First chemo next week and already arguing!

Hi, 

So sorry to hear that your partner isn't too supportive.Can one of your friends who has been through it perhaps talk to him to explain you both need to stay positive and bin any other strress on you,your treatment will be enough.It may well be he is frightened of losing you, but is frightened to put it into words.

  Your right about staying strong, and keep smiling it works,I triy to only worry about things I can control and bin the rest,yes I've got a big bin and a wonderful husband.

P.s friends rave over my new chic white grey hair with pink highlights the New me !! After being bottle blonde for about 50 years all that faffing around is also in the bin

  Onwards and upwards

     Y X

Ps good luck for your chemo

Sorry to read how difficult things are for you. I was diagnosed October with chemo starting November,  operation yet to come. I'm 3 sessions in. It's tough. I don't know how anyone does this alone although I know hundreds do. You will need your home and familiar things around you so I don't think you should be going anywhere. The reality is you won't be able to do this for everyone else,. You have to do what you need to do for you. 

It's hard to remember this just doesn't happen to us but our families too. I catch the fear in my husbands face sometimes but he's done lots of reading/ finding for himself. Much more than I have.  I just need to know what to do and I'll do it. I'm sure "normal" life will return, although it'll be new normal. He needs to understand that there is a lot to go through before you and he can get there. Is there a friend or family member who can support him.

I’m sorry you’re having so many ups and  downs with your partner, it makes it all so much harder. I can tell you’re a very caring person and probably have put him first throughout your relationship, it sounds like he’s not coping great with you not being able to do that for now but you’ve nothing to feel guilty about at all. Of course you don’t feel girlie, I’ll bet nobody on here feels that way mid treatment. Somethings you’ve said made me think about my ex husband, it was always all about him and how things affect him too. I’m sorry your not getting the support you need and hope he can start putting your needs first for now x

Hi Roku1. The feeling of guilt is natural, it can come on even when we know full well this is absolutely not our fault at all. It doesn't help when the people around us feed into it rather than say and do the things that would take it away, but as everyone else here says and I assume you already know in your head even if not in your heart, this is not your fault.

Regarding leaving him, I would consider the following: 

How strong was this relationship before cancer?

What is the basis for this relationship?

Are there children involved?

Since this is how he is reacting to a crisis now, there is a chance this could happen again if another crisis happens later in life. Am I willing to have to deal with this response from him down the line, knowing there would be little support for me? (I am not saying the answer is necessarily a No, a lot of women make a Yes as they are willing to take this on in order to keep enjoying other aspects of the relationship)

On a personal note, there was someone around me who tried to make my cancer all about themselves and they were immediately cut off from any information or conversation about my cancer, but that was not my partner an I was not relying on that person for support. Where it comes to your partner, I wonder he too is trying to make your cancer all about himself, or that the news is so hard for him to accept and digest that this is his way of coping. The way I see him and the advice I would give would vary a lot in either case. Say if you want any more on this.

One overall advice I would give though, is, don't do anything in the heat of the moment. If possible, try to work things over in your own mind so that you know that any decision  you make, stay or leave, was throughly looked at.

I do feel for you, it's such a shock for them as well as for us. My husband tried hard to laugh it off first of all, not helpful! Then got a bit sarcastic and then told me when I went bald that I had lovely ears which he's never noticed before! It's just their way of (not) coping! Or maybe a 'man' thing? We've been married like forever, so our relationship has grown and changed over the years but we've been through some very tough and hard times. If the relationship is worthwhile it will need (hard) work to survive this but can I say that you have nothing to feel guilty about as it's not your fault!  Is there maybe a 'male' forum where he can get help, sound off or find some other form of counselling?  Not that my husband would entertain any of those! I told my husband his remarks were not helpful so to be quiet or he'll feel the wrath I've never displayed before. Not sure what that would be myself as I'm pretty even tempered however that surprised him! There comes a time when we have to take care of ourselves and be strong for ourselves (to pot with the others!) selfish, no practical. It's a hard enough journey we're on. Do think of your needs and yourself first and take one day at a time. I do hope this is of some help. Wishing you all the best for the future. Gentle hug.

ROKU1 , dont know where to start, I am a very honest person and had a partner in the past that wasn't very compassionate and I am so glad I dumped him, ..today I am so happy with the man j married he told mat the start of this that he didn't care if I have no breasts ,and on Wednesday when my hair all got shave off he just hugged me and said he loves it. I know we don't all have the same families,  but if he really loves you and you want him to support you then I think you both could do with counselling to help you both through..you'll have more good days than bad on chemo. You can get plenty of wigs these days  and also will be provided with boobs from macmillan I just ordered a set of eyebrow stencils from Avon and you can also get magnetic eyelashes, this will all help you on you'd journey. I hope yous m ake it through together , you are under enough stress yourself and all you want is support from your partner..

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply  I really do appreciate it.

You're all so right in what you say, and I agree with you all.  I think time is going to tell where we go from here.  I think reality may actually hit home for him in the next few weeks or months.  I have a great supportive family (although i've told them all I don't need any support, I can.do this on my own, too independent and headstrong for my own good! )

My sister told me I need to think of at least one positive thing a day, so that's what I'm doing and in actual fact it's surprising how many more than 1 there is

Thanks ladies for the girly tips and for the suggestion of binning certain things definitely going to do that

This bottle blonde who has been for many years is going to start looking for some wigs, might even go for a change and have a pink mohican

As for my partner, we'll see, you're right this is about me for a change and that's who I'm going to concentrate on.

Thank you again you beautiful ladies, healing hugs and love