Has cancer changed us?

Hi Farmerann 

I too am having one of those nights. The mind races and prevents sleep.
Have I changed?  I don’t think so and nobody has told me I have. Unlike you, I told all my family and friends it was my way of dealing with it.  We are all different so I understand completely that you chose to only tell your husband. It was your way of handling it.  
I often get nervous about it returning but try to convince myself that the medical teams have done their best.  
Have you asked your husband in what way he thinks you have changed? We’ve been through a pretty traumatic time during our cancer journey so if we have changed a little then I think it’s most understandable.

Anyway, nice to meet you. M xx
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Dearest farmerann ,
I really don't think we are the same - and not in a bad way!

I truly believe when you hear 'that' word our lives changed forever - without even having a chance to say goodbye to the person we were.  In that instance it all changed and I honestly believe until you have 'that' word said to you no one truly knows how it feels - they don't, they don't get it and they certainly don't understand - no matter how hard they try.

I am very similar to you I haven't told my mom (although sometimes now very near to saying - I haven't told mom due to her age 90+ and to moms generation hearing 'that' word there is no chance, plus I know each day I would be reminded of it, how am I etc - when I don't want to give 'it' any strength (if this makes sense).

I told my brother and his wife along with my sister - I did not plan on telling nephews and nieces (all of which are grown up - but I just didn't want them to treat me any different) - this said next thing I know I had a text from nephews wife saying they are sorry to hear this etc etc (sister-in-law told them.... and never mentioned it to me).

I haven't got a big group of friends, in fact can count them on one hand and still have fingers spare - I told my one 'best friend' .... my life friend hahahaha what a laugh, more or less after telling her we have not spoken since! (apparently she is busy and will get in touch when things quieten down).

Going back to your question 'Are we the same people that we were?' ....

..... it seems on the outside to family and friends you haven't or they would of asked you if there was something wrong.  
Your hubby can say this because he knows something major has happened in your life - why is he saying it, is it to get to you or does he mean it in a nice way.

I do have to laugh as I have read a quote about when someone says 'you have changed' - you respond:
'yes I know and isn't it great'
'yes I know, thank you for noticing' .....

there are lots ...... now my dear mom says I have changed and asks for the 'old' me back, its a times when she is saying this I feel I need to tell her.  I think in moms eyes I have changed .... because I'm not responding to the silly things, things that would worry me in the past, now I try to find a solid answer and push forward.  I not allowing myself to be walked on (as much) etc.

As I say, I don't think we are, we lost that person the moment we got told our results.  I believe we are then pushed onto a roller coaster of a ride that we never wanted to get on - never having the chance to grieve for our old self.  I believe we look at life different - again for the better, in a way, I believe this gives us an opening into knowing life is precious and not to sweat the small situations to get on and live.

To your husband you will of changed - stronger maybe, but it has happened, slowly as treatments slow down I think then we start take in what has happened and I don't think we will ever be the carefree people that we were - this will always be in our minds, although, day by day, month by month, year by year it isn't and won't be your every thought - with time it fades but is still there.

Emmerdale was on this evening and I believe the lady has had a mastectomy /double mastectomy (I've not followed the full story line).  I said to my hubby during the break how hard it is to 'look' after the operation - before I was saying 'take it all off, taken them both off' if it will save me.  I had a lumpectomy - yet still after the operation I found it hard to look ..... I said this and hubby's reply was 'you didn't have the same thing'! Hmmmm how little do they know or how little does he understand me - I never spoke about it .... I open up years later and I get that response.  Should I of been more open - I don't know all I know is I did not want to say 'that' word and I did not want to become 'that' and then me - I wanted to stay being me .... however I am me in a different form, stronger I suppose and trying not to give a 'x' about the small stuff if that makes sense (trouble is as time goes by I think we do slip back into our old ways - I just need to find a way to keep pushing forward and to give my other half a kick up the bum to push him forward whilst he push's me forward (otherwise we will stay standing still and the new me wants to move forward with a sort of confidence that I never had before.

This post might be all over the place - I hope this helps and I hope makes sense xxx

If you or Mibby find it hard to sleep pop on the 'AWAKE' thread there are many of us popping in and out of there during the night and day - we talk about everything and anything and the knowledge in there is incredible - I'll attach a link to the thread below ....

