Six months in and I'm scared

Hi,

I was diagnosed just before my 60th in October.  3 days before my birthday, I was having surgery to remove 2.5cm tumour and node clearance.  Quite a different birthday to what we had planned. 

My breast  has definitely altered inasmuch as indented area where scar is and about half a cup size smaller.  I too am finding these posts really useful, if not just to compare experiences and know that you are not alone.   

I know what you mean when professionals ask such like questions, especially when they asked me about entering a study to analyse whether my cancer really needed chemotherapy (my oncologist prescribed 8 sessions). Up until this point I had accepted that Chemo was going to be part of my treatment, because the cancer had travelled to lymph nodes.  Therefore, when he asked me -  it threw me into a proper turmoil! What if the test came back that I didn't need chemo....but really I did??  At the meeting my husband asked 'What would you advise your wife or daughter to do?'' Understandably he couldn't advise.

After a long deliberation I decided to be entered for the study and I was one of the lucky ones and my results were that chemo wouldn't be beneficial, so I was put into a group whereby treatment would continue WITHOUT chemo.  I received this news 23rd December.  Mixed emotions especially when my friend (a former oncology nurse) implored me to take the chemo, but I looked hard at all the research and studies that had taken place, and decided that the test had been proven as quite reliable and worth the risk.

Anyway, here I am now on Letrozole, I've had bone infusion treatment Zoledronic Acid and today had my 5th session of radiotherapy (10 more to go).

I keep thinking how lucky I am that I went for that Mammogram and it was found otherwise, I hate to think where it would be now! I didn't have any symptoms and didn't feel any lumps or bumps.  I am also thankful for the fantastic team at the Breast Care Clinic at Worthing hospital and also for forums like these, that allow to vent, share and generally comfort each other.

I hope your surgery goes well, keep strong and just know its ok to be scared, and you getting the pre op paperwork is confirmation that this thing is real and is happening to you.  Take all the support you can, cry when you want and reach out when you need.  

Very best wishes to you and because we were unable to celebrate our 60th in 2020, we should make sure we do it properly in 2021.  Ohh that means were only 59! YAY!

Thank you very much for your email - it made me smile and feel not so alone. How are you finding the Letrozole - any side effects? HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY! Yes let's just stick at 59.

HI moocow
I think you 'hit the nail on the head' when you said 'not physically, but I'm scared'  I am 4 years post diagnosis in June and I can remember that feeling.  The whole world is ripped from under your feet and suddenly you are facing the word cancer and what it means.  This has probably been delayed for you because you didn't have the op. straight away. 

I was diagnosed at 51 and had lost my parents 2 and 4 years previously.  My friends were "So and so had it and was ok" and my partner (we don't live together) was no support whatsoever.  Even during my appointment with the surgeon when they confirmed it was cancer, he took a phone call about work, I could have killed him! Then on the walk back to the car he rang his friend and told him.  (I think he liked the drama tbh). I was still trying to get my head around it before I told my friends and he was blurting it out to all and sundry.  He then carried on as 'normal' as if it was nothing, so I think everyone's reaction is different. I can remember clearly thinking, "nothing is the same, why are you just telling me about your day at work when I have cancer?"  So, make the most of your friends being ultra supportive   It's highly likely that after a while, they'll just forget about it and that's good because eventually, so too, will you as time begins to pass.  Well, not forget, but I can assure you that there are times when I don't think about it at all.  I had already resigned myself to the fact that it was cancer from what the nurse had said at my callback scans from the initial mammogram, so I was quite accepting when the surgeon told me.  I think she was surprised at my lack of reaction and moved her chair closer, so she was really in my space and said "do you understand what I'm telling you, that you have cancer?" in a really sympathetic voice.  I think if I'd been upset she would have been more matter of fact, so they tend to react to how you are reacting I think. 

People who've not had cancer, won't understand the mental impact it has and they really don't know what you need to hear, which is why this forum is so, so good!

I have been a vegetarian since 15, but largely only ate processed food, so gave that up - but I read that good foods for ER+ breast cancer are broccoli and almonds (amongst others) and I now get through a couple of broccoli a week and have almonds daily too.  I also don't drink much milk any more as I figured that cows are fed oestrogen, so presumed it may be in the milk. I mostly have oat milk now, but don't take any vitamins - except for the prescribed Vit D and Calcium (for bones due to the ER reducing tablets).  I had my DEXA scan for bones at the start and my 3 year scan showed no change, so they are obviously working.  I think, if you are having a good balanced diet, then you should be getting all the vitamins you need from your food.

Good luck with your operation on Wednesday, I had my lumpectomy (wide local excision) op at 4.30pm and was home by 7.30pm - pretty impressive eh?  I had 80mm removed (3 areas - 25mm cancer, 54mm DCIS)..  Make sure you do your exercises and don't expect it to be healed quickly - it was actually a year after radiotherapy, that I realised my breast didn't hurt when I lifted things with that arm.

If it's any help, to get your 'head around it', I tried to think of it as just another operation,rather than thinking of it as cancer and it really helped me.

Best wishes to you,

Lesley x

Hi,  That's good, I'm grateful for forums like this. It's difficult to say if I am having side effects, I know I am finding sleep more difficult I find that some nights I am lying awake for 2 hours before I go to sleep and if I do get to sleep straight away I'm awake at 3 am and more often than not, I get up then, have a cuppa and end up watching some random film on tv!  I'm trying hard not to do that though, my daughter told me to get up and do some household chores instead so I don't get used to having a 'treat' by watching some guilty pleasure tv

I also find that I cry a lot easier at things - I think I even had a blart at Supermarket Sweep, when they just missed out on grabbing a beach ball!   I'm also a little less tolerant in Zoom quizzes when I think someone isn't playing by the rules.  Jeepers, I sound like a right misery don't I?

All of the above could be down to the whirlwind I feel I've been in for the last 4 months though and when I read through the side effects of the other treatments I'm having there is a little of the above in all of them.  I think that's why I am easy with my decision not to return to work just yet.  This way I can get all of these emotions, treatments and procedures out of the way without having to think about anything but myself, family and recovery.

Right time for Loose Women now, see if I can get through it without crying or wanting to throw something at the TV!

Good to chat, 

Sheila x