and it was upgraded to 11mm high grade DCIS. I then had 15 sessions of radiotherapy and yearly monitoring. Had a few scares over the years with a biopsy on "good" breast at year 3 review which was thankfully all ok. In November 2021 I was called for my first 3 year routine scan having finished my 5 year annual monitoring in 2020. I was recalled again and it was like de ja vu but thankfully they just wanted to do more magnified scans to check stability of calcifications picked up 6 years previously. All good.

The waiting for results is the worst part where we go through every worse case scenario. My breast clinics did not allow you to be accompanied by anyone, always been patients only in scan/test area though I was allowed to be accompanied for my results.

So here I am 7 years on from diagnosis, still annoying my husband and daughter xx

Daisy53 over 3 years ago

Hi Zwebby88

Welcome to the forum and I am sorry you find yourself on here. You have absolutely no need to feel ashamed to admit that you aren’t okay and your not to blame either for not pushing more,it’s perfectly understandable how you are feeling. You are not alone in feeling like that. When I first found a lump in my left breast I waited for a week to get it checked out and I got a shock when they told me there was something suspicious under my arm pit as I wasn’t expecting that.

The wit for results is the worst thing about this journey, but once you have your results thing should start looking up.

Wishing you the best of luck with your results next week.

Best wishes

Daisy53

Daisy53 over 3 years ago in reply to Lynsey

Hi Lynsey

Welcome to the forum and sorry to hear that you have been diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer.

Best of luck with the re biopsy of your arm pit and with your treatment when it starts.

Best wishes

Daisy53

Zwebby88 over 3 years ago in reply to Grogg

Thank you Carol, I really needed that little shake.

And thank you for telling me your journey, what a 6 years!! I'm glad to hear your doing great and it made me smile your last bit.

It is the waiting, I saw my mum today and decided to just tell her all i was thinking and feeling. She is a nurse of 46 years, she use to work at the marsden and as much as their were tears today. I walked back into my home tonight for the first time in days, with prospective...I feel abit lifted and calm again. God i needed that just to say it and have a cry.

Let's see what the results are just take it from there, thank you for taking the time to talk to me. Xx

Zwebby88 over 3 years ago in reply to Lynsey

Lynsey I am so sorry what you are going threw, it's awful isnt it?

You alway's know the risk is there with these boobies, but until it happens to you there is just no explaining in the world to what it is actually like.

I decided to let it play out my emotions instead of bottling it up and carry my worry daily, I just decided to cry when i want to and say what i am thinking. It has actually really helped, I've noticed small things like doing fun things with my kids and cleaning seems to take my mind completely of it today. Almost feel laying here i'm okay you got this!

You got this lovely!! And when you feel you dont i am alway's here to listen if you need it. Xx

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