Hello and bras

Hi  and a very warm welcome to the forum. Good that everything is moving forwards for you but scary too, hopefully you’ll find lots of support here as well as shared experiences. 
Regarding supporting your kids, mine were 22 and 24 so older than your youngest, but I was pretty factual with them without going into every detail. I did emphasise all the ‘positive’ aspects - early stage, very treatable, good prognosis - rather than dwelling on any darker thoughts I might be having. It’s all hard though, and you do need an outlet other than family as I thibk we all naturally try to protect their feelings so sometimes squash our own away. That’s what’s helped so much having this forum where we don’t have to ‘pretend’. 
Bras wise I’m sure many will pop in with suggestions. For myself, I went to a local independent shop which sold Royce front opening post op bras and loved them. I got 2 before my lumpectomy and wore them from the day of my op and for about 6 months after. They were soft and easy to put on especially when I was very tender post surgery. However I ditched them temporarily during radiotherapy and just used a crop top as I was getting very red under my boob. They’re available online, I was advised to go up a size but keep the same cup and this worked for me. 
It’s worth researching, some people swear by Asda bras and others M and S. 
Good luck with it all, will be thinking of you on the 12th, sending love and a big virtual hug, HFxx

And just to add, I got the ones with poppers at the front rather than a zip. Xx

Helo BexBlue.  Glad you are feeling supported.  May I suggest with your younger son he may find it easier to talk to you or other family/friends by text message.  We have family group texts as well which I find good for saying something I want everyone to know but not sit them down to tell them.  Sometimes we all find it easir to just put it out there but don't want a full on blown discussion about it.  It's a funny thing with cancer diagnosis you find there will be people who completely over react when you tell and spend the next 30 minutes with their head tilted to one side saying how upset THEY are!!!  Then there are others who think they are being kind by dismissing it as if it's toothache and removing the offending tooth is end of matter!!  Remember it's not your job to make them feel better about your diagnosis.   It's ok to say you have been floored by being told you have the big C.  You can acknowledge that the prognosis is excellent but say you need time to mentally deal with the diagnosis  If you feel scared/shocked tell them if it will help YOU.  

I find the peope you live with cope quite well after initial shock as they see you getting on with it and that you are ok!  

Bras - what size bra do you wear.  So I wear a 36/38 G and always underwired.  I spoke with BC nurse about post surgery bras as non wired bras do not hold them up even though at the time (I was 51) my breasts were still firm (they've gone much softer in last year but I am 6 years older).  Her advice to me was to wear my underwired bras, plain and soft ones, if needed put a back expander on them (99p  on Ebay) so they were not tight as holding them up was important as my lumpectomy was on top of breast and didn't want pulling down on breast.  To wear the bra day & night, then after a couple of weeks wear the stretchy non wired, step into bras at night for a few more weeks.  I bought two cotton moulded underwired bras as very soft and I felt protective (I normally wear lace non padded bras).

Then radiotherapy. I'd say underwired are a no no as they skin can become delicate & hot (think sunburn). I bought 2 post surgery bras from Debenhams as they were so soft and cotton lined.  I struggled with sizing but I ordered about 8 for home delivery.  I think I went up a back size.  They were the best thing every during radiotheapy as they offered some support, were soft and cool and comfortable.  Didn't give a great shape so I wasn't inclinded to wear with T shirt outside house!  

If you have a smaller cup size you would probably be better avoiding underwired after surgery or if you scar will be where the wire is.

Good luck with your surgery xx

Hi 

You will get a lot of sound advice on here - in terms of bras, it might depend on where you are having your incision/where your cancer is, I wore my normal non-underwired bras after my lumpectomy, but also found wearing a vest with a bra shelf in really comfy, your surgeon may also have their own ideas on what to wear, I ended up having a mastectomy and the surgeon I had for that had me fitted for a huge front fastening bra, so worth checking. I can’t help with radiotherapy as I didn’t have that, but I do have three sons who were 20, 18 and 17 at the time. Telling them was the worst thing ever, but I was also very upfront with them. I told them I wouldn’t tell them everything but would tell them anything important , but if they wanted to ask me anything I would answer them. My story is in my profile and things didn’t go to plan for me so there was much angst at having to keep telling them on changing my treatment plans with them. I ended up having chemo and we laughed a lot at my terrible wig and gypsy scarves, and I kept positive throughout, I never let them know my dark days. My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer a month after me, he hasn’t needed treatment yet (4 years down the line) but at the time of diagnosis it was a double whammy for the kids. Luckily we are both still here and constantly appreciate how lucky we are to have each other, great families and friends who have supported us no end. 

