emotions TW anger

Hi Paula

That wasn’t a depressing post, so please don’t apologise. It was a real post about real feelings which are best to get out however you wish. 

I don’t know how to phrase this, so hope it doesn’t all come out wrong. This is genuinely meant with love and support, but cancer will only stop you getting your degree if you let it. I started running and the gym a few months before being diagnosed and was training for a half marathon. This was a huge thing for me as it was meant to symbolise getting to the end of a really tough period and the start of a new, healthy life. I was feeling brilliant for the first time in years, life was great, and then cancer came along and ruined everything I had worked so hard for. Like you, I was furious as this hadn’t been part of my plan! So unfair! I didn’t do the race as I was too upset, lost my motivation and slacked off training. Then I had surgery and was worried about doing too much and causing any harm. Then I was worried about lifting anything because of lympodaema. Then I worried about any one of all the other things you read about. But, at some point, I thought “forget this” (or words to that effect!) and decided enough was enough and I wasn’t allowing cancer to influence anything in my life any more. I will lift the weights. I will (and did) run the half marathon. I’m not advocating recklessness, and of course everything is in the context of keeping yourself safe and following medical advice, but this doesn’t have to affect the things you want in life. It’s still early days, you just need a little time to rest and recover first. But after that, at some point, you will get your momentum back too and you can and will go and get your degree if you want it. Cancer has taken enough from us already, don’t allow it to take that. x  

I just wanted to say I hear you! And I feel you. Had my first radiotherapy session today- 14 to go. I’m so angry that this is happening over Christmas, that this is happening at all. Just livid! 
You have a perfect right to feel angry- and if there is someone close to you who you can share this with- that may be helpful. 
wishing you all the very best x 

I totally get it, feel it and understand it. X

Yes, I too, totally ‘get it’, cancer really is pants and an uninvited beast to wreck lives. 

Hope you’re a touch less angry, having been able to vent? 

Sending understanding and a hug xxx

Hiya

Today is one year since starting chemotherapy and reading your post has bought so much back to me. I remember the red hot anger I felt at the start which would come out of nowhere. My husband would look at me like who is this person? It was so unlike me but that was comparing to the old me which is not who I am now.  All my emotions were in overdrive and although a lot has changed now, I still have run the gamut of despair, a deep sadness, and a sense of this not happening to me but someone else. I am now part of a support group and this has helped me a lot. I am not a natural joiner as I lack self confidence but I'm glad I made the move to join as when I see a new member of the group with a rabbits in headlights look, I remember how I felt. The great thing about the group is no one has to explain how we feel and why we feel that way we all just 'get it' . We definitely don't talk about being brave but stuff that lifts us as we all know how cr** Cancer is.

I studied for a degree in my thirties and know how tough the work can be but don't worry about deferring it. It will always be there and in time to come you might feel its time to return.  xx

Oooooo yeah feel you sister!!!!!!

Interestingly if you can get your hands on the “stages of grief” adapted for “stages of cancer diagnosis” graph from the breast cancer now moving forward course you will see it right there…… ANGER…… along with all the other fun emotional stuff that you move through……. Remember it’s just a stage……a very very real one….. along with disbelief/ anxiety/ acceptance/ moving forward etc 

I do feel we are forever changed though……