Partner's attitide

Hi

im newly diagnosed and haven’t even started treatment. My partner’s support is the thing I’m really worried about! I have been so anxious I couldn’t even eat. I had a CT scan to see if it had spread and as he’s self employed and was due to be working away he would not cancel this to be with me for what could have been life changing results. I was devastated by this. Luckily it was clear but it might not have been. He now thinks all is ok and doesn’t understand why I’m still anxious. I honestly think he believes this is going to be similar to having a boob job. He said I need to be positive and not all doom and gloom! So I feel your pain and frustration! At the moment I need him and hope he will step up but if I get through this and feel afterwards that I’ve been let down and hurt I will need to reassess my relationship. 

Hi

I'm sorry you are going through this 

My story is a little different. My husband has been there from the start. Even when I'm breaking down and in a complete mess, he's there. Despite his own health issues he seems to know when I need him.

He confirmed when I found the lump. He went to every appointment and even waited 11 hours in a hospital we didn't know while I was operated on. We have shared tears and relief at the diagnosis and both stood in a waiting room corridor and broke down when I got the physical all clear. Sadly he couldn't come to my 1st chemo session but he was in hospital himself on that day.

Dealt with me when I was a complete mess. Brought a couple of wigs to try and says I'm still beautiful despite losing my hair and body changes.

We have found honesty and communication is the key. Your partner might be scared witless as much as you are right now.

I know hubby feels helpless at times as well as other family members.

I feel very selfish at times that my health overshadows what he's going through. He hasn't let me give up on the dark days. And even helped me shower when I'm at my most vulnerable state.

I do hope that you get through this and get the personal attention you so need. I have found this a great community for support. 

Hi, I have the support of an amazing husband of over 25 years, so difficult for me to imagine, but I also know for some people it can be very hard to deal with someone they love going through this.  I guess we're all different and react in different ways, but so hard for you not to have the empathy you need.

There is some info in these resources from Macmillan that you might find useful Link to info and I hope things get better for you. Best wishes 

Mine uses 'the doom & gloom' comment too! I really hope your partner becomes more supportive. It's so hard when you get shutdown all the time & it makes you withdraw.

He sounds absolutely lovely!

When I was first diagnosed i was in a worried state about so much, how I would cope, was I going to die, losing hair, both breasts…husband just didn’t get it and I had responses ‘it’s only hair it will grow back’. I felt so unsupported that I dropped him off after the diagnosis appointment and drove off stopping at the road side,  to sob my heart out on my own and felt the loneliest I have ever been in my life. I told him I wasn’t returning home, he didn’t care about me and I felt totally unsupported.

Later that evening, I returned home knowing he had headed off to work and was very surprised an hour later with him walking through the front door,  telling me he’s spoken to his boss and had broke down telling his boss he was taking 6 months off work to look after me. We hugged, he apologised and stated he was struggling to cope,  was scared and didn’t know what to do or say.

We forget the cancer diagnosis doesn’t just affect us, but our loved ones too. We all cope differently. It also took him longer for him to get his head around the diagnosis, fears and plan for the unknown steps ahead.

This will either make or break you possibly, as I do feel that  stressful situations such as this can create a strain on your relationship never encountered before. 

Give him time to digest this info and he may not react as you’d like ( lots of men are not good with emotional support or talking about fears ) and even though he makes comments you feel are inappropriate or unsympathetic, underneath he is probably trying to brush it under the carpet as he is struggling to cope or face reality himself. We all cope differently remember.

 I never thought or ever wanted my husband to be showering me, changing bloodied dressings and timing my medications night and day, even seeing me in a way I would never want anyone to see my body in such a mess. However, when the time comes you’d be surprised how people come up trumps. I wish you well in your journey of recovery, I’m 8 months since end of chemo and I have to say it all went very quickly looking back. You can do this , you’re stronger than you think! 

That's a lovely story. And it's great that your in recovery.

Mine wanted to be there but I know he was breaking inside and at times I felt alone and in a dark place. Didn't want to open up but it was times like that we would just sit and cry. Men deal with feelings very different to women x

Thank you for reply. I'm so glad your partner came through for you. Unfortunately, I think I have to accept that, although we're been together a very long time, that we had too many issues in our relationship already to weather this & the subsequent (unrelated) health problems I've had. My partner is younger than me & very healthy & it's clear to me that he feels trapped, especially as he is also dependent on me financially.

Good God im glad i read this! My husband is having the exact same attitude,saying i look fit and healthy. Just two weeks ago my treatments ended and he expects me to be back to normal! Doesnt understand the after affects and timescale of treatment and emotional issues. Hes now saying he feels i am waiting for it to come back. Cancer is a very lonely place unless youve had it :-( 

My heart goes out to you and the ladies (and men with struggling partners). 

Hearing stories like this does make me wonder if they ever did come to terms with the diagnosis and treatment and recovery involved in such a life devastating event and almost like the stages of bereavement?? With toxic positivity thrown in.

Just a thought. I may be way off the mark!! x