Here i go again

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Hi, havent posted for a while,, however 10 years on thinking all was well, and still on Letrozole, had my 3 yearly breast screen 2 weeks ago, and today received a letter to come in for further investigations, at an assessment clinic,, apparently 4 in 100 are called in where they have to look again, doesnt help that my husband is going in for a pre op next week as he has just found out he has a tumour on his bladder, and that it needs to be removed, we dont know if that is cancer as yet, although we are told 98% are, and i thought i was ok,, and now ive got this letter, and im a mess.. i cant do this again.. why, have i been that awful in a previous life to get this letter,, told my husband to chuck the letrozole away, as they are obviously not working... ive now got to go in to clinic on 24th june, for further assessments, poss more mammograms, poss biopsy, so now im waiting til then worrying myself stupid all over again, planning how to  put my life in order,, and i know this all sounds silly but i cant be doing this again... so im looking maybe for someone to tell me to stop being stupid,,, and i know i shouldnt ponder on it but now its back in there,,, 

  • I can only imagine how you feel right now. You’ve got so much going on and this just adds to the stress and worry. Some women get called back even if it’s not cancer but they want to be 100% sure to know whatever has shown it can be diagnosed and dealt with and thank god they are thorough I say!! Your going to worry id be the same as  I find it’s worse thinking the worse than being diagnosed and knowing what’s wrong that needs to be put right. I’m sure the last time you had to go through your cancer journey you initially felt you couldn’t do it… but you did! Your stronger than you realise, we do find the strength to deal with so much we feel unable to deal with lots of times in our lives. Massive hug for you and whatever the outcome there is always someone here to listen to you and support you throughout . Best of luck and fingers crossed it’s not nowhere as bad as you imagine it’s going to be 

  • Hi Kargus,

    Im so sorry to learn you are going through all this again. I had a lumpectomy and some lymph nodes removed two months ago and that was scary enough, so I understand to some extent what you are going through.

    I know you probably don’t want to hear the words ‘stay strong’ and ‘be positive’ all the time, but take the resilience and strength you had last time and use it again. One thing I had learned going on this journey, is that we are all amazing ladies with incredible courage and although you may not realise it, I think you are too.

    By the way, you are not silly and nothing you say will be thought of as stupid - just brave enough to come on here and express how you feel, for which I applaud you.

    I do a daily diary which I find mega helpful, as it gets everything off your chest and out of your system. Also if I cant sleep or need calm, I listen to a meditation podcast, I use ‘Go Gently’ by Christine Elizabeth Smith, it a greatly help to me.

    Please come here to natter at anytime, we’re not a bad shower. 

    Take care and sending big hugs to you.xxx

  • Hi, I haven't posted for a while either. After a recurrence last year I have been what I suppose is stable. Had a CT abdomen+ thorax yesterday which I actually had been looking forward to! I was geared up to getting a clean bill of health, i.e. doing the positive thinking bit. Now I am a total mess. I have no results yet. Nothing has changed since last week except my mindset. Last week the glass was half full. Now it's half empty. Seems like our anxieties are taking over right now my but maybe we shouldn't jump to conclusions. These checks we have to go through are designed to help us and if there is anything there, the docs can jump on it. I am trying to get through the waiting time as best I can. It's pretty lonely because I can't confide in anyone because I don't want to burden anyone with my problems or maybe even scare them off. Don't know how you feel about that. You've got 11 days to go. For me it's roughly the same. Just don't abandon hope and assume the worst. You're not being stupid. It's a terrible feeling but don't give up and throw away your pills before you have certainty. Once you know what's going on you move on to a new strategy. All the best. Hugs, Ulla xx

  • Hi Ulla, you are right,, GP rang me today on a totally different thing ie asking how i was, as im on under active thyroid tablets too, last blood test apparently was normal which is a first after having bloods done every 8 weeks and tweaking the meds from 100mg to 125 then back down again like a yoyo so for the bloods to be normal, i was shocked, didnt believe so i dont have to have bloods again for 6 months.. however when she asked me if i was ok,, i broke down abit, and explained everything and she is getting the wellbeing team to call on me regularly to see how things are going and how i am.. which i thought was good.. however,, i got made redundant after 24.5 years, and was lucky enough to get another role in the same place, which ive only been doing for 2 months, so to have to tell my new boss who is great, about hubby yesterday at our team meeting, to now have to tell him about my letter,, is also  stressful.. and ive had to tell him now, because he goes on hol tomorrow, and is back on the monday that i have to be in clinic,  i didnt think it would be great to wait and tell him on his first day back.. And you are right about not confiding in anyone,, i have lovely friends but you dont want to burden them with all our crap thats going on.. they cant do anything to make it right anyway..and last time i did do a daily blog from diagnosis to end of treatment, and ive started that again yesterday, cos my head is not in the right place,, I just know from reading stuff about it coming back that it could have spread/matasticised etc,, in yr bones..etc,, im not ready to be told the worst.. and i know i shouldnt be thinking this but been there, done that and got the t shirt, as you all know,, and why rotten people dont get this, and its all awful thinking,, but what i put in a box which took me a long time at the back of my mind,, has now all opened up again,,  hubby is now a worst mess than he was worrying how he is going to support me when he is going through his own crap..and the letter says there will be a breast cancer nurse there to support me,, and im thinking wow,, why do i need that,, do you already know and are just putting the Ts and Is on.. sorry rambling now,, thank you all though for your kind words,, no doubt ill be back soon rambling on again.. love and hugs to all x

  • Hi all, ive now had my assessment, and after 5 more mammograms and an ultrasound, the consultant confirmed there was nothing to worry about or be concerned with, so i got the all clear and was discharged,, and im absolutely elated so much so the consultant and nurse got a hug,, Breast care nurse have to ask one question in the pre chat, of anxiety level, and her response was by looking at you , i know its very very high, i said out of 10 its a 50.. anyway, i hope you are all ok, whatever phase you are at,, good news for me,, and i wish all of you well, ill pop in from time to time again and see if i can help with anyone  xxxx

  • Hi Kargus, Great news. So pleased for you. Your head is cleared and you can get on with your life.  My results came in as well. No bone mets. So that is fine. However, my back pain is being caused by a fractured vertebra. Yeah! That I was not expecting! I have an appointment now to see if I need surgery or not. Don't know how to get there because I can only hobble for a couple of steps or otherwise crawl! I'll manage somehow. Counting my blessings. Hugs, xx