My kids seem to have come out of this reasonably unscathed, but if you have a local cancer charity it might be worth finding out their number and giving to your husband/sons and encouraging them to contact them if they feel they need some help? My friends husband had a bowel cancer diagnosis a number of years ago and their daughter found the counselling she received invaluable.

Very best wishes for your op, please add me as a friend if you want to have a private message chat?

Jo xx

Thank you so much Jo and Carol and Hopi. I am overwhelmed by your kindness and it has released something in me and let me cry and it is such a relief!

Everyone else is still in bed so I can let it all out without having to explain or make them feel worse. 

All your advice is so helpful. One of my 'jobs' as mummy, (I'm sure others of you will be in the same boat) is to maintain everyone's spirits and monitor their mental health. If I get down, I can see it makes everyone else feel insecure and often leads my husband into an episode of depression which would just make everything worse.

So, on the surface I am all full of how it's all totally fine and I just have to go through a few procedures and then we'll all be back to normal, but in my head, I'm imagining my own funeral (I think I'd like everyone to wear something blue if they would like, but not if it's not their colour!) and worrying about how to find and delete anything negative I might have said about my husband in emails to my sister in case he finds it after I've gone and thinks I didn't love him.

I am devastated by the possibility that I night have to abandon my family and it is a huge relief to find this space where I feel I can say that without distressing the people I love. I did try telling a friend how I felt, but she rushed to minimise my fear and it actually just made me feel as if she was being scornful of my weakness even though I'm sure she really was just trying to help.

I do feel it will be easier once the lump has been removed and analysed and we know more about the prognosis as it does feel like an unknown quantity at the moment, so my mind is sometimes going to the extremes where I am dead within 6 weeks, even though I know this is a highly unlikely scenario.

Sorry I've gone on a massive ramble.

I have now ordered a bra from Nicola Jane that is front fastening and looks soft with good thick bands at the sides and underneath. My lump is at the top of my small breast, in fact it's where my breast once was before breast feeding three babies and the general ravages of time! I might order another different one so I have options...

I think the idea of using the family messaging group would work for us as it is less intense. Also, as my middle son has just gone back to uni it will mean he gets included.

Thank you again for being here - it is such a comfort to know there is somewhere I can speak openly. Thank you for the kind offer to add you as a friend Jo, I will deffo do this if I can work out how - struggling a bit to navigate this site... 

Bex xx

Hi Bex .  Glad you've managed to let it all out and have a cry!  We've all been there and done that and it does help.  I panicked when recalled from my first screening mammogram.  I could only think about my mother who died age 61 weeks after being diagnosed with bowel cancer and my sister just a month after being diagnosed with brain cancer at 58!  I thought everything comes in threes!  I'm almost 6 years down the line and the fear is still there in dark times but it doesn't consume every waking hour as it did in early days . 
I just knew you would have family/friend who thought they were helping by trivialising your fears !  I found my best support were work colleagues who had been through cancer !  They just get how you are feeling and are also positive role models of coming out the other side .  xx

Thank you Carol. Not surprised you were terrified given your family history, but so great to see that you have recovered so well.

From what you say, I guess the trivialising friends are a common issue and they mean well but I think I'll avoid opening up to all but my very closest friend and I think maybe I will reach out to someone I know who had breast cancer, even though I don't know her very well. She's a lovely, kind person and it would be nice to chat to someone who has been through it.

Thank you so much for your support - I think you probably do understand how much it means which is why you're here helping people like me xx

Hi Jo

I am such a div that, having poked about I still can't work out how to add friends and how to private message - would you mind talking me through it please? Thank you

Bex 

To add friend click on if on PC hover on name and click on "request friendship"  once they accept you get a notification and can message them 

Hi.