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/breast-cancer-forum/f/general/128753/awake/1998648

Hi farmerann , lovely replies already, just thought I’d pop in and say yes for sure I’ve changed since my diagnosis. Nobody has said that to me but I do feel different. But hard to say in what way, exactly! Like Mibby , I’ve been very open about mine. The only person I didn’t tell was a very elderly dear friend, whose daughters asked me not to mention it as it would have been too upsetting for her. I was happy to follow their wishes, she was 101 at the time and although still active, was not in the best of health. 
I think my ‘changes’ are a mix of a different outlook - like WhatHappened mentioned, caring so much less about what others think and also feeling more able to say no to stuff I don’t want to do. I have quite a wide circle of friends but see a lot more of certain ones than others, as I find some so much more ‘sustaining’. I make more time for myself as I find I need calm, down time more. And I really try hard not to let the small things that don’t matter, bother me. I prioritise things that make me feel good, mainly walking! 
Thanks for starting this thread, it’s been helpful to reflect on how I’ve changed, I’m sure there’s lots more I could ramble on about but I’ll leave it there! Love and hugs, HFxx

Just had to add this article, you may well have come across it already but just in case…. I’ve found it really helpful xx

workingwithcancer.co.uk/.../After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf

So you’ll gather by now that I’ve also lost the ability to be concise or to finish anything! Having reread your post, just wanted to say also that I too think a lot about cancer and recurrence. I think I’ve almost convinced myself that at some point I’ll get a recurrence or another cancer, maybe it’s a protective thing so it won’t be such a shock if I do? Anyway, just wanted you to know you’re not alone with these thoughts. I don’t mention them to my family, only to a couple of very close friends. However I also focus on eating well and exercising (I’m mainly on the Walking back to happiness thread), walking has become a passion and my sanity saver xxx

Thanks for this topic.

I am very different person on the inside, I am at peace with everyone that is important in my life and stopped telling people what to do (specially to my young adult son).

BC teaches me to listen and often makes me very worried about my uncertain path.

Owww HappyFeet1 you have made me laugh..... I have lost the ability to be concise or finish anything and more so even forget what I have wrote and write it again..... to the point that I have added a signature to automatically be at the bottom my posts......

One thing that I would so like to master is ..... to be able to speak out to my family and say things I want to say .... well more so need to say especially about my dear mum - I just know if I do then they will fall out with me .... as this will be the best and easiest of options for them - yet one of my sister-in-laws can say anything she likes and regardless of if it offends (she has a knack of turing it to that she is right and thats why she can say it).  ....

I feel I can stay some things as if they did fall out - that I might need them - if this makes sense.... owww I'm going I'm not making sense arrghhh off to make a cuppa - night night xxx

Hi lovely WhatHappened , what you say always makes sense! You write very expressively and eloquently. It’s mostly with friends that I feel more able to say no to things that I don’t want to do. With family I am more guarded but I do try to limit what I offer to do as I’m more tired, which I attribute to the Anastrozole. My relatives are mostly in Scotland and I don’t dash around there like I used to. And I ‘leave out’ visiting friends on some of my trips whereas I used to exhaust myself trying to fit everyone in. I’m definitely better at keeping within what I feel now are my limits. Hope you got to bed eventually! Xx

Well Happyfett1 and WhatHappened you are just like me, I don't know how old you are but I went through the menopause for 10 years and then chemo took me back into menopause, I can't even string a sentence together somedays and talk utter gobbledegook, my husband is used to it but others are not!!!!!!

I have to say this.... HappyFeet1 to read what you have said....You write very expressively and eloquently.

.... makes me feel so 'warm and happy', you see at school English wasn't my best subject (I was more math's minded) - I started senior school in very low sets (4 English) - (class 1 was the top and lowest was 5).  

During the terms I was moved all over the place, I felt with each move I had missed out on what the class has already learnt.  English became a monster to me, on top of this I found out a infant/junior school they had tried a different way of teaching English - I didn't know this my older sister told me.  Anyway, back to senior school, as I say I felt like I had missed out on a lot and have always been 'very' conscious of my writing/spelling .... so every post I write am constantly thinking is it 'been or being', 'has or as' (thats a real hard one for me and even now I don't understand it properly) another is the 'lend or borrow' (something like you lend and I borrow - I don't know just that if you need it you can have it hahaha....

For you to write this and also Violetsniff said this to me many months back - it means such a lot to me, it really does because as I sit and write I am always thinking this won't make sense etc - Think thats why I waffle on because I still have the inner worry that I am not making sense arrrrghhhh hahaha

I wanted to say "Thank You"